My Partially Retarded Father

Boy: Hey Dad, you wanna hear what I learned today? “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas”, and every word tells you the name of a planet! Wanna try it? OK, I’ll say the word, and you tell me which planet it means. Ready? My…
Father: Mars.
Boy: Right. Very…
Father: Venus.
Boy: Uh huh. Educated…
Father: Uh…Earth?
Boy: Yep. Mother…
Father: The Moon.
Boy: Yep.

–7 train

Overheard by: Mikey

Boy on cell: We took the bus to 9th Avenue and I saw a guy lying there with only one shoe on. My dad said that’s what happens when you don’t go to school.

–42nd & 9th

Overheard by: Dr. Ballon

Posted on June 24, 2015
Dads, Education, Hobos, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Parents, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

This Round's on Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to another: Now the average American might not know about the economy and the depression. But they know about Budwieser. If they go to the bodega and there's no Budweiser, they know there's a problem.

–53rd Street E Station

Overheard by: SJG

Bald 30-something man: I believe in whiskey and little else.

–Lorimer & Union

Girl walking down the street: You took methamphetamines, I'm getting a Diet Coke!

–2nd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: dazed and confused

Elated girl: This beer is really helping my canker sore.

–93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: brian w

Guy at bar: If the New York Public Library served Scotch, I would go there.

–Karl's Klipper, St George, Staten Island

Overheard by: Johnny Drongo

Train conductor: Next stop, Moshulo Parkway…and can someone get me a fucking soda! I'm in car 3! I need a damn soda!

–4 Train

Overheard by: B-Dizzle Yo

Posted on June 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Drugs, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Staten Island, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

One Becomes Bored With Cardboard

Tall, loud girl to friend: I don't know, I think he really just wants to settle down, you know?
Hobo sitting nearby: Hey! I wanna settle down!

–Broadway & 78th St

Overheard by: Mary

Posted on June 22, 2015
Girls, Hobos, Psychology, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Words

If This Were a Movie, They'd Go on to Form This Season's Unlikeliest Friendship

Hobo to teen girl with an Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirt: Fitch…Fitch… How can you wear a shirt like that? Multimillion dollars…when there's so many bigger problems? Stupid…stupid.
Girl: Um, excuse me?
Hobo: How much they pay you to wear that around?
Girl (with attitude): Four. Thousand. Dollars.
Hobo: I..
Girl (interrupting): An hour.
Hobo: Oh, okay, understandable.

–Central Park

Overheard by: heygirlhey

Posted on June 21, 2015
Central Park, Clothing, Hobos, Money & Class, Questions, Stupidity, Teens

It’s a Stinky Slope

Old hobo, to no one: Don’t start smellin’!
Young hobo: Are you serious?
Old hobo: You think I’m jokin’?

–W 79th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on June 20, 2015
Advice, Hobos, Scents of the City, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

You Stick to Strip Poker, Mr. Hobo

Girl: What the fuck are you doing?
Guy: It was the train.
Girl: No, it fucking wasn’t.
Guy: I thought it would be fun.
Girl: You know what would be fun? Me kicking you in the balls.
Guy: That wouldn’t be fun.
Hobo: That would be a shitload of fun! Can I play?

–A train

Overheard by: Gradie Smith

Posted on June 18, 2015
Balls, Couples, Hobos, Kick, On the Subway, Public Transportation

…Goodwill to Men

Flagman: Hey man, why you drivin’ over my orange cones?
SUV guy: I need to turn here.
Flagman: You can’t; street’s closed! There’s a big ass crane coming down! See it?…What are you doing? You see that big ass crane? Why you rolling over my cones? It’s dangerous. Street’s closed!
SUV guy: I need to turn here and go down this street!
Flagman: You see that big ass crane? You wanna play chicken with that? Go one block down and come back on the other side. Take you five minutes.
SUV guy: But I need to turn here and go down this street! You can’t block a street in New York, asshole!
Flagman: It’s dangerous. Street’s closed! Back up or get outta the damned truck. What’s the matter with you? Get out of the damned car!
SUV guy: Damn it! Asshole.
Flagman: Damn! He rolled over my cones…Fuckin’ Mercedes driver! Anybody else wanna play chicken with that big ass crane?

–48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kevin W. Eaches

Charity mugger: Hey! My name’s Lisa and I’d like to talk to you about donating to North Shore Animal League–
Guy: Let me be honest, Lisa. I work in customer service. That means for 8 hours a day, I have to be polite to everyone I speak with and this is my lunch hour. It’s the one hour of my day where I’m not forced to be nice. I’m sure you’re a nice girl, but why don’t you fuck off?

–Broadway & Pine

Overheard by: Mr. X-mas Tree

Hobo: You mean to tell me no one else on this goddamn train has anything else to eat? I hope you all choke on your Christmas dinners!

–C train

Overheard by: MissHell

Posted on June 17, 2015
Cars and Driving, Food, Hobos, Rockefeller Center, Strangers

After 96th, All the White People Have Already Scampered Away

Panhandler, singing “Here Comes the Sun” as he walks through the train: Please give me some money!
Homie: Dude, you need to be on a downtown train! We's poor on the uptown train! You on the wrong fucking train.

–1 Train

Overheard by: trixx117

Posted on June 16, 2015
Guys, Hobos, Money & Class, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Singing

Or a Homeless Vending Machine

Hobo: Can you spare some change?…Hey, could I have another one?
Man #1: What? Another dollar? I already gave you one; fuck you!
Man #2: Now that’s what I call an ungrateful motherfucker.

–6 train

Overheard by: Rita E.

Posted on June 15, 2015
Anger Management, Etiquette, Hobos, Money & Class, On the Subway

Hobos