Jesus

Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Kristen

20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.

–L Train

Overheard by: I agree…

Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & Noble Cafe

Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Penny

Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Uptown 4 Train

Man reciting gospel on a train: And you, sir, have you accepted Jesus into your life?
Passenger: A long time ago, baby. Now fuck off.

–1 Train

Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn’t. The station is closed.
Nun: I’ve been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.

–1 train

Queer: I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lynn Casey

Ditz #1: So yeah, I think Jesus was totally a mongoose soul.
Ditz #2: Totally. And Harry Potter, too.
(they nod together)

–F Train

Overheard by: Numbat

Foreign TA: I don't understand why they use the egg for Easter.
American TA: Oh, it doesn't really have anything to do with Easter, we just appropriated pagan rituals.
Foreign TA: I thought Easter is when Jesus was reborn.
American TA: It is.
Foreign TA: I thought maybe he was reborn out of an egg.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: MCLD

Boyfriend: Look at that little kid, it looks like he's walking on water.
Girlfriend: He's Jesus.
Boyfriend: I never knew Jesus was a mulatto.
Girlfriend: No, he was Indian, didn't you know? (pause) An American Indian.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: eavesdropper

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!

–Q train

Overheard by: J-Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: She didn’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man’s coat.

–Bronx

Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.

–82nd and Columbus

Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus

Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn’t sound like a bad deal.

–NYU

Crazy guy: Praise Jesus! But stay outta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Overheard by: dawllyllama

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who really cares about Jesus?

–Elevator, NYU Silver Center

Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it going, Jesus?’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kanad

Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It’s all good. Michael Jackson called it ‘Jesus Juice.’

–Rockefeller Plaza subway

Overheard by: G-Lime

Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist…

–1 train

Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.

–23rd St, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Jesus,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: JoBell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, ‘I want him to be my sugar daddy.’ Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!

–4 train

NYU journalism professor: Okay, so who invented the European letter press in the 15th century?
Attentive female student in the back: Jesus!
(TA giggles)

–NYU