Black guy #1: Ya know the only way to get a girl these days is to have a hot car.
Black guy #2: Yeah.
Black guy #1: I could get the keys, but not the car.
–N train
Black guy #1: Ya know the only way to get a girl these days is to have a hot car.
Black guy #2: Yeah.
Black guy #1: I could get the keys, but not the car.
–N train
Black girl: Oh my God, this train is crowded.
Japanese guy: In Tokyo, the trains are much more crowded than this!
Black girl: Why? ’cause they can fit so many more of you little guys on it?
–6 train
Overheard by: Carri
Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you’ve got one fuckable ass.
–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street
Overheard by: catherine
Hobo: How you doin’? How you doin’? I’m doin’ good. Yeah, you know I’m doin’ good, cause I’m lookin’ good! And you know why I look good? ’cause I clean mah ass!
–1 train
Overheard by: Alex Valentine
NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won’t be able to.
–Silver Building, Waverly Place
Chick: I can’t believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, “Why don’t you fuck me up the ass while you’re at it?”
–55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.
–Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel
Garage guy: Yo, how much is the subway now?
Dude: Two motherfuckin’ dollars.
Garage guy: Fuck that. A gallon of gas is less than that.
Dude: Dumbass, if you had a car, you would know that gas is more than $2.
Garage guy: Well, I don’t.
Dude: No shit, dumbass.
Garage guy: My bitch do…ha, ha, ha.
–Park Slope parking garage
Overheard by: Jim Chambers
Drunk White hobo: Aw man, fucka that shit.
Hispanic deli chef: Man, you don’t have to say that to me. I am your brother.
Drunk White hobo: You’re right, brother…I am sorry, my brother.
–34th street deli between 8th & 9th
Black dude #1: Shut up, nigga.
Black dude #2: What the fuck. Don’t call me nigga. I’m Puerto Rican. Call me a spic.
Black dude #3: Stop using that offensive language! No wonder everyone on this train is staring at us. We are all God’s children. We all bleed the same. Aren’t we all god’s children?
White woman: Pardon?
Black dude #3: Aren’t we all god’s children?
White woman: Well, yes.
Black dude #3: You see!
–1 train
Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.
–M42 bus
Overheard by: Dan Alcalde
Transit cop: I guess I’ll pretend to do something here.
–Queens Plaza station
Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!
–1 train
Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It’ll get you on the train, it’ll get you on the bus.
–A train
Overheard by: Timothy C
Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: P. Mills
Chick: The cabdriver wouldn’t let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!
–LIRR train
Overheard by: Steve Carbo
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.
–over LaGuardia
Overheard by: Dana Clair
Asian guy: She’s crazy. She’s obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she’s hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she’s crazy…but she’s hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?
–F train
Overheard by: emdashes
Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.
–St. Mark’s Place
Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It’s so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don’t look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it’s just that, he’s really white and you’re like, extra black, so it’s like really jungle fever.
–D train
Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.
–The Gate, Park Slope
A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?
–Broadway & 80th
Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.”
–27th street office
JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate.
–Starbucks, 48th & 3rd
Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur.
–D train
Overheard by: Nash Astor
Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.
–Chambers Street station
Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!
–G train
Overheard by: J-Mo
Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”
–Marquee, 10th & 26th
Overheard by: Katie
Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.
–190th Street station, rush hour
Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.
–L train
