Hobo: Look, I’m not going to lie to you. I’m not hungry or sick, I just need some money so I can get high, but it’s just weed, I don’t do heroin or cocaine or any of that shit.
Guy: You know, it’s because of guys like you that people think pot should be illegal! Look at you! When I get high, I pay my own way! I earn my own money and get high! There are little kids on this train! What do you think they’re going to learn? Man, think a little!
–4 train
Overheard by: Alice S.
Little boy: I love Manhattan! I love Tic-Tacs!
–Brooklyn Heights
Wife to husband: No wonder your eyebrows are making love!
–47th & 5th
Overheard by: anon
Biotech to texting friend: Now we’ll see how much he cares about you. I love testing people!
–23rd Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: sara n.
Gleeful hobo rubbing stubble beard: I love my beard! Mmmm, I love you.
–93rd & Broadway
Overheard by: punkee
Queer on cell: I don’t want love handles on love day!
–Lafayette & Astor
Woman on cell: Happy Valentine’s Day… Do you still love me, or do you hate me now?
–Hudson St
Overheard by: lilli
Girl #1 to girl #2: Wouldn't you just rather have a night where we just get really high and scissor?
–Grand & Union, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: So they're smoking crack and fucking on his mother's bed!
–17th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Dave
Little kid: Look, I'm on crack!
–Apple Store, Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Robert
Junkie to junkie companion, standing in front of Band-Aids: I need to test positive for methadone and negative for everything else…
–Walgreens, Union Square
Hobo on train: Does anyone have any money for me? Any food? Any opium? Lots and lots of opium?
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: left my opium stash at home
20-something blond girl on cell: You just have to convince them that you care more about college than you do about drugs, and they'll give you another chance…that's what I did!
–Chinatown Bus
Overheard by: GavinJoyce
Tourist: So I called her up and said, "Come down or you're going to miss breakfast, and I want to have breakfast with you." And all she said was, "I really like opium." and I was like, "Oh, okay."
–33rd & 7th
Overheard by: EthanK
Hobo: Wow! Your dog is skinny.
Woman: Well, we feed him but he doesn’t eat a lot and he gets a lot of exercise…
Hobo: No. That dog has AIDS.
–100th & Broadway
Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue–one o' Aunt Jemima!"
–Shuttle Train GCT
Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth
Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!
–Henry St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Jesse
Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.
–Deli, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: LP
Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!
–Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Andi C.
Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!
–34th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Kramer
Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!
–23rd St & Park Ave
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!
–F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
–27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy.
–Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
–54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
–World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me.
–46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
–Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
–19th between 7th & 8th
Suit lugging huge rolling suitcase to hobo taking up two seats on train: Pardon me.
Hobo (sliding over, looking at huge suitcase): What do you have there, a dog or something?
Suit (with deadpan look on his face, stroking suitcase fondly): I used to. (sighs)
(hobo slowly inches away)
–L Train
Overheard by: Cai
Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Alexis
Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Jackie
Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?
–Grand Central Station
Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?
–125th St
Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."
–Bar 9, 54th & 9th
Overheard by: Ladle
Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.
–W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!
–L Train
Overheard by: The City Planner
Panhandler: Hey, Red, can you help me out with some change?
Red: Sorry, man, not today.
Panhandler, frustrated: C’mon man, it’s always ‘not today’ every time I see you!
Red: I ain’t lied to you yet, have I?
–Ft Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Breck
Guy: 100 bucks! Can you believe it? 100 bucks and all I had to do was suck on his toes for a while!
–Soho
Overheard by: J. B. Palka
Hobo preacher: You might as well just start wiping your ass with your
college diploma, because that’s all they’re good for anyway.
–Union Square
