Wednesday One-Liners Want to Believe

Five-year-old girl in funny voice: I don't wear eyeshadow. I am an alien. I am allowed to be weird.

–Downtown 6 Train, Union Square

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Brunette: So, wait. Are they scientists or large-headed aliens?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo: You may not know this, but I am from another planet. I am also recruiting souls for my army in the underworld. We are four hundred thousand billion strong. Everybody better watch out!

–1 Train

Geeky guy to another: Have you seen the planet he's from? Goddamn!

–N Train

Girl to friend (animated, with hand gestures): I mean, you could actually *see* E.T.'s birth…

–5th Ave & 14th St

Guy, very sure of himself: I would much rather hunt aliens than ghosts, at least that makes sense.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: jessi pfeufer

Posted on April 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Kids, Makeup, On the Subway, Questions, Science, Starbucks, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

They Just Can’t Compete with Ho Depot

Man: Screws should be free. You shouldn’t have to pay for screws.
Woman: Yeah, if I owned a hardware store I’d have free screws all the time.

–74th & Madison

Overheard by: Sarah G.

Posted on April 9, 2015
Business and Commerce, Friends, Money & Class, Upper East Side

No Change? Airports Are Making Great Strides in Lip-Gloss Confiscation!

White 20-something #1: Have you heard about the September 11th controversy?
White 20-something #2: No…what?
White 20-something #1: Well, Kanye and 50 Cent are both releasing their new albums on that date and if Kanye outsells 50 then 50 says that he is going to retire from rapping.
White 20-something #2: Wow! That's controversial.
White 20-something #1: Is it crazy that that's the new September 11th controversy? Things have really changed since then…
White 20-something #2 (pensive): Or *have* they?
Black guy to friend: Yo, man! Are you listening to this shit?

–L Train

Posted on April 9, 2015
Black People, Friends, History & Geography, Music, On the Subway, Questions, Stupidity, Wiggers

Maybe That’s Why She’s Happy

Girl #1: Are any of our friends not in therapy?
Girl #2: Yeah, Jeanie isn’t.
Girl #1: But that’s ’cause she can’t afford it.
Girl #3: Jeanie’s not rich?
Girl #1: No.

–Cupcake Café, 9th Ave

Posted on April 9, 2015
Friends, Money & Class, Restaurants & Cafes

Oh Honey, I Am My Girlfriend

Teenage Guido in Guidomobile, to friend: Hey, it looks like a sports car… But it's a Beetle!
Gay guy in bright blue Beetle: Well, your car probably goes faster, but this is a lot of fun to drive.
(pause while gears grind teenage Guido's brain)
Teenage Guido: Is that your girlfriend's car?

–4th Ave & Pacific St

Posted on April 9, 2015
Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Guidos, Queer guys, Questions, Teens

Nothing Fucking Happens in Alabama

Southern lady whining to friend in same bathroom stall: She has three kids now, and I’m not the godmother for any of them! But she’s the godmother for my kid… What the fuck is that? Y’know, the godparents are supposed to care for your kids if you die. I would never let her care for my kids.
Friend: This doesn’t happen in Alabama.

–40th & 6th

Posted on April 8, 2015
Friends, Gripes, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Southerners

She’s Actually Much Closer to a Platypus

Girl: She’s hot.
Guy: She’s got a mouth like a duck.
Girl: But a hot duck.
Guy: Oh sure, the hottest duck in the pond, but still a duck.

–44th & 8th

Posted on April 8, 2015
Beauty, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

Where Are They Now?: MC Broke Behind

Chick #1: Going shopping Saturday, get some more gold,
Chick #2: That’s you. You getting more gold, you gettin more ice. When you was MC Broke Behind, you wasn’t talkin ’bout gettin’ shit.

–42nd St. between 8th & 9th

Overheard by: Ben Colombo

Posted on April 8, 2015
Comebacks, Friends, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nostalgia, Shopping

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center Of a Wednesday One-Liner?

Chick on cell: It's all about the eyeball lick. Tell her.

–59th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: aenigma

NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again.

–Forsyth St & E Houston St

Overheard by: Dave-o

Teen girl to friends: He's so gross! Seriously, I'd rather lick my cat's asshole than hook up with that guy!

–Barnes & Noble, Bayside

Guy at bar to friend: I can't believe you married a woman who won't lick your asshole.

–Ale House, MacDougal St

Random woman: Why do you always insist on licking my elbow?

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jana

Posted on April 7, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Farting & Burping, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Guys, Hook Ups, Licking, Lower East Side, Marriage, On Cell, One-liners, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Teens, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

… When It Comes to Peristalsis

Man sunbather: He’s like 6’6″, very attractive…
Woman sunbather: So does he, like, spontaneously vomit…?
Man sunbather: Let’s just say he’s not the smoothest…

–Turtle Pond, Central Park

Overheard by: Not jumping to date this attractive man.

Posted on April 7, 2015
Central Park, Friends, Pickiness

Friends