Jesus

Jews for Wednesday One-Liners

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!

–Q train

Overheard by: J-Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: She didn’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man’s coat.

–Bronx

Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.

–82nd and Columbus

Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus

Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn’t sound like a bad deal.

–NYU

Crazy guy: Praise Jesus! But stay outta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Overheard by: dawllyllama

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who really cares about Jesus?

–Elevator, NYU Silver Center

Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins

Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it going, Jesus?’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kanad

Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It’s all good. Michael Jackson called it ‘Jesus Juice.’

–Rockefeller Plaza subway

Overheard by: G-Lime

Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist…

–1 train

Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.

–23rd St, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Jesus,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: JoBell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, ‘I want him to be my sugar daddy.’ Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!

–4 train

Jesus Isn't Always the Answer, Y'know

NYU journalism professor: Okay, so who invented the European letter press in the 15th century?
Attentive female student in the back: Jesus!
(TA giggles)

–NYU

When He Was Reincarnated for the Fifth Time

Teacher: Does anyone know of the year 1732?
(class remains silent)
Teacher: I'll give you a hint: it's the year of someone's birthday.
Girl: Jesus!

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

At Least I Remember Ringo the Baptist

Younger woman: What's the name of Jesus' father? Not god, the other guy!
Older woman: Joseph?
Younger woman: Yeah! Him. Oh wait, so it's not “John”? Forget it.

–Midtown

As It Clearly States in Joss Whedon's Version Of the Bible

Professor: Does anyone know where the term “Passover” comes from?
Student: It's because the Jews put blood on their doors so Jesus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.

–Classroom, Fordham University

Overheard by: dundun

Jesus: No, We’re Cool Now

Teacher: Does anyone know what ‘condemned’ means? Okay, let me give you an example: The Jews condemned Jesus. [Everyone looks at only Jewish student in class, who then glares at the teacher.] Oh, I’m so sorry!

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

If Anyone Has Insight, Let Him Calculate the Number

Two hobos are passing a bottle.

Woman: You can’t do that! This is a passenger train…The blood of Jesus Christ! You can’t do that; this is a passenger train! You need to find Jesus!…That is the devil’s drink. By the blood of Jesus you need to repent!
Hobo #1: Lady, I am the devil.
Woman: You can’t do that on a passenger train! If I see a police I will have you arrested!
Hobo #2: You wanna borrow my cell phone?

–F train

OMG! It’s Wednesday One-liners!

Priest: Please exit using the side doors as there are things going on in the front.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Overheard by: Bryant

Old lady: Jesus on a check? Oh well, I’m an atheist, so it doesn’t really matter to me.

–E. 33rd Street office

Woman on cell: He can’t hear you when you hate me…You hate me? Then he can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! Jehovah can’t hear you when you hate me!

–42nd between 10th & 11th

Woman: You know, they tell those suicide bombers they’ll get 99 virgins when you get to heaven. 99 virgins! But if you blow yourself up in Brooklyn, you only get 50. Half off for Brooklyn.

–CVS, Harlem

Puerto Rican guy: Jesus loves you. I love you. I know you don’t want to listen to me. I know about your bunny rabbit… Will you be one of the 144,000 chosen?…On July 30th we will all come together. I will wear a kippa. But you know you have to accept the savior…There are 632,000 lords…I will stop talking to you now. The Flintstones told me not to.

–4 train

Overheard by: Matt F.

On Tomorrow’s Celebrity Death Match: Vishnu v. Thor

Black Bible-thumper: Jesus will save you! Have you been saved? Praise Jesus!
Passerby: Praise Allah!
Black Bible-thumper: Fuck you, motherfucker! Jesus will kick your ass!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: The Jewish Asian

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