Health and Hygiene

Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: “Dingdong!” (recorded “if you see something, say something” message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) “Tell a police officer or an MTA employee.” Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Man in hard hat: My dog Sparky is still in the hospital. The doctor wants to neuter him.
Polite, uncomfortable woman: Really, that is too bad… Has he fathered puppies before?
Man in hard hat: No. But I am going to ship his testicles via FedEx to Iowa. It will cost $200 to freeze his sperm.
Polite, uncomfortable woman: Wow! Um… interesting. (then to friend, as man in hard hat walks away) It was so hard to keep a straight face!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Gigglerocks

Man: I am not so sure about us getting married again.
Woman: But…
Man: When we were married the first time, you were in hospital for eight weeks and me's in jail two years.
Woman: Ha. Yeah.
Man: I am not so sure we should be getting married again.
Woman: True.
(both laugh)

–L Train

Hipster girl #1: Yeah, but each time you inhale one, you kill, like, one hundred brain cells.
Hipster girl #2: Really?
Hipster girl #1: Yeah, I used to do a whole carton at a time.

–7th St between 1st & A

Salesgirl #1: It smells like berries.
Salesgirl #2: That's just, like, the normal Vicodin smell.

–Park Slope

Thin chick: I love smoking cigarettes while I walk.
Fat friend: Ugh, I hate smoking cigarettes while I’m walking. I can just see it now — ‘Look at that cow walking down the street puffing on a cigarette.’ I’ll be, like, smoking with my right hand, holding my inhaler with my left and wobbling down the street. Nice.

–F train

Overheard by: Hysterical

Guy on cell: Uh huh, and that’s why you have herpes, dude.

–Outside Gonzalez y Gonzalez

Overheard by: Jaina Wald

Super thin model/actress on cell: Urrgghhh!!! Jonathan left me again [pause] I can’t believe it. [pause] For being too anorexic! Yeah, I thought being anorexic would be hot but apparently I’m now too anorexic.

–Union Square

Overheard by: benji

Girl: Well maybe you should start seeing a therapist.
Guy: I bet you they’ll just say I’m paranoid.

–76th & Broadway

Guy: ‘Cause when a girl’s got way too many diaphragms…
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: That’s the sign that I missed.

–93rd & Broadway