Wednesday One-Liners Play the Moronica

Blonde: There were three of them; they were twins.

–Lunasa Bar, East Village

Guy on cell: You thought you had the right information, but you didn't have your dots crossed.

–B46 Bus

Overheard by: Brooklynluva

Latino girl in park: Don't read it, bitch, just put it on. It's good, it's sunblock. It protects you from the UVs and huh… The HIV positives, or whatever.

–125th St & Riverside

Overheard by: nearby park bather

Middle-aged guy: It took me forever to find this building; it was confusing because all the numbers were written with letters.

–One (oops, "1") E 53rd Street

Posted on June 23, 2010
AIDS, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Bus, Directions, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Latinos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parks, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners

I Think I've Seen That Fisting Video…

MTA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, the next Brooklyn-bound L train will depart in approximately five minutes. The following Brooklyn-bound L train will depart in approximately fifteen minutes
MTA worker: Fifteen minutes my ass!

–L Train Station

Posted on June 17, 2010
Clerks, Comebacks, Directions, Insults, Public Transportation, Subway Stations

Wednesday's Always on the Wrong Side Of the One-Liner

Conductor, as train finally leaves the station after long delay: Listen people, do not hold the doors open! I'm going to send y'all to your room!

–2 Train

Train conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Attention everyone, the doors are stuck and will not be closing anytime soon. Please stand clear of the closing doors.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Conductor: Sir, please remove your head from the closing doors!

–Downtown B Train

Train conductor: Please do not hold the train doors open. I will stop this train and make everyone get off if you keep holding the doors. Then the other passengers will be very mad at you. If you really want to hold the doors open, get a job with the MTA, and then you can hold them open until the cows come home.

–E Train

Overheard by: Ally

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please wait for the doors to completely close before leaning on them. Please do not lean on the doors.

–N Train

Overheard by: erkala

Conductor: This is the 7 train. Get ready to jump off. Easy on, easy off. No one's been holding any doors. Good job, people!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Jeff L.

Posted on June 16, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Compliments, Conductors, Directions, Jobs & Careers, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You're Asking Where Here Is?

Tourist girls: Where is Soho?
Ice cream stand guy: This is Soho.
Tourist girls: No, where is Soho?

–Broome & Wooster

Posted on June 10, 2010
Directions, Global Geography, Questions, Soho, Tourism, Tourists, Vendors & Street Performers

And Those Who Prey on Them

Mother to young son: So we will get off at Port Authority.
Son: What's that?
Mother: A place with very busy people.

–42nd & 9th

Overheard by: Raj S

Posted on May 14, 2010
Directions, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYC Geography, Public Transportation

The One-Liners on the Wednesday Go Round and Round, Round and Round…

Bus driver: This bus is at capacity, so do me a favor: Move I-N, not O-U-T, and that's what she said.

–M14D Bus

Overheard by: The Average Commuter

Bus driver: Next stop is Malcolm X… No, it's not. What's his cousin's name? Oh yeah. Next stop is Frederick Douglas Boulevard.

–M60 Bus

Overheard by: polaco

Bus driver: When exiting the bus please take all of your trash with you. If you leave it on the bus you are a horrible person.

–34th St Bus

Bus driver, singing at every stop: Fifty niiiinnnth and Central Park Souuuuuthhhh. Ladies and gentlemeeeeennnn, have a wonderful daaaaayyyyyy!

–M4 Bus

Female bus driver: Everyone, squeeze in, I won't move this bus until ya'll are behind the line. Move back! Move! Squeeze! Remember to say "excuse me"! Move back! I will pull this bus over, ladies and gentlemen, move behind the line! (everyone shuffles a few inches back) It's a miracle! Thank you, Lord!

–BX12 Bus

Overheard by: Erica S

Posted on May 5, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bus, Bus Drivers, Directions, Family Ties, God, Names, On the Bus, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Sex, Singing, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Conduct Themselves

Conductor over PA: Attention passengers, ladies and gentlemen, this is the train to… Um… Where the hell are we going? Train to somewhere. Let's go somewhere!

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Rob T Firefly

NJ transit conductor: If you are getting off at Linden, you need to be in the front two cars. If you are wearing your headphones, I don't want to hear you complain later. (five minutes later) If you are getting off at Linden, you need to be in the first two cars. If you are confused about where the front of the train is, it's the way we are facing and the way the train is moving. Just turn the same way the train is moving and walk up to the front two cars.

–Penn Station

Conductor: This is a downtown 1 train. Sorry, an uptown 1 train. The next stop is 110th. Actually, the next stop is 103rd. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Samantha

Conductor: Next stop is Wall Street. Wall Street, where they compromise everything.

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Ellen

Angry conductor: We apologize for the delay in service while the police inspected the train. Contrary to popular belief, there are no dead people on this train.

–Downtown N Train

Overheard by: Dead Men Can't Talk

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are stopped because of… Because of… Fuck! I don't know.

–6 Train

Posted on April 21, 2010
Apologies, Business and Commerce, Conductors, Cops, Death, Directions, Gadgets, Insults, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

FAQsday One-Liners

NYU girl: It's a box, though… Can you FedEx a box?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Elena

Tourist: So… Are we like, underground now?

–NRW Train

Overheard by: Stacey

Mom in toy store: Do you guys have any organic play-doh?

–7th Ave & Garfield, Park Slope

Overheard by: persiangroove

Teen tourist bimbo, looking at Rockefeller Center Christmas tree Swarovski tree topper: So, can we buy it?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Kaitlen

20-something girl: Wait, so what's a blog?

–55th & 6th

Thug on bus on cell: Yeah, I just got on the bus. How will I know when it's the third stop?
(goes on to get off on the second stop)

–Roosevelt Island

Posted on April 21, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Bus, Clerks, Customers, Directions, For Sale, Girls, Internet, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Park Slope, Public Transportation, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Shopping, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Thugs, Tourism, Tourists, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners

If Only the Streets Had Signs

Tourist guy looking at map: We have to find 7th Avenue. The tour guide said it was on 7th Avenue.
Tourist lady: I know, but it's also in Times Square, so we should go there first.

–7th Ave & 43rd St

Overheard by: DawllyLlama

Posted on April 4, 2010
Directions, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Tourism, Tourists

Directions