Old-lady candy-pusher: I be sellin’ candy for the school. I have M&Ms and Jujyfruits and Almond Joy with and without the nuts.
Drunken gay guy: Nobody wants your candy. It probably has razor blades in it and shit. Just go away.
Old-lady candy-pusher: Look at you talkin’. You are the anti man!
–downtown 2 train
Overheard by: Stefanie
Drunk white man: Hey, sir. “Knish” is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled “knish” wrong, and I’ve told you guys before and it still hasn’t been fixed. Look, buddy, I’ve come in here ten times in the last week. I’ve told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.
Drunk white man storms out.
Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It’s knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by “the Jews” he means himself.
–Organic food store, 19th & 3rd
Overheard by: Boo Radley
Barfly: It was a term of endearment.
Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face.
–2×4, 2nd Ave & 4th St
Overheard by: Cait O’Connor (and Foley)
Headline by: Dave Barnette
Runners-Up:
· “And Assault Isn’t A Spice, Either” – Kathy
· “Aww, you just feel left out.” – Alaine
· “He Said He Wanted Another Hit” – Playtah
· “He’s playing hard to get” – Jeri Rosenblum
· “C’mon, it’s not like she was pregnant…” – laura c
· “It doesn’t count if you don’t leave a mark.” – Scott
· “Welcome to New York” – shorty
· “Another dropout from the school of hard knocks” – jm
· “Barflies Mate Every 48 Hours” – red
· “No, That’s a Term of Three To Ten” – Boyhowdy
· “Dad has a lot of explaining to do” – Mr. Uncreative
· “For endearment, you tend to go for the groin” – ruth
· “Tyler Durden: The Final Years” – Mr. Nobody
· “Punchline” – Robert Katz
Drunk guy: It doesn’t mean anything! It’s just green paper! It doesn’t mean anything!
Woman #1: Then why don’t you throw it out?
Drunk guy: Fine! [Throws bill onto subway tracks] If it means so much to you, why don’t you go get it?
Woman #1: Yo, that was five-dollar bill!
Woman #2: For reals?
Train comes and passes.
Drunk guy: Hey, it’s gone. ..Where’s my money?
–Franklin St station
Overheard by: Melissa Coppola
Conductor #1: If you are traveling with small child, the elderly, or the intoxicated, be sure to take them by the hand as there is a large gap between the train and the station platform.
Conductor #2: Dude, shut up.
Conductor #1: Roger that.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: One of the intoxicated
Drunk girl: I wish you were straight.
Gay guy holding her up: Honey, I knew I was gay when I was born during General Hospital.
–53rd & 9th
Overheard by: Ciara DiSeta
Drunk guy: you’re not taking money out, you’re taking each other out!
Pair of fruitfucks!
–15th & 8th
Drunk guy: What is this, some sort of sausage fest in here or something?
–The Park men’s room, 10th Avenue
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I’ll buy you a drink.
Sober girl: No, thanks. There’s a five dollar cover.
Drunk guy: If you come in and dance with me, I’ll give you five dollars.
Sober girl: I don’t dance.
Drunk guy: I think you’re hot.
Sober girl: I’m sorry…Watch out. You’re setting yourself on fire.
Drunk guy: I’m on fire for you, baby!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: djlindee
Drunk guy: Don’t you fuck with me!
Sober woman: What?
Drunk guy: You sleep with a different guy every night!
Sober woman: I do not. What are you talking about?
Drunk guy: You love…me. You want to marry…me.
Sober woman: This is ridiculous. I’ve had enough. I don’t have to take this anymore. Goodbye!
She leaves. He turns to the next table.
Drunk guy: Yeah, did you see that girl who just left? I just dumped her. Can I buy you two a drink?
–Rosie O’Grady’s, 7th Avenue
