Drinks

Wednesday Gettin'-None Liners

Man screaming into phone: We've been having fun and fun and fun. The thing we ain't having is fucking sex!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: LisaLisa

Psych prof: Now, I don't know anyone who's ever died from not having sex. Maybe they tried to get some and failed in some horrible way that led to their demise, but I don't know anyone who's actually died from not having sex. (later) If you go on a starvation diet, which I don't recommend, be sure to drink water because, uh, you will die.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: High Aspirations

Guy to friend: He's fucking 57 years old and he's still a fucking virgin.

–W Broadway & Thomas

Gay man to straight female friend: I haven't had sex in almost two years… I need to get a dog.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Trouble Brewing

Woman #1: He is so sophisticated.
Woman #2: He sounds like he is.
Woman #1: Yeah, like, he loves champagne. I’m just as happy with Colt 45.

–D train

Overheard by: Billy Dee

Naive Evian

12-year-old boy: I don’t know why people would pay $2 for a bottle of water. You know, EVIAN spelt backwards is N-A-I-V-E.

— To his friend, in Prospect Park

Mountain Dew: The Drink of Evil

Chick #1: That Dew’s totally going to land on someone’s shoe.
Chick #2: I know. I already stepped on like six feet.

–Mountain Dew promotional party (don’t ask), Greenpoint

Watch Teen Mom and See Girls Who Are Both!

Girl #1: Most of my friends are from high school.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too. They're all having babies.
Girl #3: Most of my friends are babies. (to barista) Grande, non-fat, no-whip mocca.

–Starbucks

Do You Want Coffee in It?

Customer: Can I have a large, double-shot latte?
Barista: Do you want milk in your latte?
Customer: Yes…

–Dunkin' Donuts

Overheard by: Julie

Why Some Grandparents “Lose” Their Grandkids in the Big City

Grandma: What's wrong, honey?
8-year old boy: I'm done. You're all in my face, I'm dehydrated, and I'm going home.
Grandma: Well, we can get you a water.
8-year old boy: I don't want to hear it, grandma!

–5th Ave & 47th St

How Is Ordering at Starbucks Like Finishing the Special Forces Obstacle Course, Alex?

Customer: I'd like a venti passion tea lemonade please.
Barista: Sorry, we're out of venti cups.
Customer: Okay, can you just put it in two tall cups then?
Barista: Sure, no problem.
Barista, after ringing up customer: That's $5.98.
Customer: Um, a venti lemonade is $3.55.
Barista: Yes, but you ordered two tall lemonades.

–Starbucks, Queens

Stupid Healthy Alternative

Barista: What would you like?
Woman: You know what? I think I'm going to go get a smoothie instead. (leaves and crosses the street to go to Jamba Juice)

–Starbucks

A Play in One Act

Drunk guy holding bottle of milk: If she's upstairs… I'm gonna strangle her… I'm gonna strangle her! (starts choking bottle of milk, drops bottle, and it breaks) Ain't that a bitch!
(to passing strangers) Happy St. Patrick's Day!

–25th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Adam

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