Girl: I’m warning you in advance, way in advance: don’t get too drunk tonight, you always end up with someone bad.
–St. Mark’s Place
Woman: …and now I don’t want to even see his feet much less touch them!
–72nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Nora
JetBlue chick: You can’t be dating him, he looks all dyslexic.
–JFK
Overheard by: Jessica
Chick on cell: …and it’s ironic, but the Museum of Sex was like a bad lay: small, and not performing to my expectations.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Woman: This block has the best garbage!
–2nd Avenue & 8th Street
Girl on cell: We’ve already got plans again for this weekend. I’m really excited about this guy; he’s great. He’s really driven, really ready to succeed. He’s a doctor…No, not in real life, on TV.
–57th & Lexington
Overheard by: Heather
White guy: That wasn’t the best day of my life, though. The best day was the day after my birthday when I recoverd my hard drive.
–Astoria party
Overheard by: Noah Starr
Man on cell: I like them shoes with the ruffle. The ones you wore to the Olive Garden that one time.
–Broadway & Prince
Girl: In theory…I was going to end that sentence with, “the dolphins will be OK.”
–7 train
Overheard by: Amado Angel
Lady: Well, he’s an ex-junkie, an alcoholic, mean-tempered, a practicing bisexual, and he has hepatitus C. But he’s a wonderful man and, as guys like that go, he does have great taste in jewelry.
–Midtown office
Loudspeaker: Spirit Airlines is paging Islam Mohammed. Islam Mohammed, please report to gate B6 for an ontime departure.
–LaGuardia
Overheard by: Joe Helfrich
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, in a crowded car like this, remember you only have two hands. If you notice a third hand in your purse or your pocket, I am sure your fellow passengers will help you get rid of the third hand.
–A train
Overheard by: Miss Babette
Bus driver: First, next and last stop!
–M104 bus
Overheard by: Palaverist
Loudspeaker: OK…The downtown E train is leaving…Close it up, close it up, close it up…downtown E train…close it up…now serving Wade, party of 2…Wade, party of 2.
–E. 51st Street station
Overheard by: Tim
Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.
–Greenpoint
Overheard by: Francesca
Guy: So what you’re saying is that every event in modern history was
caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?
–Chevy’s, Times Square
Overheard by: Kenny B
Boy on cell: …yeah, I know! So then I said, “Bitch, that’s what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!”
–C train
Overheard by: Lorelai Greenwood
Fat lady: You know, I don’t think I would make a good vampire…I don’t like staying up too late.
–W. 57th Street office
Queer: As my grandmother used to say, you’ve got one fuckable ass.
–Marie’s Crisis, Grove Street
Overheard by: catherine
Hobo: How you doin’? How you doin’? I’m doin’ good. Yeah, you know I’m doin’ good, cause I’m lookin’ good! And you know why I look good? ’cause I clean mah ass!
–1 train
Overheard by: Alex Valentine
NYU chick: All this work is going to fuck me in the ass so much my boyfriend won’t be able to.
–Silver Building, Waverly Place
Chick: I can’t believe how much he charged me for this disposable camera. I was like, “Why don’t you fuck me up the ass while you’re at it?”
–55th & 3rd
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Black guy: Damn, it smells like open ass around here.
–Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Daniel
Lady: Geez, what an adventure, huh? I mean, “grande ensalada”? I had no idea what I’d ordered until it came to the table!
–55th & Madison
Overheard by: Heather
Hobo: She eats the cole slawwww. She likes the Pepsi, not the Coke!
–Borough Park
Russian lady: How many times do I have to tell you? Puerto Ricans don’t eat tacos.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Jonathan
Man: We have to stop here so I can eat. If we keep walking, I can’t eat in the rain.
–23rd & Madison
Woman: It’s spiritual. I only eat yak.
–11th & A
Overheard by: Lisa D
Girl on cell: OK, well, get me as many cans of tuna as you can possibly carry.
–Washington Square & East 4th
Senior VP on phone: No, you can’t order Chilean sea bass anymore! They’re all bred artificially in ponds. The real ones are going extinct out of sheer deliciousness.
–Madison Avenue office
Woman: It’s too hot today for Indian food. Well unless, you know, you’re Indian.
–17th & Park
Overheard by: Robyn
Girl: …and I was crying! Because he told me I was so ugly. But then he said he was just being honest…
–9th Street & 2nd Avenue
Overheard by: Domi
Guy: Hey Dave, remember the last time we were here, that security guard came up to you and asked if you needed medical attention because he assumed you got hit in the mouth with a baseball?
–Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Michael Bull
Cop: You couldn’t suck hard enough to give her a hickey. All the stubble broke the suction.
–30th & 7th
Teenage boy: Honestly! Why would anyone put spermicide on their face?
–Bank Street
Overheard by: Jon Gordon
Mother: I can’t believe you like how Robin’s face looks. It doesn’t look like she’s wearing any makeup! She needs to wear makeup.
–Sephora, 5th Avenue
Chick: This is the same boy who used to lick champagne massage oil off of my naked tits, and now he’s writing three page long internet odes to Ronald Reagan?
–171st & Broadway
Overheard by: Djlindee
Girl: Man if I had money, I’d be a classy bitch!
–Mona’s, Avenue B
Overheard by: Simon Mason
Guy on cell: I smoke weed, work, go to school, and fuck bitches. That’s what I do, man.
–18th between 5th and 6th
Guy: I got a great e-mail from my friend the other day. It said, “Let’s steal something. Call me.”
–Old Town Bar, 18th Street
Overheard by: LMF
Chick: It’s amazing how much more tip you’ll get if you let them fondle your nipples for a little.
–Soho party
Suit: You tell him I don’t spend $4 million on a piece of shit! You tell him to shut the fuck up…in a nice way.
–38th & 7th
Overheard by: Krados
Man on cell: Fuck you! I have a website you can go to, it’s called www.getbitchslappedyoufuckingbitch.com. Or how about www.fuckthisshityoufuckingwhore.net.com?
–54th between 8th & Broadway
Mom: Come on now, we going outside, you can do it there, OK?…He was gonna pee-pee right here on the step. Fuck that!
–137th Street station
Overheard by: Amanda Nazario
Hipster: I have so many friends in their 20s who are still virgins! Is “virgin” the new pink?
–6 train
Hobo: Listen up! I’m not here to beg or ask for money. I’m here to tell you that a flashlight like this one could save your life. There are no promises! Be prepared! Always carry a flashlight and water!
–6 train
Girlfriend: …and no more talking about economics when you are inside of me…
–6 train
Overheard by: A
Hipster girl: She asked me, “Like, when you give your grandmother a bath, do you use bleach?”
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Jeremy Dawson
White girl: I know, right? If I’m gonna get fucked over, it’s gonna be by a genuine asshole, not by some pussy-ass white boy who’s not even good in bed.
–Williamsburg
Woman on cell: …is it wrong that I just kind of want to shit all over her whenever she mentions something good happening in her life?
–Bedford Avenue station
Man: All I ever want to do is hang around my apartment. Nekkid. With money taped all over me.
–Montrose Avenue station
Overheard by: K.M.
