All Wednesday One-Liners

My Fantasy? Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Francesca

Guy: So what you’re saying is that every event in modern history was
caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?

–Chevy’s, Times Square

Overheard by: Kenny B

Boy on cell: …yeah, I know! So then I said, “Bitch, that’s what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!”

–C train

Overheard by: Lorelai Greenwood

Fat lady: You know, I don’t think I would make a good vampire…I don’t like staying up too late.

–W. 57th Street office

Wednesday One-liners Make an Ass of Themselves

Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you’ve got one fuckable ass.

–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street

Overheard by: catherine

Hobo: How you doin’? How you doin’? I’m doin’ good. Yeah, you know I’m doin’ good, cause I’m lookin’ good! And you know why I look good? ’cause I clean mah ass!

–1 train

Overheard by: Alex Valentine

NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won’t be able to.

–Silver Building, Waverly Place

Chick: I can’t believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, “Why don’t you fuck me up the ass while you’re at it?”

–55th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: Daniel

Wednesday One-liners Grab Some Dinner

Lady: Geez, what an adventure, huh? I mean, “grande ensalada”? I had no idea what I’d ordered until it came to the table!

–55th & Madison

Overheard by: Heather

Hobo: She eats the cole slawwww. She likes the Pepsi, not the Coke!

–Borough Park

Russian lady: How many times do I have to tell you? Puerto Ricans don’t eat tacos.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Jonathan

Man: We have to stop here so I can eat. If we keep walking, I can’t eat in the rain.

–23rd & Madison

Woman: It’s spiritual. I only eat yak.

–11th & A

Overheard by: Lisa D

Girl on cell: OK, well, get me as many cans of tuna as you can possibly carry.

–Washington Square & East 4th

Senior VP on phone: No, you can’t order Chilean sea bass anymore! They’re all bred artificially in ponds. The real ones are going extinct out of sheer deliciousness.

–Madison Avenue office

Woman: It’s too hot today for Indian food. Well unless, you know, you’re Indian.

–17th & Park

Overheard by: Robyn

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Girl: …and I was crying! Because he told me I was so ugly. But then he said he was just being honest…

–9th Street & 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Domi

Guy: Hey Dave, remember the last time we were here, that security guard came up to you and asked if you needed medical attention because he assumed you got hit in the mouth with a baseball?

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Michael Bull

Cop: You couldn’t suck hard enough to give her a hickey. All the stubble broke the suction.

–30th & 7th

Teenage boy: Honestly! Why would anyone put spermicide on their face?

–Bank Street

Overheard by: Jon Gordon

Mother: I can’t believe you like how Robin’s face looks. It doesn’t look like she’s wearing any makeup! She needs to wear makeup.

–Sephora, 5th Avenue

Wednesday One-liners Have Some Class

Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he’s writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan?

–171st & Broadway

Overheard by: Djlindee

Girl: Man if I had money, I’d be a classy bitch!

–Mona’s, Avenue B

Overheard by: Simon Mason

Guy on cell: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That’s what I do, man.

–18th between 5th and 6th

Guy: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, “Let’s steal something. Call me.”

–Old Town Bar, 18th Street

Overheard by: LMF

Chick: It’s amazing how much more tip you’ll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little.

–Soho party

Suit: You tell him I don’t spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up…in a nice way.

–38th & 7th

Overheard by: Krados

Man on cell: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it’s called www.getbitchslappedyoufuckingbitch.com. Or how about www.fuckthisshityoufuckingwhore.net.com?

–54th between 8th & Broadway

Mom: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?…He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that!

–137th Street station

Overheard by: Amanda Nazario

Wednesday One-liners Get on the 6

Hipster: I have so many friends in their 20s who are still virgins! Is “virgin” the new pink?

–6 train

Hobo: Listen up! I’m not here to beg or ask for money. I’m here to tell you that a flashlight like this one could save your life. There are no promises! Be prepared! Always carry a flashlight and water!

–6 train

Girlfriend: …and no more talking about economics when you are inside of me…

–6 train

Overheard by: A

Wednesday One-liners Hit Yuppietown

Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?”

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson

White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed.

–Williamsburg

Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?

–Bedford Avenue station

Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.

–Montrose Avenue station

Overheard by: K.M.

Wednesday One-liners Go to the Park

Drunk hobo: Excuse me, sir, do you have Michael Jackson’s phone number?

–Central Park

Overheard by: alec

Girl on cell: Like, how many miles are in a square mile?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Glynnis

Guy on cell: No. You don’t understand. These girls are hungry. Tofu is not going to fucking do it.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Hambone Bootblack

Jogger lady: Oh, great, it’s raining. Thanks a lot, God.

–Central Park

Overheard by: mj

Man: That guy’s got a chicken. He’s gonna burn it! Hey man, don’t hurt the animals! He’s gonna burn the chicken!

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Alex Romanovich

Wednesday One-liners Know Their Maps

Chick on phone: Where is Argentina?…Is there a beach?

–Madison Avenue office

Tourist guy: You know, for such a big city, it’s funny that New York has no rivers.

–Q train

Overheard by: Eva D

Navy lady: So he tried to tell me that this was the Empire State Building, but it’s Trump Tower!

–Columbus Circle

Wednesday One-liners & Missed Connections

Man on pay phone: Maria! I just got out of the doctor’s office. They told me I have herpes and I got them from you!

–34th Street station

Overheard by: Cristalle Stutrud

Woman: You wiped your nose with a tissue, held a tissue in the same hand, and then put your hands all over my papers. What’d you think I was going to do?

–Penn Station

Player: Yo, baby. New York’s a scary place. How about you hold my hand going down the street and make us both feel better?

–34th & 7th

Fat dude on cell: Girl, take that fucking dildo out of your pussy and talk to me!

–4th Street between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Andrea Quijano

Fratboy: Zack is cool, until he starts grabbing my ass.

–Bensonhurst

Crazy man: You know what your problem is? You’re not drinking enough milk…from a penis!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Victor Preuninger

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