Elevators

Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word

Old lady to other: Oh… S & M… Do you like to be the dominant one?

–El Greco Diner, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it’s not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he’s ever whipped himself… [Notices other people on elevator] Oops.

–Elevator, 34th & 1st

Chick to another: We all assume that one day you’ll be married with kids… Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless.

–House party, 113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: McFreaky

Leather goods hawker: I’ve got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks… I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side!

–Orchard, near Rivington

Overheard by: losaida

Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you.

–G train

Overheard by: Jordan

TA to another: I love that we’ve been e-mailing about a student’s paper under the subject line ‘Fetish Ball.’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Small child, happily: … And that’s the kind of pain that never goes away!

–1 train

Overheard by: Emily Star

Or Maybe It Was Just That He Was a Jew

Guy #1: Can someone push eight? I guess I forgot. [Disembarks at eighth floor.]Guy #2: Something about the way he said that made me want to hit him.

–NYU dorm elevator

If You Think That’s Strange, Doing the Lobster Tastes Like Fish!

Black guy: Aw, man, you’re missing out if you don’t eat that shit.
Indian guy: I used to eat a lot of shellfish in my heyday. Now I only eat fish… No more shrimp, crabs or lobster.
Black guy: I don’t know what’s up with lobster. That shit tastes like cardboard.

–Elevator, 132nd St

Overheard by: SlumpBuster

I Tune Out When I Hear “Paris Hilton,” Too

Asian guy #1: Paris Hilton. When you’re walking out of an elevator and you see Paris Hilton, it’s like you’re starstruck.
Asian guy #2: Yeah. [They exit.]Middle-aged woman: Yadda, yadda, yadda.

–Elevator, 34th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rita and Laura

I Had to Leave a Message She and Her Girlfriends Could Analyze

Dude #1 on cell: I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I love you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It will never happen again. What else can I say? [Hags up.]Dude #2: Damage control?
Dude #1: Damage control.

–Waiting for elevator, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: TrenchCoat

Scene from The Devil Wears Prada, Director’s Cut

20-ish WASP in fur coat on cell: Don’t you have a bowl? [Sigh] Do you have a bottle of tonic or, like, an apple or a traffic cone? Well, I’m sure there is something in your apartment I can make a bong out of.
80-ish Jewish woman: That’s an inappropriate conversation if I ever heard one…
20-ish WASP in fur coat: Whatever, that was my boss.

–Elevator, 62nd & 2nd

On the Plus Side, My Boyfriend’s Goatee Has Never Been Cleaner

Fat girl: … And then I, like, tasted my cum and it tasted like bleach.
Skinny friend: Hey, your nose ring is out.
Fat girl: Like fuckin’ bleach, man.

–Elevator, between A train & 1 train, 168th St station

He’s Started Scooping Matt Drudge

Female Google suit: How’s your son doing?
Male Google suit: Great! He’s 11 months now, and he’s starting to get a personality — it’s great!
Female Google suit: I’d love to see some pictures sometime!
Male Google suit: He’s got a blog!

–Elevator, Port Authority building, 15th & 9th

Pass the Bottle

Guy #1: Dude, I think I’m finally starting to sober up.
Guy #2: How can you tell?
Guy #1: Because all of a sudden I can do square roots in my head again.

–Dorm elevator, Columbia University

Overheard by: Jessica

Survival Skills Are for Pussies

Suit #1: Life preservers are for pussies.
Suit #2: Yeah, I can make a flotation device out of my jeans.
Suit #1: Oh, yeah? Were you in the Navy?
Suit #2: No, I just took a water safety class. But that’s why the guys in the Navy wear bell-bottoms — so they can take their pants off without taking off their boots, so their feet won’t freeze.
Suit #3: Can you use any jeans for this?
Suit #2: Fire-resistant ones are best.

–Elevator, 61 Broadway

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

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