Advice

Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!

–University & E 9th St

Overheard by: Thompson

Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Mark Jochens

Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: traPt

Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.

–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Argopelter

Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!

–Mercer University

Overheard by: J Dawg

Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dave

That’s What My Doctor Said

Young queer #1: I’m getting my tonsils out the day after next.
Young queer #2: Girlfriend, you’d better suck some dicks before then!

–14th & 8th

I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.

–JFK

Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.

–JFK

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Sheffler

Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.

–JFK

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.

–United flight, JFK

Overheard by: clueless about electronics

Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time!

–JFK

Overheard by: Nancy L.

The Subway Is No Place for a Room Full of Boners

Muscular balck guy enters holding his shirt, wearing only boxers.

Young white mother: How did you know it was going to rain?
Black guy: I didn’t want my shirt to get wet, so I took it off.
Old hobo, panhandling: Man, you could give lap dances right here!

–R train

Overheard by: Emma

Everybody Walks Over Her, but No One Stops

Little girl: You’re like a staircase!
Mother: You’re like a staircase!
Little girl: No, you’re like a staircase!
Mother: How am I like a staircase?
Little girl: Turn around, and be like a staircase!

–11th & 4th

Overheard by: tj

I Brought My Paddle!

Passenger #1: I’m gonna be riding in the Five Boro Bike Tour, but I haven’t begun training yet. If I don’t train, my legs will be fine but my ass will be sore. My ass isn’t ready for that long a ride.
Passenger #2: I think Jake* would love to help train your ass for the ride!

–4 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

You Should Never Dick around with Your Health

Girl buying coffee, coughing: I hate this throat. It’s a piece of shit!
Guy buying Red Bull: You know what helps with that?
Girl: Please don’t say ‘cock’ again.
Guy, flustered and laughing: What I was going to say was ‘cough syrup.’
Male cashier, laughing: $8.98’s your change.

–Christopher St

There Won’t Be Any New Exhibits Until Next Month

Cop to loud ghetto kids strutting through train: Excuse me, but you can’t be walking through the trains like this.
Ghetto girl: Ex-cuuuse me?
Ghetto boy: Yo, don’t be sayin’ shit. Let’s be out — I don’t wanna go to jail today.

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Finally, Maybe She’ll Get Rid of That Goiter

Lady: Maybe we should go get some soup for your daughter instead of the vegetable Tempura.
Mother of young girl: Why?
Lady: Because she’s not eating the vegetables — she’s just drinking the Tempura sauce.
Mother: Oh. That’s fine.

–Food court, Mall

Hot Chicks Can Use Anything As a Pick-Up Line

Guy #1: Thank God we cant get pregnant.
Guy #2: Yes! [Slaps high-five.]Drunk girl: Normally I’d slap you five, but I stopped taking birth control last week… So if anyone wants to impregnate me, now is the time!

–Penn Station

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