Customers

Guy: Yeah, these Speedos won’t work for me. My dick’s too big for them. They never fit right.
Shopgirl: I’ve never seen a customer with that problem. Let’s see what else fits your.. you.

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Headline by: jgordon

Runners-Up:
· “A cock and bull story” – Guy

· “Finally, it matters.” – Ben Allaire

· “Try to contain yourself” – Jenny

· “We’ll just ignore the fact that your ass is too big for them, too” – Silvyr


· “Talk about a suspicious package…” – girlhattan

· “Clerks III: Bigger, Longer, Uncut” – JB

· “Everybody Wants to Fit In” – Dave Barnette

· “Pop Goes The Weasel” – Paul

· “He has the same problem with hats” – Kendal

· “If she keeps talking like that, they’ll fit even worse.” – bill

· “Quite a Pickle” – Dave Barnette

· “Speedon’t” – Sean McGurr

· “Too big for his britches” – suzie g

· “I am one size fits all” – twosko

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Guy: I’m looking for something Onassis-like.
Salesgirl: Jackie or Ari?

–Sunglass Hut, Spring & W Broadway

Overheard by: Bette Davis Eyes

Customer: I’m not really much of a meateater. What would you recommend?
Waiter: Another restaurant.

–Peter Luger Steakhouse, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Girl: I mean, I never want to get married. Like… never. But I really want babies. So I guess I’m just going to have a bastard.

–Marquet Cafe, 15 East 12th St

Overheard by: Grace

Girl: How much is the water?
Newstand guy: $1.25. Do you want a bag?
Girl: No thanks.
Newstand guy: What about a straw?
Girl: No.
Newstand guy: How about me?

–E 68th & 3rd ave

Dude: Do you guys sell bling?
Store guy: All the way in the back, under the skeleton pimp.

–Halloween Adventure, 4th Avenue

Overheard by: Hank Luxford

Man: Oh my god, there’s a spider in my salad.
Woman: What? That’s not a spider.
Man: Well, it’s either a spider or four pubic hairs tied together in a knot, neither of which I am willing to consume.

–T.G.I. Friday’s, East 42nd Street

Overheard by: StephGold

A chick been caught stealing by security. For some inexplicable reason, they let her yell at them.

Chick: This is not the United States of White-ass Bitches; this is the United States of America.

Chick: I’m owed this shirt because I’m black, bitches. I don’t owe nothin’ to you white folks. I’m owed this shirt because of slavery.

–Banana Republic, Broadway & Prince

Overheard by: helen r.

Checkout lady: School supplies? You gotta buy this in September, not December!
Chick: I know, but my little cousins want school supplies for Christmas, they wanna play teacher. I’m just following orders.
Checkout lady: Christmas?
Chick: Yeah, Christmas, it’s a gift.
Checkout lady: What about Hanukkah?
Chick: What about it?
Checkout lady: You ever heard of it?
Chick: Yeah, but these are a Christmas gift.
Checkout lady: You Jewish? Which half?
Chick: Only the good half.

Checkout lady: You a teacher?
Chick: No, a librarian.
Checkout lady: You look too young to have finished college. How old are you? Twenty?
Chick: No, I finished college.
Checkout lady: You eighteen?
Chick: No, I’m twenty-three.
Checkout lady: Oh. You gotta get married, then.

–K-Mart, Staten Island

Overheard by: Becka Dash

Guy: I looked for that Sopranos DVD set in the section you told me to, but it wasn’t there.
Store guy: Well, the computer says it’s in stock. But that’s one of our most shoplifted items.

–Borders, Time Warner Center