The Bronx

Wednesday One-Liners Know the Guys Down at Vice a Little Too Well

Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.

–33rd & 8th

Overheard by: Alex

Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street!

–1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Kira

Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.

–150 5th Ave

Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses.

–6 train, 68th St

Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes.

–1 train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Kimdog

Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!

–Times Square

Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.

–Hughes Ave, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

The Technical Term Is ‘Crack Whore’

Drunk girl #1: I can’t believe he offered us $20 for that.
Drunk girl #2: We should have just took it. $20 is $20. We didn’t even have to do anything. We didn’t even have to look!
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, true, but can you imagine if those other two came around the corner while he was doing that.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, you’re right. They would not only think we were crackheads, but prostitutes too.

–Woodlawn

Not the Way I Was Raised to Assault a Lady

Guy #1: Whatever happened to good old-fashioned rape?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: Well, nowadays you hear about girls being drugged with, like, military sedatives.

–Fordham University, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!…He has a huge penis!

–189th St

Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.

–Red Hook

Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don’t get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Madhu Maganti

Guy: I’d give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They’re that good!…Ok, maybe half an inch.

–Park Avenue & 29th Street

Overheard by: 11221

Teen boy on cell: Hey, it’s Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.

–Times Square

Overheard by: laura

Woman: Aaah! I’ve got baby penises in my eye!

–Sephora, Times Square

Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.

–Bed-Stuy

Wednesday One-Liners: Too Busy to Acquire Social Skills

Virgin-For-Life: Clark Kent and Kal-El are the same goddamn thing, Joey! We are not having this conversation again! Jesus Christ! I’m going home!

–Coney Island

20-Something Virgin-For-Life, noticing guy with Superman t-shirt: Look! That’s who I wanna be when I grow up! Clark Kent! Imagine just taking a suit off and becoming a superhero.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Guy With Superman t-shirt

Virgin-For-Life: The intestinal epithelium is my dream tissue.

–Albert Einstein College of Medicine, the Bronx

Overheard by: Joshua Drumm

Virgin-For-Life: He’s really sharp. He’s like the head of Voltron.

–23rd between 5th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Think ‘Un’ Is Also a Kind of Faithful

Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she’ll still gimme some. She know that!

–7 train

Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!… You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn

Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Keith

Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that’s over, wanna get back in bed?

–32nd & 7th

Cop: So I’m fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!

–238th & Broadway

Overheard by: Miriam

Isn’t That From Dr. Seuss’s ‘I Don’t Like Penis Made of Glass/ I Do Not Like It in My Ass’?

Younger woman: Have you seen any of the Chihuly glass?
Elderly woman: Yes, it looks like penises with diseases!

–New York Botanical Garden, the Bronx

Probably a Sufficient Interim Explanation

Man to wife: …and I said, “What are you: a crackhead?!”
Young daughter: What’s a crackhead, Daddy?
Man: It’s someone that slipped and cracked their head.

Strung-out hobo walks by, asking for change.

Man: See, honey. He’s a crackhead.

–E Fordham Rd & Lorillard Pl, the Bronx

Mary: ‘God Was so Small, it Was Like I Was Doing it With Myself’

Altar boy #1: Plants are asexual since they do it with themselves and then spawn.
Altar boy #2: Like Mother Mary?

–Bronx High School of Science

Uncertain How to Proceed With This Conversation, They Decided to Get a Cat Together

College kid #1: If you must choose, would you rather be taking it up the ass or be the one fucking another guy?
College kid #2: I’d be the one giving it to another guy.
College kid #1: Damn, you really are a fag.
College kid #2: And you?
College kid #1: The same.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Mhunt

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