Moms

Wednesday One-Liners Regret Listening to Their Biological Clocks

Mother to screaming toddler: Stop it. This is not your day. This is my day. Don't ruin it.

–Gourmet Garage

Southern woman to son: The WWE pose, just like we practiced in the backyard now.

–NBC Studios

Overheard by: Tracy

Mother yelling at three little well-dressed girls: Do not open that bottle of glitter! Do not! If you know glitter… (holding her arms out making a rainbow sort of gesture) Shit flies!

–Central Park

Overheard by: chellie

Very young mother to four-year-old son: Stop that! If you don't start behavin' I'm gonna send you in for the new model!

–R Train

Overheard by: Kait

Ghetto mom to young son running his hand along outside window while walking: Don't do that! You gonna get germs! Yo' hand gonna fall off!

–45th b/w 3rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Lili Von Shtupp

Very serious mother: Well, Megatron could beat Optimus because he's stronger. But Optimus is smarter, so he can outsmart Megatron.

–East Village

Mom holding little boy's hand: Forget everything you've seen today.

–Mermaid Parade, Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Not forgetting ANYTHING we saw today

It’s Like Nazi, But for Women and Gays

Saleslady: Hi, miss, can I help you?
Woman: No, that’s okay, I have my daughter with me.
Saleslady: Are you sure you dont need any help?
Woman: Yes, I am sure. My daughter is quite the fashionada. She gives me the best opinions.
Saleslady, to another saleslady: What’s a fashionada? New Yorkers have their own language or something.

–Barney’s

Overheard by: ash sauer

You'll Never Go Hungry in New York, Sweetie

Mother, after listening to child talking nonstop: You are so bizarre.
Six-year-old boy, seriously: I eat bugs.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Good to Know

And I'm Only Holding It in So It Doesn't Have to Take Up a Seat

Young girl: I want to sit over there! (points to occupied seat)
Pregnant mother: Girl, if I wasn't holding a baby in, I'll piss all over you.

–E Train

Overheard by: was sitting next to her…

To Be Fair, the Elderly Man Wasn't Wearing Pants Either

Five-year-old girl pissing behind tree to mother trying to talk to elderly man with dog: Look mommy! Look! I'm making a pee-pee behind the tree.
Mother: Yes, sweetie, that's very nice. (returns to conversation with man)
Girl: Mommy! I'm still peeing! I'm still peeing!
Mother: Uh-huh. Well, pull your pants up when you're done.
Girl: Mommy, there's a squirrel! Hi, squirrel!
Old man: Careful! They have rabies and they'll eat you!
Girl, running towards mother with no pants: Aaaaaah!

–Riverside Park

Luck Had Nothing to Do With It

Lady #1: Unlike our daughter, she got lucky.
Lady #2: How so?
Lady #1: Our daughter had to pay to go to college. She got a scholarship because her father died.

–Jacobs Theatre, W. 45th Street

Unfortunately, They Also Like to Make Generalizations About Us.

Young black girl: What are all them white people doing all the way up here?
Young black girl's mother: White folk like to drink out of little cups and sit outside with them bug-eyed sunglasses on Sundays.

–Café, Lenox & 119th

…Since Everyone Poops! Became the National Book.

Sulky little girl: Do we have to talk about this? This is gross!
Mother: Do you think the Obamas talk about this?
Sulky little girl: No.
Mother: You bet they do!

–12th St

Overheard by: wishes she heard what they were talking about

Years Later, James Would Work through This by Becoming a Stand-Up Comic

Mama thug: Don't stand by the doors. Sit down! You're gonna fall, and I'ma laugh at you. And you want me to laugh at you?
Baby thug: No.

–2 Train

Hard to Imagine Heaven without Cheese

Mother: Shit, girl. You ain’t getting no more cheese for the rest of eternity if I got anything to do with it.
Young girl, crying: I hope I die.
Mother: Well, when you die, heaven help you, they know you lactose intolerant up there, too. So no funny stuff, understand?

–B63 bus, Park Slope

Overheard by: John Proctor

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