Black People

Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around

Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.

–M42 bus

Overheard by: Dan Alcalde

Transit cop: I guess I’ll pretend to do something here.

–Queens Plaza station

Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!

–1 train

Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It’ll get you on the train, it’ll get you on the bus.

–A train

Overheard by: Timothy C

Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Chick: The cabdriver wouldn’t let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Steve Carbo

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.

–over LaGuardia

Overheard by: Dana Clair

Crazy in the Head, Crazy in the Bed

Asian guy: She’s crazy. She’s obsessed with death!
Pudgy White guy: But she’s hot.
Black guy: So what?
Pudgy White guy: Yeah, she’s crazy…but she’s hot. They kind of balance each other out, you know?

–F train

Overheard by: emdashes

Boyfriend: What about kitty?
Girlfriend: Oh, I could eat kitty. No really, I could make a great stir-fry with the cat.
Boyfriend: You would eat my cat?
Girlfriend: Ah, that would be a great way to get at you: eat your cat.

–St. Mark’s Place

Except That The Jungle Is Natural

Gay Black guy #1: Oh my god, I sooo have jungle fever. Do I look good with him?
Gay Black guy #2: It’s so weird.
Gay Black guy #1: What, we don’t look good together?
Gay Black guy #2: No, yeah, it’s just that, he’s really white and you’re like, extra black, so it’s like really jungle fever.

–D train

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.

–The Gate, Park Slope

A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?

–Broadway & 80th

Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.”

–27th street office

JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate.

–Starbucks, 48th & 3rd

Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur.

–D train

Overheard by: Nash Astor

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.

–Chambers Street station

Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!

–G train

Overheard by: J-Mo

Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”

–Marquee, 10th & 26th

Overheard by: Katie

Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.

–190th Street station, rush hour

Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.

–L train

Literacy: The Most Offensive Ghetto Stereotype

HS girl #1: I read five books a week and my parents get mad at me because it costs them a lot of money.
HS girl #2: I read like five books a week too, but I get mine from the library.
HS girl #1: Oh, that’s ghetto.

–Times Square

Fat Black guy: They ain’t got nuthin’ in here for someone from the ghetto!

–Starbucks, Astor Place Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Dan Avery

Tastes Nothing Like Chicken

Black guy #1: How’d you know the tornado was by your house?
Black guy #2: ‘Cause I walked out back and the tree was blowing like a fuck. Then I walked out front and the wind wasn’t even blowing.
Black guy #1: Damn, cuz. But anyway, since you’re from the country, how do I get these pigeons to go away?
Black guy #2: With a hot grill.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Dj wan-two

Wednesday One-liners Stand Behind the White Line

Black man: What is that, a raincoat? You should hang onto that. You never know when it might come back into style.

–M15 bus

Overheard by: Palaverist

Driver: Step allll the way in the back please! All the way in the back! There’s some cheese and crackers there.

–M42 bus

Overheard by: Vas Sloutchevsky

Puerto Rican chick: That mothafucka’s crazy. I ain’t puttin’ that in my butt.

–B46 bus

Overheard by: Jennifer Hess

Make Sure You’re Not That Someone Today

Black guy on cell: Yeah, man, you know. I don’t do that stuff no more, y’know what I’m sayin’? I used to, but I leave all that stuff in the past. I know where it’s all at, though, in case I have to go back to it, I can, y’know? I can still work it so if they fuck up, someone ain’t gonna see they momma in the mornin’, y’know?

–Metro North train

Overheard by: Mike Sidoti

NYC: 1000 Cultures, 1000 Stereotypes

Short guy: You from Guyana?
Black chick: Yes, I am.
Short guy: Damn! I can always tell a Guyanese woman!
Black chick: Oh yeah? How?
Short guy: By your front teeth. You all have that funny gap thing going on. See? You got it too!

–3 train

Overheard by: Karen Seiger

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