Mom about baby crying in stroller: Ugh, I gotta go feed him.
Friend: You want me to do it?
Mom: Um, I breastfeed.
Friend: I could give it a whirl.
–Washington Square Park
Mom about baby crying in stroller: Ugh, I gotta go feed him.
Friend: You want me to do it?
Mom: Um, I breastfeed.
Friend: I could give it a whirl.
–Washington Square Park
Eastern European in velour jumpsuit, approaching guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, remember to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing tomorrow. It's a good size. Alright, see you later.
–89th & 3rd
Overheard by: Ben A
Girl to friends: And then she was like, "yeah, let me look at you with my weirdly oversized eyeballs."
–Court St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: iwn2000
Female suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They're too big! They won't fit in the hole!
–Broadway
Guy: Masculinity is determined by the size of your (slight pause) army…
–Millennium High School
Little girl, carrying tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!
–Central Park
20-something girl to friend: I'm sorry, but what is the big fucking deal with eating on the sidewalk? Back courtyard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fucking sidewalk? Homeless people up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Carcinogens up in my lungs. I mean… really? New Yorkers are all fucked up.
–2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Dodd Loomis
Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most foreign place in America I've ever been to!
–F Train
Overheard by: Chelsea S.
Indian guy on phone: I don't wanna be like the Bengali fob! I'm gonna show up and be like the original New York gangsta!
–B61 Bus
Bar customer to table next to him: I need to visit New York, everyone that visits is always happy. Everyone that lives here in New York is always miserable.
–Chambers St
Little boy, with great excitement: I just tripped in New York City!
–Times Square
Big, Italian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don't just get them 'cause you want them!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: I hated braces
30-something woman to friend: I started getting cavities after I started making out with boys.
–Queens
Overheard by: Angela
Drunk guy: I wasn't having a heart attack, I was at the dentist!
–M60 Bus
Happy tall man on cell: Alright, nigga, brush your teef and all that, I wanna get high!
–111th & Lenox Ave
Girl #1: Okay so like, I wasn’t going to tell you guys but Ed* and I really did have sex last night… I was lying on the phone.
Girl #2: But we knew that already! Ed* called me crying this morning because he thought he took advantage of you.
Girl #3: Ok… this is weird.
–9th St & 5th Ave
Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.
–23rd St
Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.
–LIRR
Overheard by: PW rider
NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Katherine
Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?
–F Train
Overheard by: Jasper johnson
Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: brutal commuter
Dude #1: You’re not really gay.
Dude #2: Yes, I am!
Dude #1: Straight.
Dude #2, vehemently: I have a loofah!
–37th & 28th
Overheard by: MIcSpicie
20-ish chick: You smell like cheap wine.
20-ish friend: You smell like cheap slut!
–Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Overheard by: ouch.
Chick #1: What’s that? ‘Smegma’? That’s not a word.
Guy #1: Of course it’s a word.
Chick #1: Bullshit. What does it mean?
Guy #1: Haven’t you ever heard of dick cheese?
Chick #1: Get the fuck out of here.
Chick #2: It’s crud that grows under men’s foreskins.
Guy #2: You must date all Jewish guys.
Chick #2: Or Muslims.
Chick #1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Guy #1: Don’t you inspect a cock before you put it in your mouth?
Chick #1: I don’t put cocks in my mouth.
Guy #2: Which explains why she’s here playing Scrabble on a Saturday night.
Guy #1: You don’t give blow jobs? Honestly?
Chick #1: No.
Guy #2: Why not? You’re an attractive adult woman.
Chick #1: I think it’s gross.
Guy #1: Maybe she tried it once and the guy had smegma.
Chick #2, taking hand of Chick #1: Come with me and I’ll explain. [They leave the room, and Chick #2 comes back alone minutes later] Let’s go. She doesn’t feel like playing any more.
Guy #2: First no blow jobs, now no Scrabble. She’s really painting herself into a corner.
Guy #1: Before we get lost in all these other issues, I get 42 points for ‘smegma.’
–Scrabble party, 34th & 2nd
Overheard by: Big Larry
Aaron: D’you remember that show when Duffy was married to Suzanne Somers?
Friend: (pissed) Aaron! Get it through your head, bro. I fucking hate Patrick Duffy.
Aaron: Who the fuck hates Patrick Duffy? That’s like hating the dad from Boy Meets World.
Friend: Are you fucking serious right now?
–45th & 3rd
Overheard by: AdHoculi
