Man: I love these chairs out here.
Guy at next table: I hate these chairs out here.
Man: Butt the fuck out of my conversation.
Guy at next table: Shut up, I just got back here. I got my ass blown off in Iraq.
–Max Restaurant, 4th St & Ave B
Man: I love these chairs out here.
Guy at next table: I hate these chairs out here.
Man: Butt the fuck out of my conversation.
Guy at next table: Shut up, I just got back here. I got my ass blown off in Iraq.
–Max Restaurant, 4th St & Ave B
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?
–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
–45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…
–Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!
–NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
–Columbia University
JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything — I even made out with a few the other night — but I am not going to Outback.
–Spring St
Overheard by: Jason
JAP on cell: And I was like, ‘Have you been in the new building yet?’ And he was like, ‘I know, it’s a maze.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!’ And he was like, ‘Um, no… I mean, like, a… maze.’
–Bryant Park
JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lisa
20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! … But I don’t want to call him! Why can’t you just call him for me? I’m not calling him! … But my asshole is still bleeding!
–Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway
JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, ‘No, but thanks for noticing!’ He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.
–88th & Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Girl #1: So I hear you’re single again.
Girl #2: Yeah, it’s great. I can stop shaving my ass!
–Outside Starbucks, Times Square
Headline by: Marsha Mellow
Runners-Up:
· “Donkey Breathes Sigh of Relief” – Mike Curry
· “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Shorn” – Adrianne
· “It was the happiest day of Mother Teresa’s life.” – Dave
· “Oh, good, Oprah is back on the market!” – Anna
· “So easy, even a caveman can do it!” – waxes!
· “When she’s dating again she’ll cut it all off and donate it to cancer victims” – Peter B
· “You’re Not Gonna Stop Shaving Mine, Are You?” – Trey Jackson
Ghetto guy #1: That broad last night was a dude, man.
Ghetto guy #2: Nah, yo, she was fine.
Ghetto guy #1: Yo, nigga, you was making out with a man.
Ghetto guy #2: She had a fine ass, though.
Ghetto guy #1: It was a man, yo!
Ghetto guy #2: I ain’t gay though, right?
–E train, 53rd & Lex
Overheard by: Tina B=Tits McGee
Cashier: Girl, will you take over for me? I need a break.
Employee: What for?
Cashier: I gotta go scratch my booty.
–Gristedes on W 4th St
Guy: But I have to say that 93% of the time I smell good.
–West Building, Hunter College
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Butch lesbian: Damn, now that’s the stank I’m talkin’ about. It smells like ass in here!
–Lexington/51St subway station
Girl on cell: Ok, I’ll meet you for coffee, but I need to stop and get some deodorant, because apparently, according to my entire Spanish class, I stink.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: keeping my distance
Ghetto girl: Tanise, what kind of funk are tryin’ to hide with that stink?
–42nd & 8th Avenue
Overheard by: Lauri
Ghetto Girl: If my pussy stank I’d kill myself. My pussy ain’t never stank.
–1 train
Overheard by: Josh H
Little boy: You smell like piss!
–Medieval Festival, Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Jenny
Yuppie woman: He’s 14! That’s old enough to recognize the smell of burning human flesh!
–Broadway, between 11th St & 12th St
Overheard by: Are We There Yet?
Thug #1: Yo, I heard some shit about they got sperm samples of scientists from the 1950s stored underneath the ice skating rink.
Thug #2: Oh shit, look at that bitch’s ass over by the flags.
Thug #1: Damn.
–Rockefeller center
Overheard by: Nado
Mom: Zacky! Where your ass at?
Small boy: Nowhere.
Mom: Yeah it is!
–Times Square
Building engineer #1, watching pretty girl disembark: Pretty girl.
Building engineer #2: Very pretty.
Building engineer #1: You know, I would eat a pile of shit to get to that ass.
–Elevator, 130 Liberty St
