Lawyers

Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Bunch

Young lawyer: My little boy finally made the transition from diapers to "big boy" underwear. On his first day back to pre-school he dropped his trousers and showed the whole class his lightning McQueens.
Young lawyer: … And it created a domino effect of three-year-olds showing their undies.

–6 Train

Overheard by: POLA

Chick on cell: Better underwear than meth!

–Harlem

Overheard by: McFreaky

Boyfriend to girlfriend looking at lingerie in window: It’s kind of cold for that.

–University & 9th

Overheard by: Mary Crippen

Skank: So I’m thinking "Now I’ve got to get rid of those panties!"

–54th & 9th

Overheard by: thats gross

Earnest teen chick, calling to retreating waitress: Do you sell thongs? I’m serious, I really need them!

–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square

Overheard by: Amanda

Man getting into elevator: … And she was all like "Hi, whatchu doin’?" And I was like "Whaaaat?" I didn’t know what to say, she was all over me, I could see her panties. [Everyone in elevator looks at him and laughs a little.] I mean, come on, we’re all adults in here. What was I supposed to do? Smile? Say "Hi" back?

–Elevator, Empire State Building

“Imagine there’s no neurons/ It’s easy if you try”

Female attorney: Bush said that America will rebuild Lennon. Why should we? We didn’t bomb them. We have enough problems of our own to worry about. Bush is nuts!
Male attorney: Lennon’s been dead for over 25 years.

–Outside Civil Court, Queens

Overheard by: Big Larry

You Didn’t Have to Demonstrate It While Talking

Old male lawyer: You can’t just call the client and say, ‘Hello, you don’t know me, but I’m about to try your case.’
Young female associate: Why not? We’re in the same firm.
Old male lawyer: Let me try to explain this in terms that might make an impression on you. Imagine if you went to your gynecologist who you’ve been using for a long time, and while you’re lying there in the stirrups his new associate who you’ve never met walks in and sticks his fingers into you.
Young female associate, wide-eyed: I see what you mean.

–Civil Court, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

And What, Exactly, Is She Remembering?

Lawyer #1: My wife bought the official Sopranos book.
Lawyer #2: Is it good?
Lawyer #1: Yeah, it has a lot of inside stuff about the cast and how the show was put together.
Lawyer #2: I’m gonna miss that show.
Lawyer #1: I read something really strange in that book though.
Lawyer #2: What?
Lawyer #1: You know Drea de Matteo, the chick who played Adriana?
Lawyer #2: Chris’s girlfriend, right?
Lawyer #1: Yeah. The book says that in real life she has the balls of one of her dogs in a glass jar full of preservative. She keeps it on display in her house.
Lawyer #2: What for?
Lawyer #1: How the fuck should I know? She says it’s to remember him by. What’s the matter, she couldn’t take a picture?

–Supreme Court, Kings County

Overheard by: Big Larry

Which I Still Maintain Was an Accident

Law student, about class: Man, I just wish they didn’t give it a sexy title like ‘International Cartel Enforcement’ and then have it turn out to be about how many copies of a paper to file.
Friend: Yeah, man. That’s like going into a strip club and finding out that it’s dudes stripping.

–Fordham Law School

If You Cannot Afford an Asshole, One Will Be Assigned to You

Lawyer at deposition: What is your native language?
West Indian woman, offended: English!
Lawyer: Lady, you must speak some other language, because I’ve been questioning you for an hour and I haven’t understood a goddamn word you said.

–Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Good, Now Move Your Head from Side to Side Like a Cobra

White woman: How did I testify?
Lawyer: Not too bad.
White woman: Tell the truth — I was terrible.
Lawyer: No, it’s just that he put a lot of words in your mouth.
White woman: I know.
Lawyer: You have to develop an attitude like a black woman. When he says, ‘So, what you’re telling me is…,’ you have to say, ‘Don’t be puttin’ words in mah mouf! I said this. Don’t be twistin’ mah words to say I said that.’
White woman, dismayed: I’ll try.

–Hallway, Civil Court, 111 Centre St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Unfortunately, the Crime Scene Had Already Been Thoroughly Dusted

Young woman: You felt me up while I was asleep!
Lying man: How do you know, if you were asleep?
Young woman: You stuck your fingers in my pussy while I was asleep!
Lying man: Why would I do that? There’s nothing in there that I was looking for.
Lying man’s lawyer: Come on, don’t argue with her.
Young woman: If they find your fingerprints in my pussy you’re going to jail, motherfucker!
Lying man, taunting: What if I wore gloves?
Young woman: Hear that? He confessed!

–Hallway, Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Billable Hours of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Is it a good idea to pursue a career in law just because I love Law and Order?

–Pace University

Overheard by: Pants

Suit: You know what I should have done? Skipped law school and gone straight to the Army!

–C train, 23rd St

Paralegal: I seriously wish that I could just give up this law thing and become a lion trainer.

–Battery Park

Girl on cell: I mean, I think a law degree is really, like, fluid. You can do anything with it. Like, I don’t know… practice law?

–6th Ave & Canal St

Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram

I’ve Missed Neither It Nor You

50-ish female lawyer at reunion party: Hi! Remember me?
50-ish male lawyer: [Long pause] Sure. 1981. Twelve dates, a carriage ride in Central Park, and I couldn’t even get a hand job from you. How’s your virginity?

–Brooklyn Law School

Overheard by: Big Larry

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