Kindly gent: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little kid: Retarded!
Kindly gent: Retarded?
Little kid: My grandpa is retarded, and he gets to play and watch TV all day!
Kindly gent: [Stunned silence.]Kid’s mom, embarrassed: He means ‘retired.’
Little kid: Retarded! Retarded! Retarded! I wanna be retarded! [Starts to cry.]
–Washington & Water St
Hipster to sobbing girl: Hey, do you want some pizza? Come on, I’ll buy you a slice of pizza. [She keeps crying.] Vegan pizza?
–N 7th & Bedford
20-ish guy, after bumping into lady: Oh, I’m sorry.
Lady: That’s okay. I’m a tourist.
–Times Square
Overheard by: nina
Hobo standing and applauding as Asian guy walks by: Yeah! Woo-hoo! You’re Chinese! Yeah! Go for you! Woo!
Asian guy: I don’t have the heart to tell him I’m Korean.
–8th & 6th
Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.
–Barnes & Noble, 82nd St
Overheard by: Elise C-K
Homeless guy sleeping in cart wakes up at eight a.m.: Good noon! … Is it noon yet?
Passerby: Not yet, but you’re very close.
–West 4th St
Man to fat lady holding up traffic on the stairs: Excuse me, ma’am. Do you need a hand?
Fat lady: Do I need a hand? Yeah, I need a hand, a foot, an arm, a leg… Shit, nigga, I need a mink coat!
–Subway exit stairs, 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky
Angry lady pushing frantically on back door: Open the fucking back door, goddammit!
Helpful guy #1: Hey! Back door!
Helpful guy #2: We’re not at the bus stop yet — this is a red light.
Angry lady pushing frantically on back door: Was I talking to you, bitch?
Helpful guy #2: Back door!
–M15 bus
Overheard by: Beeeej
Woman holding baby: I love your hat!
Man with hat: I like your… baby.
–F train
Overheard by: Jane
Chick #1: Oh, look! That guy totally just whistled at you.
Chick #2: Uh, that’s a hobo.
Chick #1: God, you’re so judgmental. I bet he’s just a free spirit.
Hobo: [Twitches and screams unintelligibly.]
–Union Square
