Scents of the City

I Smell a Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to young son: That’s not a superhero, that’s a rat.

–Subway station, 116th & Lenox

Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors or else you will be bitten by a rat!

–A train

Overheard by: Jake

Mother to child: Don’t do that or I’m going to throw you in the sewer… with the rats and the alligators.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Thompson

Guy holding four-year-old: Damn, this mothafucka smells like rat ass and monkey nuts.

–2 train, Fulton & Nassau

Man: They call it ‘rat poison,’ but it could just as easily be called ‘husband poison.’

–Near Fat Black Pussycat, W 3rd St

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

From the Mommie Dearest Deleted Scenes

Girl: Do you think I should have a party?
Mother: No, no one would come.
Girl: Why not?
Mother: Because you smell.

–Jamba Juice, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Dealt It

Guy: But I have to say that 93% of the time I smell good.

–West Building, Hunter College

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Butch lesbian: Damn, now that’s the stank I’m talkin’ about. It smells like ass in here!

–Lexington/51St subway station

Girl on cell: Ok, I’ll meet you for coffee, but I need to stop and get some deodorant, because apparently, according to my entire Spanish class, I stink.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: keeping my distance

Ghetto girl: Tanise, what kind of funk are tryin’ to hide with that stink?

–42nd & 8th Avenue

Overheard by: Lauri

Ghetto Girl: If my pussy stank I’d kill myself. My pussy ain’t never stank.

–1 train

Overheard by: Josh H

Little boy: You smell like piss!

–Medieval Festival, Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Jenny

Yuppie woman: He’s 14! That’s old enough to recognize the smell of burning human flesh!

–Broadway, between 11th St & 12th St

Overheard by: Are We There Yet?

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working in the Olfactory

Loud girl, about some smelly hipsters: Damn, them muthafuckas is stank. The power of Christ compel that shit.

–M96 bus

Overheard by: Tommy

Guy near street vendor: Dude, that smell. It always smells like mouse or something.

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Atlanta girl

Thug teen, to friend who has just farted: Damn, nigga! Yo’ shit smells like hot dog water!

–L train

Overheard by: lauren cawdrey

Shrewd observer: She just looks like she would smell bad.

–Astoria Blvd, Queens

Ghetto woman on cell: Girl, I knew she would smell like fish the second I saw her!

–23rd & 1st

Wednesday One-Liners Hang the Cross Upside Down

Girl: It smells like blasphemy!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: I only smelled mulch

Tattooed chick: It’s Christa. You remember, Christ with an A, because I’m so fucking godlike.

–8th & A

Overheard by: Meredith

Guy: She looks like the female version of Dave, which is a bit disconcerting to me…He looks like traditional representations of Jesus.

–Manhattan bound L train

Overheard by: Philip

Guy: Me and Jesus don’t get along.

–W 30th, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Maggie

Femme on cell: So, like, our periods stopped at the same time for two hours so we could have sex and I was like, God loves me. Jesus was clearly gay.

–103rd & Broadway

Middle-Aged lady: Yeah, you can’t go switchin’ churches like that. That’s too many different spirits. You’ll be dealin’ with demons and stuff.

–F train

Overheard by: Yanni

College guy: No, really, dude. The guy’s a full-time, licensed exorcist!

–W 4th St A/C/E uptown platform

Overheard by: EJ

Muscular dude: I am devoted to crack but not to Christ! Please explain that to me. I’m a good crackhead, but I ain’t a good Christian!

–Downtown 1 train

Street vendor: NYU students, you gotta love them. They be going through hell and jumping out of windows and shit.

–Spring & Broadway

Luckily, She Shits Preservatives

Woman: I thought you liked the smell of poop?
Little girl: Only fresh poop!

–118th & Malcolm X

Overheard by: sk

Regardless, They’re Pretty Much Dead-Set On Calling It ‘Paris’

Girl: Paris Hilton has a fragrance?! What’s it supposed to smell like, unwashed crotch?

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Rainey

Wanted: New Aesthetic Frame of Reference

Mother, passing vendor cart: Wow, that smells good! That’s the only thing here that smells good. That meat could be pussy and, smelling that good, I’d eat it! [They pass a fish stand.] Dammit! My twat smells better than that!!

–Canal St

Overheard by: The Un-Tourist

I Was Striving For More of a Dysentery Fragrance, With Overtones of Colon Cancer

Lady: Ewww! It smells like someone made a dump!

Bum shrugs.

–Queens Blvd, Forest Hills

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