Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody’s getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That’s doubtful.
–Times Square
Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody’s getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That’s doubtful.
–Times Square
Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don’t like to be alone!
–B41 bus
Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College — where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, ‘Oh, I’m too old,’ well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC… And remember, knowledge is power.
–Q27 Bayside bus
Overheard by: Caro-kun
Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.
–M79 bus
Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.
–M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Stephen B.
Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn’t any crack that way! Relax!
–Atlantic Ave
Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.
–B1 bus, Kingsborough College
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
–1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?
–6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
–L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
–7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.
–A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Carol Ann
Angry guy in crosswalk: You should get a ticket!
Yielding cyclist, seemingly sincere: I love you!
Angry guy, passing: You should get a ticket!
Cyclist, pedaling off: I love you!
Angry guy, sheepishly: Thank you.
–70th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Andreas
Girl: Do you wanna do ‘shrooms with me?
Guy: No way, man. I don’t do drugs.
Girl: But drugs are awesome!
Guy: How about this — since there’s nothing more awesome than you, you can be my drug.
Girl: And then you can do me!
Guy: Okay… Well, that’s not really where I was going with that, but alright.
Girl: Wow, shows you where my head is at.
–86th & Broadway
Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: … And don’t think I’m gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I’m not gonna forget about that!
–Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Hardhat: Sir, what are you looking for?
Guy: There’s a store on this street that sells toupées for old ladies’ cunts.
–E 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: Cassie
Hobo: Can I have some?
Teen eating apple: No.
Hobo: Thank you.
Teen: … Ow, my conscience.
–6 train station
Overheard by: Annie
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There’s a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There’s also a lot of dreams in this world.
–2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· “The Buddha Grows Up” – Barry P.
· “Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck” – Rick Felice
· “Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am” – Golf Widow
· “The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech” – Peter Madsen
· “Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!” – Jo
Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, ‘All you need is love,’ and Marvin Gaye said, ‘What’s goin’ on.’
Old lady: Now, that’s a nice thing to remember.
–7 train
Overheard by: Tom
