Little girl: Mom, I really, really want to jump off!
Mom: No, you really don’t.
–86th floor, Empire State Building
Little girl: Mom, I really, really want to jump off!
Mom: No, you really don’t.
–86th floor, Empire State Building
Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until… ever. Smoking is bad for you.
–American Airlines flight
Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!
–Outside Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us
Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself
Professor arguing with student: I’m just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it’s just not cutting it.
–100 Washington Sq East
Little girl: Mommy, you know how it’s cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.
–Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station
Overheard by: wasn’t me
Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I’d grind ’em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.
–PATH, 9th St
Overheard by: Zenana
Chick: I think I’m going to take up smoking in order to make friends.
–Christopher & Bleecker
Guy #1: She’s so sensitive sometimes, I don’t know how to handle it.
Guy #2: Yeah… Do you ever hit her?
Guy #1: Wait… What? No!
Guy #2: You should.
–5 train
40-something lady suit: Well, I don’t want to work with her anymore.
Young male suit: She’s so high-strung all the time. She needs a vacation or somethi–
40-something lady suit: –What she needs is to set aside a Saturday and get fucked by 10 men at the same time.
–81st & Central Park West
Overheard by: Zenana
Little girl: Hey, my friend makes more money than you.
Employee: Yeah, I’m sure that’s true.
Little girl: No. Look at her — she’s seven and doesn’t have a job.
Employee: You’re making me feel much better.
–McDonald’s, Delancey & Essex
High schooler #1: I want to give up something for Lent, but I’m not sure what.
High schooler #2: Why don’t you give up TV?
High schooler #1: What?! Are you crazy? I would just die! Especially in the winter months — my face would just melt off.
–BX10 bus, Bronx
Overheard by: Princessbeena
Hobo: You go to USC? I used to go there, man. Of course, I didn’t graduate… Don’t major in Chemistry. Also, don’t smoke crack.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: not planning on it
Conductor: If you do not fit through the physics of the train, please step aside — this train is not made of spandex.
–F train
Overheard by: BellaFrancine
Bimbette: I could change the world if I just opened my Biology book.
–Dorm room, Columbia campus
Overheard by: college girl
Elegant 20-ish black chick on cell: Do you truly expect me to come out to New Jersey so I can drink Rolling Rock? And listen to Matchbox 20? With a bunch of white bitches? Who majored in Psychology? … How many things are wrong with that?
–Salvation Army store, Waverly Place
Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo
Dad: … Should have hit him — you don’t just let someone just step on your hand like that…
Four-year-old: Da-aaad! It was an accident.
–Heckscher Playground
Overheard by: Clarity Burntime
Fat lady coworker: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Thin lady coworker: Okay. Remember, tonight, what are you going to have?
Fat coworker: A salad.
Thin coworker: Right, a salad. Or something light. I like grilled chicken.
Fat coworker: Okay, right.
Thin coworker: I’m going to ask you tomorrow what you had, okay?
Fat coworker: Sure.
Thin coworker: You know I’m just trying to help, right?
Fat coworker: Uh-huh.
–Barnes & Noble, 6th Ave & W 8th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Cabbie: So, you and your husband are looking for property?
Chick: No, he’s just my boyfriend. We live together.
Cabbie: That is not good. You have to leash your camel tight or else they run away. Run away fast.
–Cab
Overheard by: Friend of Unmarried Gal
