Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Nouveau Riche

Female shopper to Bloomingdale's cologne sprayer: Don't you dare spray your $30 over my $150.

–Perfume Aisle, Bloomingdale's

Old lady on cell: I mean, it's just five million…

–Madison & 77th St

Very rich mom to new nanny, about baby in stroller: Okay, well, she loves sushi, and…

–Upper East Side

Rich teen: I asked my mom to go to Louis Vuitton with me this weekend and she was like, "we're in a recession, let's go to Dolce."

–42nd St

Overheard by: I want a m6

Label-whore eating grapes and cheese, to friend: Oh my god, I feel so rich when I eat this stuff… Oh, wait, I am.

–Paul's Cafe

Nine Times Out of Ten They'll Guess Idaho

Middle aged white woman: You know, if you're not communicating with someone you can't just stick a potato up their ass and expect them to know where you're coming from.
Middle aged ponytail guy: True, true.

–Broadway Station Bar, Astoria

Wednesday One-Liners Shoulda Looked It Up

Coworker: Heiser… Wasn’t that Hitler’s last name?

–Public library

Overheard by: Apparently I’m related to that guy

Lady in line: What’s the difference between french fries and cheese fries?

–Shake Shack

Overheard by: cheese connoisseur

Confused German tourist: Is this the meatloaf district?

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Guy: What is the opposite of September?

–Law firm, Lexington Avenue

Girl: Wait… Was Hurricane Katrina a tsunami?

–Francis School, Staten Island

Clueless girl to captain of the schooner Adirondack: So, like, is Adirondack a girl’s name or something?

–Hudson River

Overheard by: glad I’m not her daughter

Woman leaving the subway: I still don’t get it. Is the subway a train or a bus?

–Museum of Natural History subway station

Overheard by: dinoman

There’s a Reason for Those Frogs, Unbeliever

Guy #1: I heard someone say Friday evening was so wild, a town on Long Island was hit with a tomato! What’s up with that? A tomato? Is that like when it rains frogs for no reason?
Guy #2: That’s tornado, you dick! Say it with me: tor-na-do!
Guy #1: Oh…okay.

–Penn Station

Uh oh. I’m not married or gay…

Chick #1: I have never been in love! Never never ever! Can you believe it?
Chick #2: Really? Wow! Well, look what’s out there.
Chick #1: I know! All the good ones are married, all the cute ones are gay, and the rest look like Shrek! All I want to do is meet a really sweet nice guy whos gorgeous and musical and creative and sweet like Jack White! Oh my god, he’s a god!
Chick #2: That White Stripes guy that punched someone out?
Chick #1: Yeah, he’s my idea of a perfect guy! God I love him!
Chick #2: Look! I got chocolate!
Chick #1: Yeah! Chocolate!

–Otto’s Shrunken Head, East Village

A Real Life Three’s Company Moment

Guy: …so then she tells me she’s a call girl.
Girl: Oh, I did that for a while. Back in high school.
Guy: You were a call girl?
Girl: Yeah, for a little while. It sucked.
Guy: Um…yeah?
Girl: Yeah. Pay was okay, but it just wasn’t worth it. Everybody always yelling at you and hanging up on you.
Guy: Hanging up on you?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Because you were a call girl?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Like a telemarketer?
Girl: Yes!
Guy: Oh. Well, this girl wasn’t…that kind of call girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: Heather

He’s a Huge Baseball Fan

Blonde #1: Is Super Bowl Sunday this Thursday?
Blonde #2: I think so… I’ll ask my boyfriend, he’ll know.

–Union Square

Overheard by: brunette in a bottle

Wednesday One-Liners, a Worldwide Pants Production

Man on cell: The notebook is perfect and it also fits down my pants.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I Love You Alex

Hipster girl: So, as I was tasting him… Oh! My pants just unbuttoned!

–W 12th St

Overheard by: Paige

Conductor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is our last stop, Grand Central Station. Please make sure you have your purses, pants, makeup and fake eyebrows.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Meaghan

High school goomba on cell: He’s just mad because I’ve got my own style. Y’know, I decided what I wanted to be like — y’know, how I wanted to look — and went with it. Just wait until summer — he won’t be able to touch me. Yo, do you know how hard it is to find white pants in Staten Island if you’re a guy? I had to go to Brooklyn to get them!

–S48 bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: It’s not part of the uniform?

Girl on cell: Just pull your pants down and take it like a man!

–E 12th & 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: Mistres Silver

Dude: Remember when that Turkish girl stuck her hands in my pants? I was like, ‘Hold on. You’re Muslim and I’m Texan — I don’t think this is gonna work.’

–Cheapshots

Overheard by: B

Man to lady: I need pants desperately. I can’t wait!

–32nd & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners’ Eyes Are Bigger Than Their Stomachs

20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?

–Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don’t do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?

–St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam

Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I’m not. I’m a human.

–B Train

Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake

Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain’t gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.

–Union Square Whole Foods

Clueless suit on cell: I’m just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don’t know. Ok, so ice cream -that’s perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn’t perishable either… Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?

–E 60th St

Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can’t eat spaghetti-o’s anymore!

–E 13th St & 1st Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation

Tour guide: If you’re going to be in New York for at least a year, I’d recommend going to an outer borough.

–Bowling Green

Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.

–Worth & Broadway

Overheard by: Half Shirt

Office worker: We’ve lived in New York too long. Instead of saying “ridiculously overpriced” we say “upscale.”

–Office, Carnegie Hall

Overheard by: inge

Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don’t you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King’s Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!

–Uptown R train

Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!

–Barney’s Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Dr. Mary

Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Jen

Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!

–Times Square

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