Dumb blonde #1: Yeah, so, like, Photoshop is better for, like, for photos, and Illustrator is better for, like, illustrations, and InDesign is better for, like, designing stuff.
Dumb blonde #2: Wow, I could never be a graphics person; that’s so much software.
Dumb brunette: I could! I use Paint all the time!
–Metro-North
Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors! [long pause] Retard!
Loud girl: What did he say?
Conductor on loudspeaker: Yes, I called him a retard!
–PATH train, WTC station
Overheard by: didn’t hold the doors
Guy to friends: Did anyone leave a belt at my house? I found one in my tree.
–LIRR
Overheard by: hbs
Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.
–Battery Park
Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.
–Lindy’s, 7th Ave
Overheard by: joemikehap
Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!
–F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.
–Grand Central
Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Laura
Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.
–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Clitoris Rex
Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!
–Times Square
Conductor: We know it’s Monday, and we’re sorry, but we still want to wish you a good week.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Hates Mondays
Conductor: This is the 5:50 super duper express train to Great Neck.
–LIRR
Overheard by: vm
Conductor: This is an uptown D train, making stops to wherever I want.
–Uptown D train
Overheard by: tired commuter
Conductor: 207th Street. Last stop. Everyone wake up and get the fuck off my train; I want to go home. Thanks for riding MTA.
–Uptown A train, 207th St
Overheard by: How far north can you go?
Conductor: Stand clear of the…uh…opening doors.
–Q train, 57th St
Overheard by: K. Chas
Conductor: Everybody out. This is the last stop on the Manhattan bound L train. You must use the Brooklyn bound L train and connect to the G to the A or C trains for service to Manhattan. [The train empties] Hahaha. Just kidding! Everybody back on. This train is going to Manhattan.
–Manhattan bound L train
Overheard by: Taylor G.
Conductor: Good morning, Manhattan, it’s Friday. We can do this! This is a Brooklyn bound 1 train. It’s 7:54. You’ve got plenty of time!
–1 train
Woman on cell: Ooh, so you’re wearing your birthday suit?
Little girl, screaming: What?! Daddy is wearing his birthday suit?! It’s not his birthday!
Woman: Honey! You can’t say that this loudly on the train!
Little girl, five minutes later: So I still don’t understand what a birthday suit is.
Little boy: I told you already! It’s a suit that dad got on his birthday, and he found it in the car today, so he decided to put it on.
Woman: Yep, he’s right.
–Metro-North train, Grand Central
Overheard by: Beth
Late-20’s woman #1: I think it’s time to get, like, a serious job.
Late-20’s woman #2: Good, you definitely should.
Late-20’s woman #1: So, I think I am going to apply for a job at Urban Outfitters!
–LIRR platform, Long Beach line
Overheard by: skilla
Scarecrow guy: You know, I’m pretty normal, for someone who’s completely out of control.
Woman: Right.
Scarecrow guy: We’re in different worlds now. I’m pretty Goth, and we’re trying to convince people we’re vampires. You’re a college grad. Different worlds, you know.
–LIRR
Overheard by: college grad’s friend
Guy, pushing on the door between cars: Can you not go between cars when it’s moving?
Old lady: It’s not the subway. You have to pull.
Guy pulls hard on the handle.
Old lady: Turn and pull.
Guy, passing through the door, shouts back loudly over his shoulder: So I push the next one?
–Metro-North, Harlem Line
Girl on cell: I feel so dirty…He rubbed oil all over my body. He’s short, but he has blue eyes…so hot…I’d let him crawl all over me!
–Hoboken PATH
Old blind woman singing for money in the train: I’ll rub hot oil all over your body … and God bless the child, that’s got his own, that’s got his own.
–F train downtown
Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked–and that was fun–but there ain’t no love like the love of Jesus.
–M15 bus
Overheard by: Ben Beckley
