Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah… by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview… it’s, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm… at least you made it.
–50th & 7th
Barista: What happened to your fist?
Queer: An AC bit it.
Barista: Really?
Queer: Yeah.
Barista: Nice story.
Queer: Well, it’s better than my story before.
Barista: Which was?
Queer: I told people it was a fisting accident: he sneezed! People didn’t respond too well.
–St. Marks
Overheard by: fran
Conservatively-Dressed guy: So my fingers are covered with little box-cutter cuts, which means I can’t go shoving them into the places that I used to. Now I might catch something.
–Brooklyn bound L train
Guy #1: Dude, that chick is so hot.
Guy #2: Yeah, I would so pee in her butt.
Guy #1: Oh yeah, I’d pee in her butt, too.
Random dude, passing by: What the fuck?
–Times Square
Overheard by: MindControlFun
Girl: Oh, I have to buy new whitening strips.
Boy: How come?
Girl: Well, with that storm last night, the wind must’ve blown everything on top of the toilet into the toilet. And I had to pee in the middle of the night, and it was dark. I thought it was a head in the toilet. But I turned on the light, and it was just my whitening strips.
Boy: Why would you turn the light on if you thought there was a head in the toilet?
Girl: I needed to know if it was a head. I wasn’t just gonna pee on someone’s face.
–A train
Girlfriend, to boyfriend walking out of the bathroom: Did you wash your hands? [Takes his hand] Ew! No, you didn’t!
Boyfriend: You put it in your mouth. I think I’ll be all right to touch it every once in awhile.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Clay Parrish
Girl on cell: So I woke up with a slice of pizza on my stomach again last night.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Frank B
Man: You know my theory: ground beef makes anything taste better.
–6 train
Overheard by: Sol
Old woman: Give me a donut. But not a very sweet one. I’m diabetic.
–Clarkson Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: astronugget
Fat woman on cell: “Butter Lovers” or “X-treme Butter” with an X?
–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Rita
Teenage boy: I had frosted Cheerios for breakfast. That’s some heavy shit.
–86th & 2nd
Overheard by: Madison Parks
Woman, yelling into her cell in a thick Puerto Rican/New York accent: I had to call you. Guess what I’m thinking about right now? Guess! You know the little peanut man on the jar of peanuts? Him! The little peanut man.
–crosstown bus, 72nd & Lex
Queer: Here’s what I want you to do. First, I want you to spread chocolate on my chest. Then, I want you to spread some nougat, then some caramel and roasted peanuts. Then I want you to fuck me and call me Snickers.
–Fire Island
Suit on cell: Yeah, I know. Did I tell you about the dominatrix?
–49th & 7th
Little girl, to her mother: But why is the mummy all tied up?
–Egyptian Wing, the Met
Overheard by: Erin Partridge
Hipster woman: So I think my father is into kiddie porn.
–UCBT, 26th & 8th
Overheard by: Tobster
Dude, to his female date: So, do you like to do anal? Come on, you can be honest. You’ve already blown me.
—Calle Ocho, 81st & Columbus
Overheard by: Sara
Girl: I like you. Just not in a toe-up-the-ass way.
–1 train
Overheard by: i like toes
Cute guy: I mean, shit. I was in a threesome with him. He has no right to judge me.
–34th & 8th
Guy: Did you hear back from the modeling agency?
Girl: Yeah, it was Foot Fetish Palace. I have to call them back.
Guy: Oh my god you’re in porn?! This is why we’re friends.
–20th between 8th & 9th
Overheard by: I’m just trying to get to the theatre
Woman: She locked me in a dog crate and poured hot wax on me.
Random passerby: What kind of sex is she having?
–Canal St
Overheard by: Casstom
