Friends

Wednesday One-Liners–Not for the Calorie-Conscious

3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!

–4 Train

Overheard by: i tried that once

Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.

–Cosi Restaurant

Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?

–Crumbs Bake Shop

Overheard by: Damon

Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Good Analogy

Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!

–Christopher & W 4th St

Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!

–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom

Overheard by: Ilyssa

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.

Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.

–Outside NYU Dorm

Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.

–7 Train

Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!

–Runway Strip, JFK

Overheard by: PSUny

Or We Can See Some Nudity

Poetry slam emcee: Hi, everyone! Wow, what a great turnout…I think you're all Emma's friends. She's first, but we have a great line-up, so please don't leave. Stay!
Emma's friend, sotto voce: Dude, it's a poetry reading, even Emma is leaving unless you give everyone another drink ticket.

–Grand Street & Driggs, Brooklyn

Testing How Many Iterations It’s “Good” For

Teen boy #1: …Well that one time, remember? I had the worst hangover and I got that frappuccino at Starbucks. That tasted just as good coming up as it did going down. Actually, it was delicious.
Teen boy #2: Ew…I kinda want one.

–Central Park

Sweetie, This Is America — Real Isn’t Real

Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait — is pinhead real?

–Brooklyn

If They Were Designer Genital Warts, I’d Reconsider…

Chick #1: What’s wrong, sweetie?
Chick #2: Well, for the past few weeks I’ve had… [lowers voice] genital warts.
Chick #1: Oh my god, sweetie. I’m so sorry. [Goes to hug friend, then stops] Oh, wait. We probably shouldn’t touch.

–Knockoff purse stall, Chinatown

Overheard by: Kelly

Headline by: Mike Chmiel

Runners-Up:

· “Don’t worry – circle, circle, dot, dot takes care of everything” – Melissa

· “I probably shouldn’t be sleeping with your boyfriend either.” – Rachel

· “Or we could just not hug with our vaginas” – Matt

· “We also should avoid rubbing our genitals on the same doorknob” – Mdan


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Hence the Metal Panties.

Drunk hipster girl: If I was to drop dead in the middle of that party, all those frat boys would fuck my corpse.
Friend: Word.

–78th & Madison

It’s Not You, It’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friends: They broke up… He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.

–Stone St.

Overheard by: Jen

Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?

–F Train

Overheard by: dianora

13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That’s so cruel! Um, can I date him?

–Thompson Street, The Village

Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!

–8th St Park

Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don’t like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it’s the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that’s great!

–Outside the Frick Museum

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don’t leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back… Please! (pause) Okay, but I’m keeping the deposit!

–E 4th Street

Overheard by: Nima Shirazi

If You Don’t Know What You Mean, Any Word Will Do

Pretentious NYU guy: You know what’s worse than being hypocritical? Going against your beliefs!
Friend: Ummm… That’s the definition of hypocritical.
Pretentious NYU guy: I know, but still.

–Starbucks, Washington Square

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