Guy on cell: Holy shit, she’s too fucking old to get AIDS. The virus would be like “Ew, fuck that, she’s old.”
–F train
Overheard by: Glynnis
A blocked sewer grate causes a nasty-looking puddle. A Black guy steps over it and says: This shit’s disgusting. This is how we all get AIDS.
–23rd & Park
Overheard by: Erica
Guy #1: So what do you do?
Guy #2: I’m a therapist.
Guy #1: Wow. Master’s or PhD?
Guy #2: Massage.
–22nd & 8th
Overheard by: Ben Wade
Professor: What is significant about the character’s reaction?
Chick: Well, you can tell he’s scared because he’s really pale.
Professor: …what do you mean, he’s pale? It’s a black and white film, they’re all pale.
–New School film class
There is this guy scratching his balls, going deep. A little girl is around him, and two ladies are about to walk by. After observing the ball scratching and the little girl, one lady says: She is going to be scarred for life.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Tamika J.
Lady: I’m looking for non-leather shoes.
Saleswoman: Why non-leather?
Lady: I’m vegan. I don’t wear any animal products.
Saleswoman: Well, they don’t kill the cows to get the leather.
Lady: Where do you think they get the leather from? Do you think there’s a bunch of skinless cows roaming a farm somewhere?
–Forest Hills shoe store
Overheard by: MG
Hobo: Oh shit, baboons. They might bite me. I gotta be careful!
–54th & 7th
Crazy lady: Of course, as you can see, there are Fiddlywumps in there, and that’s the number one sign that you should leave the area immediately.
–14th & 7th
Crazy man: You know how da fish swibbles as it follows da current on da waves? It’s a baddacudda outta control. Dat’s what happens in ya mind. Ya know, da mind waves?
–42nd & 6th
Wheeltard: I’m a fucking genius! I’m a fucking genius! Hitler was amazing, everyone hail Hitler!
–7th Avenue & Grove
Hobo: Man, I’m going to fuckin’ Hong Kong. I’m sick of dodging bullets every day.
–110th & Morningside Drive
Overheard by: Laird
Taxi driver: There’s too many fucking buses in this city! And they all empty! And now you going to go kill all the Arabs for the gas for the empty fucking buses!
–5th Avenue cab
Overheard by: Megan E.
Crazy guy: Geraldo Rivera and his army. Is his wife in there? Bring her too.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: KJD
Crackhead: I can’t get married because first they took the land from the Indians and then they tried to take money from the poor and eliminate races!
–40th & Park
Overheard by: Vanessa
Boy: Mom!…Mom!
Father: Dad. The name is Dad.
–Eli’s, 80th & 3rd
Columbia guy: I don’t think I should see Avenue Q on stage. Whenever I see puppets I start throwing up. Just throwing up all over the place. The same thing with porn. When I’m a father I’m just going to show my kids so much porn that they throw up. Then I’ll turn them into computer geeks.
–114th & Broadway
Overheard by: Maxwell Cohen
Woman: I mean, he got really mad at me after I slept with his father…and it was only one time!
–6 train
Dad on cell: …we gotta go out by ourselves…the fuckin’ kids, they always want something, it never stops!…Yeah?! Well, what the fuck does the little Princess want now?!
–Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd
Dad on cell: Hi, Sammy. How was school today?…Uh huh, what did you do in computers?…What do you mean, you had to show three pictures?…And you were able to do it?…You use Macs in school, right?…Yeah, it’s an Apple. A Mac is an Apple…You know that’s different than the computer you use at home…Yeah, it’s a different operating system…Well, I’m glad you were able to do it. Let me talk to Mommy.
–Acela Express train
Papa thug: Yo, next time someone pushes you like that, you don’t push back, you hear?…you kick him in the motherfucking face.
–12th Street between 1st & A
Overheard by: milo
Her baby daddy: …yeah, she’d be about 15 or 16 by now. But her mom was messin’ around, too, so…She better not come to me 50 years later sayin “she’s yours” cause I don’t play that. Plus, I got a little girl of my own, so I’m good.
–A train
Overheard by: lori dockendorf
Dad: Walking is just like running, only slower.
–Atlantic Avenue mall
Boy: I mean, if it weren’t for the child support, you’d be good, right?
Father: What?
–60th & 3rd
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Dad: Babies have giant heads…and our heads shrink as we get older.
–Museum of Natural History
Boyfriend: Fucking tourists!
Girlfriend: Seriously!
Boyfriend: Let’s go to J&R.
Girlfriend: It’s Saturday.
Boyfriend: Fucking Orthodox!
–Century 21, Cortlandt Street
Overheard by: Joe Baranello
Teen girl: Like, I thought he was Jewish but then he ate a gyro so I dumped him.
Teen boy: That’s rough. Did he have it with that white sauce?
Teen girl: What difference does that make? Shit, you’re dumb.
–F train
Overheard by: Steph Gold
Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?
–Central Park
Overheard by: alec
Girl on cell: Like, how many miles are in a square mile?
–Central Park
Overheard by: Glynnis
Guy on cell: No. You don’t understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Hambone Bootblack
Jogger lady: Oh, great, it’s raining. Thanks a lot, God.
–Central Park
Overheard by: mj
Man: That guy’s got a chicken. He’s gonna burn it! Hey man, don’t hurt the animals! He’s gonna burn the chicken!
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: Alex Romanovich
