Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I’ll buy you a drink.
Sober girl: No, thanks. There’s a five dollar cover.
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I’ll give you five dollars.
Sober girl: I don’t dance.
Drunk guy: I think you’re hot.
Sober girl: I’m sorry…Watch out. You’re setting yourself on fire.
Drunk guy: I’m on fire for you, baby!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: djlindee
Drunk guy: Don’t you fuck with me!
Sober woman: What?
Drunk guy: You sleep with a different guy every night!
Sober woman: I do not. What are you talking about?
Drunk guy: You love…me. You want to marry…me.
Sober woman: This is ridiculous. I’ve had enough. I don’t have to take this anymore. Goodbye!
She leaves. He turns to the next table.
Drunk guy: Yeah, did you see that girl who just left? I just dumped her. Can I buy you two a drink?
–Rosie O’Grady’s, 7th Avenue
Drunk chick #1: I have the best blind date story ever.
Drunk chick #2: Oh yeah?
Drunk chick #1: My sister’s friend flew from Australia to LA for a blind date, and she ended up flying to Aruba with the guy and marrying him like a week later.
Drunk chick #2: Wow. That’s awesome!
Drunk chick #1: But I think she was just, like, 35 and desperate to get married.
–Bleecker & Sullivan
Overheard by: djlindee
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo.
–6 train
Guy: He’s the biggest fucking asshole I ever met.
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: No, I’m serious. He’s the biggest fucking asshole in existence. The biggest–
Chick: –fucking asshole–
Guy: –I ever seen. Biggest. Biggest fucking–
Chick: –asshole. I got it.
Guy: And I gave that fucker $500 to make payments on his debt, and he doesn’t listen to word I say. And I gave his daughter something–
Chick: Herpes?
Guy: Shut the fuck up. Besides that. I gave his daughter…Hey, you gonna drink that? You throwin’ that away? You don’t throw away beer!
Chick: It’s all backwash.
Guy: Give it to me.
Chick: You’re disgusting.
Guy: Don’t fucking talk to me like that.
Chick: Or you’ll give me herpes?
Guy: Not yet. But just wait.
Chick: Don’t you dare even try to touch me. Let’s go get some smoothies.
Guy: I could use a fucking smoothie.
Chick: You’re paying.
Guy: Shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch.
–Original California Taqueria, Cobble Hill
Woman #1: He stepped on my foot!…He stepped on my foot!…Excuse me, you stepped on my foot.
Guy: Yeah, I know I did. You dropped that bottle on my foot.
Woman #2: It was an accident…
Woman #1: Don’t you see that my bag had a hole in it? It was an accident.
Guy: No, it wasn’t.
Woman #1: Oh yes, I did it deliberately.
Guy: That’s right you did.
Woman #1: Oh I’m so sorry I woke you from your precious sleep
Guy: Yeah, that’s right.
–B train
A suit on his cell accidentally bumps into a drunk girl on the LIRR platform.
Drunk girl: Why don’t you say “excuse me!” What the fuck? Just say “excuse me!”.
He ignores her and continues to talk on his cell. The drunk girl dumps a cup of water on his crotch. He doesn’t flinch.
Drunk girl: Yeah, bitch! Next time say “excuse me”, and maybe your crotch won’t be wet!
He finishes his conversation and gets on the train.
–Penn Station
Mixed guy: Getchoo elbow out my chest, man!
White man: Eh, I’m just holding onto the rail; it’s a packed train.
Mixed guy: Yeah, but why you got to be all up in my chest like that? Got you elbow in my chest!
White man: Well, does it even hurt?
Mixed guy: Yes. Why else would I even mention it? Respect my chest. Faggoty ass motherfucker. I gonna get the police all up in this shit, you motherfucking…respect my chest.
Irish guy: Shut up, yeh prick!
–1 train
Overheard by: Marguerite Carter
Drunk girl: Oh my god, I look like an 85 year old man.
Buzzed girl: Yeah, I was just about to say that.
–Rosie O’Grady’s ladies’ room, 7th Avenue
Overheard by: Rachel Lovinger
Guy #1: You talk about cock more than girls I know who suck it every weekend.
Guy #2: Um, are you insinuating that I’m gay?
Guy #1: I don’t need to insinuwait anything.
Guy #3: You’re both gay.
Guy #1: Suck my cock, bitch.
–79th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: AChest
Drunk guy: Let me ask you something…What are the chances that you’ll let me take you home and blow you?
Sober guy: Not very likely.
Drunk guy: See, it’s just that my girlfriend is out of town and I really want to suck you off.
Sober guy: Um. No.
–75th & Columbus
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, you have camel toe!
Drunk girl #2: Why are you looking at my pussy?
–2nd Avenue between 7th & St Marks
Drunk woman: They’re married, those two are together, you and I are alone and it sucks, so get over it!
–Carmine’s, West 44th Street
Overheard by: Emily
Drunk teen girl #1: We both really need to stop drinking, you’re drinking three times a week now.”
Drunk teen girl #2: Yeah, well, there’s nothing better to do around here.
Drunk teen girl #1: You’re turning into an alky.
Drunk teen girl #2: I’m not an alcoholist!
–J train
Overheard by: christina
