Dispatcher on police scanner: A subject was just robbed at gunpoint by a black male wearing no clothing.
Cop #1: Can we get a clothing description?
Cop #2, after silence: Just look for a naked man with a gun.

News Station
Jackson, Mississippi

Police officer: So that's when they started pulling baseball bats out of their pants?
Guy: Yeah, baseball bats and machetes!

Tysons Corner
Fairfax County, Virginia

Overheard by: Jack

Policeman opening doors of Social Security office: Before I let you in, does anyone have any weapons?
Tiny old lady jumping the queue: Just my fist!

Wilkesboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Jen

Drunk (just thrown out): I bet if had really big boobs you'd let me back in.
Cop working security for the club: No, actually we wouldn't.
Drunk: What, you don't like big boobs?
Cop: Not on dudes.
Drunk: Huh? No, I mean if I was a chick.
Cop: You'd make a really ugly chick.
Drunk: Huh?
Cop: Get the fuck out of here.

Scottsdale, Arizona

Guy: That motherfucking cop has driven past here twice in the last fifteen minutes.
Cop (on car’s loudspeaker): I’m not a motherfucker.

University of Georgia
Athens, Georgia

Overheard by: Anne

Police officer to college girls: It turns out there was a midget in the closet.

Downtown Palo Alto, California

Security guard to girls who set off alarms: It’s okay. Sometimes I steal things, too.

Boston, Massachusetts

Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can’t get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running… No, don’t go in the water. You won’t make it across. No, don’t– Yeah, it’s fucking cold, isn’t it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!

American River Parkway
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Ree