Be a Good Sport, Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, on loudspeaker: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watching the Super Bowl only for the commercials. The Giants are going to be so far ahead of… the other team… it’ll be a boring game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the commercials are going to be great!

–A train

Overheard by: love this conductor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black basketball players are better than white ones? Because Jesus was black, so they’re like Jesus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Super Bowl! Super bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Super Bowl’? Didn’t you ever think about how stupid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: Theresa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cowboys game without the cheerleaders. There go half the male ticket holders.

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Guy who is clearly not Eli Manning: What do I do? My name is Eli Manning, and I play for the New York Giants.

–Upper West Side

Guy randomly wipes out on the sidewalk, flat on his stomach with arms stretched out in front of him. Everyone stares.

Nearby cop: Safe!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Bananaphone

Posted on December 8, 2020
Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Cops, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Girls, Glad the Condom Broke, Gripes, Hobos, Kids, On the Subway, Penn Station, Race, Sports, Teens, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

About Last Night

Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don’t have to. It’s free today. Tomorrow, New Year’s Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don’t know. They pay me to.

–UWS

Posted on December 3, 2020
Cops, Holidays, Money & Class, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Next Time Impede the Investigation in Finnish

[Patrol car flashing lights at curb. Small group of high-schoolers corralled against wall]Police officer: So what happened –what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo inglés.
Officer, in perfect Spanish: Entonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo español!

–85th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Christopher Stone

Posted on August 20, 2020
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Language Barrier, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Questions, Teens

But That Gear Shaft Totally Consented

Drunk middle-aged woman #1: Yeah, but I don't think…
Drunk middle-aged woman #2: The cops in the state of New Jersey all have computers in their cars. They pulled him over, and he wasn't even doing anything!
Drunk middle-aged man #1: Well, what did they say to you?
Drunk middle-aged man #2: They said I was driving erotically.

–NJ Transit

Posted on July 4, 2020
Cars and Driving, Computer, Cops, Default, Drunks, Ew, Jersey, Men, Questions, Sexuality, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Women

The Unbearable Lightness Of Wednesday One-Liners

Rastafarian man to white basketball female player with dreads: Hey! Why you white people always trying to look like me!

–Union Square

Black guy selling Empire State Building tickets: You're from Scotland? I love the Scots… They're puuuuuuurrreee white!

–Outside Empire State Building

Black woman to another, about frat guys nearby: Man, white people are so loud.

–109th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Becks

Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neighborhood with your white crotch! You don't belong here!

–Upper West Side

Black woman to cops walking away: But I'm a Caucasian!

–Bed-Stuy

Posted on May 13, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Athletes, Black People, Brooklyn, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Empire State Building, Frat Boys, Hair, Hobos, One-liners, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Questions, Race, Street, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, White People, Women

With the Additional Smartass Fee, Maybe They'll Spring for Bread

Driver: You couldn't just give me a warning, huh? This ticket make your quota for you?
Female cop: Why, yes, yes it does! Now I get a free toaster from the city paid with your fine there!

–Parsons & 79th, Queens

Overheard by: Fly on the Wall

Posted on January 5, 2020
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Queens, Questions, Women

Ow! Nice Cuffs, Though

Man in knit hat, dirty shirt, and hoodie exiting elevator: Yo, what you supposed to be, a cowboy?
Guy in cowboy hat and fringe jacket: Yeah, that’s right!
Man: Well, guess what — I’m a thug! Ha! [Turns to police officer standing nearby] And what about you, you supposed to be a cop? That’s a shit costume!

–DeKalb & Flatbush

Overheard by: Johnny Tremaine

Posted on December 22, 2019
Cops, Thugs, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Aw, It’s Just the President

Tourist #1 seeing police cars: Dude, what’s going on?
Tourist #2: I don’t know, but I want to find out. Like, is someone dead, or is Mariah Carey coming?

–105th & Central Park West

Posted on December 6, 2019
About Celebrities, Cops, Death, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Or Worse, in Grease 2

Man to cop: But if I shoot and kill someone in my home, it's no problem, right?
Cop: No problem here; but you might have a problem in Greece.

–30th Ave & 31st St

Overheard by: venniblue

Posted on November 23, 2019
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Men, Murder, Queens, Shoot

And That Was When Fat Albert Went Straight

Five thugs ascending subway steps see cop on the street: Ho! The pigs! Oink! Busted! [They run and one starts breathing heavily, wheezing.]Cop: Maybe you should have taken the elevator.
Fat thug: Shit! There’s an elevator?! Where’s the elevator?! [After they all go to look for the elevator] There’s no elevator! He tricked us!

–Lorimer St, Brooklyn

Posted on October 24, 2019
Brooklyn, Cops, Diet/Weight, Gangstas, Thugs

Cops