All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners Go to the Park

Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–Central Park

Overheard by: alec

Girl on cell: Like, how many miles are in a square mile?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Glynnis

Guy on cell: No. You don’t understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Hambone Bootblack

Jogger lady: Oh, great, it’s raining. Thanks a lot, God.

–Central Park

Overheard by: mj

Man: That guy’s got a chicken. He’s gonna burn it! Hey man, don’t hurt the animals! He’s gonna burn the chicken!

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Alex Romanovich

Wednesday One-liners Know Their Maps

Chick on phone: Where is Argentina?…Is there a beach?

–Madison Avenue office

Tourist guy: You know, for such a big city, it’s funny that New York has no rivers.

–Q train

Overheard by: Eva D

Navy lady: So he tried to tell me that this was the Empire State Building, but it’s Trump Tower!

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

Wednesday One-liners Know How to Get Around

Bus driver: The stop after this will be the next one. We should be arriving in a week to ten days.

–M42 bus

Overheard by: Dan Alcalde

Transit cop: I guess I’ll pretend to do something here.

–Queens Plaza station

Conductor: Passengers, please do not use your valuables, or your child, to stop the train doors from closing!

–1 train

Black guy: I got me a ghetto Gold Card, son. It’ll get you on the train, it’ll get you on the bus.

–A train

Overheard by: Timothy C

Loudspeaker: Would anyone that speaks Chinese please report to the Amtrak Information booth in the center of the Terminal? Anyone that speaks Chinese.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: P. Mills

Chick: The cabdriver wouldn’t let us leave the cab unless I showed him
my tits. That is so my away message tomorrow!

–LIRR train

Overheard by: Steve Carbo

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the delay in landing the aircraft, but the air traffic controller here at LaGuardia is an angry, bitter man.

–over LaGuardia

Overheard by: Dana Clair

Wednesday One-liners Hate Those Big Corporations

British chick: Now not only do I have to blow up Bank of America, I now have to blow up Macy’s.

–27th Street office

Teenage girl shaking her fist: Fuck you Duane Reade! Gah!

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chella

Woman: I feel like I’m in eastern Europe. This Duane Reade is ghetto.

–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th

Woman: So I was like, “Move your hand! What is this, Cinemax?”

–Times Square

Wednesday One-liners Are a Perfect Match

Teen girl: Yeah, and then I woke up in a pool of his vomit. It was awesome.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: SammyCat

Construction worker on cell: Yeah, she walked right in…Man, I was friggin’ jerking off!…No. She stayed and watched…Of course I’m calling her again.

–53rd & Lexington

Man on cell: She and I both got diarrhea at 11:00 exactly. I mean, we’re like E.T. and Elliot.

–20th & 5th

Girl on cell: I’m telling you, watching my boyfriend get head was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen!

–F train

Overheard by: seraphina

Let’s Move Some Wednesday One-liners Product

California chick: I was doing ketchup commercials in fourth grade; imagine where I could be now.

–Gatsby’s, Spring Street

DVD bootlegger: Counterfeit? How can these be counterfeit products if they haven’t even made the real ones yet?

–34th & 7th

Girl: Ohmigod! She keeps sending me tea! She’ll send me tea but not money! I don’t need tea! I need money! She’s freakin’ crazy!

–MailBoxes Etc., Columbus & 82nd

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: That’s why I wanna take a business class, so my album can sell.

–BMCC

Overheard by: Goadster

Street vendor: Rims, Rims…buy some rims. Don’t have to own a car to buy rims!

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: Larissa Kyzer

Boy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? My name is Dante, and I’m not selling candy for my basketball team. I’m selling candy for myself, trying to get some cash in my pockets.

–4 train

Blockbuster girl: Well, Sideways is supposed to be totally good. It won a Grammy for Best Picture.

–Astoria Blockbuster

Overheard by: L.C.P.

I Think He’s a Wednesday One-liner!

Queer: Yeah he’d be perfect for you if he wasn’t straight. You both love dogs.

–13th & A

Girl: So I have, like, this army of lesbians chasing after me, but it’s too bad; I have to tell them I switched back over.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Guy: …sprinkled cocaine in his asshole and snorted it.

–18th between 5th & 6th

Pretty-boy: She’s like, “So I’m not a tranny just because I can’t afford the hormones?” and I’m like, “Um, yeah”. I mean, it’s my party, I can call you “she” if I want to!

–Atlas cafe, Williamsburg

Overheard by: emdashes

Girl: It’s not because you’re gay…it’s because we’re better than you.

–Greenpoint

Wednesday One-liners for the Fratboy

Girl: Ugh! And it smelled like a fucking frat basement in there!

–7th Street & 1st Avenue

Overheard by: Heather

Broker on cell: Less is more? Fuck that! I want it all.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Abe

Guy: You know, when I was a kid, all the little boys in the neighborhood would sit around and jerk each other off. It was always a circle jerk.

–44th & 9th

Wednesday One-liners Salute the University of New York

NYU chick on cell: You know you’re having a bad day when you break your aura.

–West 4th & Jones

Overheard by: Sam Zimman

Guy: NYU is like a disease. It’s shaping the minds of the fucking
future.

–South Street seaport

Chick on cell: Oh my god, I just totally bombed my final. But it’s not fair. It’s not my fault I got stuck in a class with all smart people. My grade’s totally going to skyrocket downwards.

–NYU, Waverly & Washington Square East

Overheard by: LMF

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