Wednesday One-Liners Keep K-Y in Business

Man on cell, playfully: Who are you? Who are you? Why are you in my house? Who are you? Where’s my wife? If I come home and you’re still there, I’m going to stick a hot sausage up there… A hot sausage up there! And a hot dog up your butthole. A hot sausage up there and a hot dog on the other side, and we’ll see who gets which one first.

–President & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Chick: I don’t know how much further up his ass I need to be. I mean, I’m already really far up his ass already…

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Alan

Hipster girl: … And then he had his finger up my boyfriend’s asshole!

–Cargo Cafe, Staten Island

Student: If a steak comes out of your butt, I’ll worship you. Screw school — you can just win bets by betting on whether a steak will come out of your butt. Just put a towel and move it away and be, like, ‘Ta-da!’

–CCNY

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on August 29, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

From A Field Guide to North American Beauty Standards

Man: I’m trying to work out to drop some weight.
Lady: Yeah, my girlfriend and I been goin’ to the gym to make our booties clap.
Man: Aw, yeah?
Lady: You know, makin’ em clap, gettin’ ’em right.
Man: Yeah, like, I seen this girl on TV — I think her name is Tastee…
Lady: That girl from Flavor of Love?
Man: No, not Toastee — like, a real girl, named Tastee. Her booty makes a sound like [claps his hands loudly three times]. It, like, smacks itself.
Lady: Damn.

–Rite Aid, Grand & Clinton

Overheard by: Beth P.

Posted on July 17, 2007
Ass, Diet/Weight, Girls, Guys, Lower East Side

The View Isn’t Much Different from Up Here, Lady

Old lady in wheelchair: Where are we going?!
Middle-aged son: Don’t worry, we’re getting there.
Old lady in wheelchair: All I can see is asses!

–Subway station, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: meeples

Posted on July 13, 2007
Ass, Gripes, Old People, Yankee Stadium

Like an Explosion in a Vat of Cottage Cheese

50-ish woman: … And the chaps covered his front, but his whole backside was out for the world to see.
20-ish woman: Oooh!
50-ish woman: No, honey. There was no ‘Oooh’ about it.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Posted on July 7, 2007
Ass, Clothing, Comebacks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

That Was Probably the Drugs Taped to My Butt

Woman #1: You aren’t wearing stockings?
Woman #2: I would have a serious problem putting on lotion if I was.
Woman #1: Wow, you have a real tight ass. I could have sworn you were wearing stockings when I was patting down your ass this morning.

–LIRR

Posted on July 6, 2007
Ass, Clothing, Trains Not Subway, Women

Unlicensed Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to screaming child: Now, honey, I want you to be yourself, just not to everyone.

–3rd St & Ave B

Overheard by: amanda

British mum to eight-year-old son: Bobby, stop looking at the bloody NASDAQ.

–Outside Toys ‘R’ Us

Loud lady to son: Go stand in line behind that Mexican man! Don’t let him intimidate you!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: jenmo

Dad to baby in stroller: Did you know that the price of copper is becoming irrelevant?!

–31st & Ditmars, Astoria

Overheard by: Scarfish

Father to young son: Why are you putting your butt on me?

–Brooklyn Industries, 9th & 7th

Man to son: Don’t you tell me to shut up! I just bought you a bunch of Star Wars toys!

–Macy’s

Posted on July 4, 2007
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Ass, Business and Commerce, Gifts, Global Geography, Kids, Money & Class, Parents, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Wednesday Blood-Liners

British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.

–1 train

Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!

–Bronx Science engineering class

Overheard by: LSB

Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?

–41st & Broadway

Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.

–1 train

Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Ashley

Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: still recovering

Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Oh My God