Pilots

Pilot: We’ll be flying with our team of flight attendants today, and of course we’ll be looking forward to the great service they provide… [Awkward laugh] The great service they provide to you, of course.

American Airlines flight

Overheard by: not that kind of service

Captain: Welcome to JetBlue! I am your captain, Greg, and sitting next to me is your co-captain… also Greg.

Flight to Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Chelsea

Pilot standing at door to plane after pulling into gate: Shit! I totally didn't mean to park here!

Airport
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Pilot, during severely delayed flight: This is your pilot speaking, no word from air traffic control, but I just wanted to let you know…that I'm thinking of all of you.

Runway
Miami International Airport, Florida

Overheard by: Chelsea

Airplane pilot: And just for sanitary reasons, please change your babies diapers in the bathroom, not on the pullout table in front of you, because people might stare.

Airport
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: nicole

Captain, over intercom, after lights go out: You are getting veeeery sleeeeeepy… You do not want peaaanuts… You do not want soooodaaa… You just want to sleeeep until we laaaaand.

Southwest Airlines Flight over California

Overheard by: Andrew

Pilot: And if you have any comments or questions, go ahead and look me up on Facebook.

Vancouver
Canadia

Pilot over loudspeaker: It’s 40 degrees outside and sunny, and we will be landing shortly. Welcome to… Where are we? Oh. Philadelphia! Welcome to Philadelphia!

Flight over Pennsylvania

Overheard by: And he’s flying this plane?

Pilot: Before we start our ascent, an important question: Anyone here from the North Allegheny high school class of ’68? [silence] I always ask. I’m hoping at some point I’ll find my old girlfriend.

JetBlue flight
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

Pilot to passengers: Welcome to Hawaii! I’m going to tell you all what my mom told me when I turned 18: get your bags and get out.

Direct flight from Seattle, Washington to Oakland, California