Food

Almost the Platonic Archetype

Chick #1 perusing lunch specials: God, that is so guh-ross!
Chick #2: What now?
Chick #1: That bloody roast beef thing right there… All of that red meat… It’s the flesh of animals! It’s so cruel and it makes me sick. I’m a total vegan these days.
Chick #2: Huh. Wait, didn’t you have a bacon and egg sandwich this morning?
Chick #1, haughtily: Yeah, but that’s not the actual flesh of any animal, now is it?
Chick #2: Wow. You are the first real idiot I’ve ever met.

–Cafe Europa, 6th Ave

Overheard by: BellaStella

Glad We Got That Out of the Way

Chinese mother holding plate of free rice: Do you like rice, girls?
Little girls: Of course we like rice, we’re Chinese!
Chinese mother: I know you’re Chinese. I am Chinese, too.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Non-Chinese Rice-Lover

Practicing for a First Marriage

Chick #1: Should I get the soup or the tuna?
Chick #2: You’ll like the soup for sure… Get the tuna.

–Perry St

Best I Can Do Is Hold It in My Armpit

Patron: I’d like a grilled special.
Waiter: We don’t grill ’em.
Patron: Yes, you do. I had one last week.
Waiter: You got lucky.

–Katz’s Deli, Houston

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

All Part of the Service, Ma’am

PMS-y woman: I can’t believe you’re out of the mac and cheese!
Employee: I’m sorry, ma’am. Can I get you something else?
PMS-y woman: Why do you hate me?

–Hale & Hearty, 49th St

Overheard by: wanted the mac & cheese too

It’s the Separate Knives




(link)

Crazy-haired woman: There’s lots of elderly people around here.
Lady: Well, it’s life.
Crazy-haired woman: Yes, but specifically in the San Fernando Valley.
Lady: Mmm-hmmm.
Crazy-haired woman: Where are you from?
Lady: New York.
Crazy-haired woman: You must be Jewish or Italian — which?
Lady: I’m Jewish.
Crazy-haired woman: Oh, the best people and the best meat.
Lady: Excuse me?
Crazy-haired woman: The Jews — they’re the best people and the best meat.

–Pharmacy

And No Eyeliner on the Chicken

Burly guy: I drove Lucy Liu around in her trailer for six weeks.
Columbia student: Really? She’s cute.
Burly guy: Yeah, she’s cute. But then you see her with her makeup off and you’re like, ‘I’ll have the chicken with broccoli.’

–Nussbaum & Wu, 113th & Broadway

Let’s See Her Explain Cottage Cheese

Customer: Excuse me, ma’am, I’d like to point out that your bagels are moldy.
Bagel vendor: No, honey, those are just blueberry bagels.

–Bagel shop

Overheard by: Annika

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

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