Words

Wednesday One-Liner Often Wonder How It Started To Be Spelled That Way

Girl: …well it stopped working 'cause it got cum in it.

–W 27th St

Chick: I'm starving. The only protein I've had all day is an accidental cum shot to the face earlier this morning.

–SoHo

Guy to friends: If y'all was to really write it down and make a… a food chain of all of who used to date who, and who's dating who now, I bet you y'all got all the same juices running up in y'all system.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Kosi

Passing guy on cell: All I'm saying is everyone should have control over where their sperm goes.

–7th Ave

Hoochie on cell : Because I manage to get very juicy.

–L Train

Drunk girl at restaurant holding a champagne bottle: Excuse me, sir, can you open this for me? I'm afraid it's going to cum everywhere.

–Kaleidoscope, E 10th St

College dude: I bet there's semen somewhere on this grass.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Liz

When You're Wearing That Corset and Thigh-High Boots

Mom (to young girl banging on subway seat): Stop that, quiet.
Young girl: What'cha gonna do, open up a can of whoop-ass on me?
Mom: Girl, what did you say? Where did you learn that?
Young girl: You always say it to daddy.

–2 Train

Um, You Never See Shrubs in the White House?

Kid #1, after playing hide-and-seek: So where were you?
Kid #2: I hid in the bush.
Kid #3, yelling and throwing hands in the air in disgust: No! You weren't hiding in the bush, you were hiding in the shrubs. Doesn't anybody know the difference between bushes and shrubs?!

–Central Park

Sweet Nothings in My Ear and Hot Tar on My Ass

Cashier #1: So then where did you go?
Cashier #2: He took me up to the roof.
Cashier #1: Girl, you are so lucky! He sounds so romantical.
Cashier #2: Yeah, that’s how I like it.

–C Town Supermarket, Queens

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Have It? I AM It!

Lady: Do you have Real Simple?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple? Do you have Real Simple magazine?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple! Do you have Real Simple?!

–Magazine Stand, Herald Square

Overheard by: Rehey

Wait, Back Up to the Chalupa Date

Girl: Taco Bell is fifty cents, but I don’t want to go to Taco Bell for a date.
Guy: Have you noticed that if you say “Taco Bell” enough, it starts to sound funny?
Girl: Taco Bell.
Guy: Taco Bell. It sounds like a battle of the Civil War.
Girl: The Battle of Taco Bell.

—Threepenny Opera, Studio 54

That Was More Her Late Husband’s Thing

Woman #1: There is no ethical dilemma! It’s right there in the Bible!
Woman #2: Oh, Bible schmible.
Woman #1: Honestly, Helen. Is that the best rejoinder you can manage? Can we possibly have just one discussion without you pulling out the schmefix?

–Stuyvesant Town Oval

Overheard by: Laid-Off Dad

You Lost Me

Man: I never understood what that meant: “brickoven.”
Woman: It means it's cooked in a brick oven.

–Grimaldi's Pizza

Overheard by: Stacy

There's Nothing Sexier Than the C-Word

Five-year-old boy at young nanny as they wait in line: Mimi? You're the “c” word.
Mimi, looking shocked: The “c” word? What do you mean?
Five-year-old boy: You know… C-e-x-y. Will you marry me?

–Checkout Line, Columbus Circle Whole Foods

Overheard by: tinyfoo

His Dream Is to Fuck a Brain in a Jar / Stephen Hawking

Guy: I am sapien-sexual. That means I am into minds, not bodies!
Bimbette: I’ve never been into vocabulary.

–11th & University

Overheard by: Maggie

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