Man #1: Yo, man! Get your ass out of my face! I ain’t no faggot.
Man #2, bent over: I’m sorry.
Man #1: I oughta put my shoe up your ass.
Man #2: I’m sorry.
Man #1: What, you didn’t see me sitting here? I don’t want your ass in my face.
Man #2: I’m sorry.
Man #1: No, you’re not.
Man #2: No, I really am sorry. I apologize. I’m sorry [quickly disembarks at next stop].
Man #1: Did you see that? I ain’t no fag.
–4 train
Cop to old lady with walker: Excuse me, miss, do you have a license and insurance for that thing?
–57th St
Overheard by: jesse
Black teen to fellow commuter: So, I get off the train and I find this cop. He says to me, ‘Do I know you?’ ‘No, man.’ Then he asks, ‘Haven’t I arrested you before?’ And I say, ‘Nigga, please! No!’
–E train near W 4th St
Mounted police officer holding a pay phone and sobbing: Please, Mom, I’ll do anything!
–8th & 5th
Overheard by: jewish girl
Professor, about police sirens blaring outside: They’re playing our song.
–Columbia University
Large black lady hissing about a police dog sniffing and following black guy: That dog be racial profilin’! He’s a racist! That cop dog’s a racist!
–Subway station, Times Square
Chick to cop writing ticket, standing next to the naked cowboy: Can you give him a ticket for having a bubble butt?
–Times Square
Overheard by: knipc
Guy #1: Yeah, she got a fat ass.
Guy #2: Really? No, I don’t think she got a fat ass.
Guy #1: Okay, she got a medium-sized ass.
Guy #2: Okay. Medium.
Guy #3: Yeah, medium.
Guy #2: Okay, who else got a nice ass?
–B44 bus, Nostrand & Fulton
Overheard by: naseem
Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo’ dick right now.
–Dense crowd, 4th & 6th
Overheard by: jealous?
Guy to friends: I’m not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.
–26th & 8th
Large black man: I’m grabbin’ booties, so all y’all better move outta my way!
–37th & 7th
Overheard by: daniel
Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an’ call me Mary Poppins…
–85th & 2nd
Overheard by: Mitorizu
Dude: My ass likes to eat things.
–76th & Broadway
Overheard by: Hew, the bird
Suit: Now there’s an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!
–Time Square
Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don’t show your butts to men — cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.
–6 train
Overheard by: Zavreio
Woman to friend: Hey, you know, this is where that lesbian touched my ass!
–W 3rd Ave & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Sakura
Chick on cell: We’re, like, the best pseudo-lesbian couple who send out erotic postcards in the world. And you can quote me on that, missy!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Man wearing rainbow wig and playing a ukulele: This next song is dedicated to all the fathers out there who play with their children and take them places. To the fathers who don’t — the lesbians have a point.
–In line for Statue of Liberty
Overheard by: Stas
Nine-year-old boy: I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian…
–Central Park
Girl showing necklace to friend: You’re a raging dyke! Would you wear this?
–Canal & Church St
Overheard by: NYCDoll
White teen: You’ve got a fat ass.
Black teen: Well, your ass has a stupid, scrawny bitch stuck to it.
–Times Square
Man: I love these chairs out here.
Guy at next table: I hate these chairs out here.
Man: Butt the fuck out of my conversation.
Guy at next table: Shut up, I just got back here. I got my ass blown off in Iraq.
–Max Restaurant, 4th St & Ave B
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?
–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
–45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…
–Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!
–NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
–Columbia University
JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything — I even made out with a few the other night — but I am not going to Outback.
–Spring St
Overheard by: Jason
JAP on cell: And I was like, ‘Have you been in the new building yet?’ And he was like, ‘I know, it’s a maze.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!’ And he was like, ‘Um, no… I mean, like, a… maze.’
–Bryant Park
JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lisa
20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! … But I don’t want to call him! Why can’t you just call him for me? I’m not calling him! … But my asshole is still bleeding!
–Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway
JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, ‘No, but thanks for noticing!’ He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.
–88th & Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Girl #1: So I hear you’re single again.
Girl #2: Yeah, it’s great. I can stop shaving my ass!
–Outside Starbucks, Times Square
Headline by: Marsha Mellow
Runners-Up:
· “Donkey Breathes Sigh of Relief” – Mike Curry
· “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Shorn” – Adrianne
· “It was the happiest day of Mother Teresa’s life.” – Dave
· “Oh, good, Oprah is back on the market!” – Anna
· “So easy, even a caveman can do it!” – waxes!
· “When she’s dating again she’ll cut it all off and donate it to cancer victims” – Peter B
· “You’re Not Gonna Stop Shaving Mine, Are You?” – Trey Jackson
