Wednesday One-Liners Hope It’s Just Ketchup

Worried suit: Oh, good. I was hoping you would call. Uh yes…I’ve had bloody stool twice in the past two weeks… Yes, the blood is around it…I don’t know. What do you advise?

–McGraw-Hill Building, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: HELP! I’m in the cube across from him

Woman to male companion: I don’t give a shit about no fucking white people, they can suck my bloody pussy. My shit is all bloody and nasty, but I changed my drawers and shit. At least I don’t just rinse it out and hang it in front of a fan…

–G Train

One-eyed Armenian worker, pointing to sample bottle of Vampire wine: Would you like a taste of this wine? It’s half blood, but only the blood of pretty girls, I only drink pretty girls.

–Liquor Store, 10th St & 2nd Ave

MTA cop to blood drive employee: You want blood? I’ll give you blood. Just not from my arm, if you know what I mean.

–Penn Station

Bro: If it looks like blood, it coagulates like blood.

–6 Train

Girl on cell: How was Vicky’s sweet 16? [couple of seconds later] Was the blood from your nose or your ass?

–36th St & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Cody

Posted on August 29, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Astoria, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Buildings, Celebrations/Parties, Cops, Creepsters, Girls, Illness, Insults, Medicine, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Questions, Race, Rockefeller Center, Science, Sexuality, Store, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Weirdness, Women

Complete with the “Experimenting”

Cop: All right guy, you have two options–
Old man: Let me guess, you gonna lock me up? Man, I go to jail like summer camp.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Toon

Posted on August 26, 2014
Cops, Old People, Prison, Threats, Times Square

He Got Served…Literally!

Cop: Excuse me sir, did you drop this Metrocard?
Asian guy: Oh thank you so much, I’ve been looking for it all over the place!
Cop: You littered. Here’s your ticket.

–Kew Gardens station

Overheard by: Ting

Posted on August 23, 2014
Asians, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Subway Stations

Wednesday One-Liners for Hezbollah

Officer to old lady: Hey, don't leave you bag on the floor, there are terrorist everywhere.

–45th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: StriderNo9

Suit on cell: So you're gonna vote for a Muslim and a terrorist?

–MoMA

Hipster to friend: Yeah, terrorists totally love Bush.

–46th and 9th

Overheard by: choosing not to capitalize the B

Tourist: Are you guys terrorists?

–Rally for Gaza, 42nd & 7th

Overheard by: ooga booga

Loud black queer teen: But his best joke was like "What do you call people who hate ketchup?" (no response) "Al-Qaeda!" (bursts out laughing) Get it? It's funny because they don't have ketchup in Iraq!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ketchup lover

Posted on August 17, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cops, Friends, Hipsters, Iraq, Junk Food & Fast Food, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, MoMA, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Paranoia, President, Queers, Questions, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Teens, Terrorism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

We Take What We Want, And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It

Tourist: Are you selling those?
Guy with fake handbags: Of course not! We’re the police.

–Church & Fulton

Posted on August 11, 2014
Cops, Fashion, Money & Class, Shopping, Stupidity, Tourists, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

If Your Finances Are in the Black

Chick: Why did you move my beverage to the floor?
Woman #1: You’re not supposed to have drinks on the train. Especially not on the seats.
College chick: It’s not going to spill. Are you a cop?
Woman #1: No, I’m a taxpayer.
Chick: So am I. I have rights, too.
Woman #1: Yeah, I’m a cop.
Woman #2: Can you be a taxpayer and a cop?

–1 train

Posted on August 9, 2014
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Food, Money & Class, On the Subway, People, Places, Topics, Women

What A Charming Young Gentleman

Urban Youth: Fuck you, you fat fucking fucks! Motherfucking cops. Suck a fucking dick! All society. They show no respect, then they get mad when we don’t show any. Say we’re mad animals. Try to shut the door on purpose when they see me coming. Suck mad cocks!

–D Train

Posted on August 5, 2014
Assholes, Cops, On the Subway

God Bless the ACLU

Cop: Come on, you’re coming with me.
Educated youth: Naw, man! I got my third right amendment! My third right amendment!

[“No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”]

–42nd & 7th