Middle-aged lady #1: You know, if he is gay you probably shouldn’t be with him anyway.
Middle-aged lady #2: I think he is gay. I mean, he’s so much kinkier that I could ever even imagine.
Middle-aged lady #1: Well, see, there you go.
–77th & Lex
Middle-aged lady #1: You know, if he is gay you probably shouldn’t be with him anyway.
Middle-aged lady #2: I think he is gay. I mean, he’s so much kinkier that I could ever even imagine.
Middle-aged lady #1: Well, see, there you go.
–77th & Lex
Girl #1: So, how was it at his house?
Girl #2: It was fine until he kept…
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Well, he kept begging me to try it, and I was like, ‘Listen, I’ll do any other kinky thing you want, but I think that is just gross!’ And then he went and got the garden hose anyway…
–Victoria’s Secret, Herald Square
Dude #1: This one girl I hooked up with once made me choke her and shit when we fucked. She wanted to struggle, and I had to pry her legs open and hold her down. And she cried afterward.
Dude #2, laughing: Dude… Are you sure you weren’t raping this girl?
Dude #1, laughing: Man, fuck you. [Abruptly stops laughing, pales] … Fuck, man…
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jane
Redhead: I was so wasted that I ended up fucking this guy right on the bar. On the bar.
Brunette: You what?!
Redhead: Yeah, they told me to never, ever come back in there again.
Brunette: Holy shit.
Redhead: Oh, but it gets worse.
Brunette: How can it possibly get worse?
Redhead: He was a big, fat guy.
Brunette: You really shouldn’t do shots.
–Washington Square
Chick: I bet he’s fuh-reaky in the sack.
Friend: Definitely.
Chick: No… Like fuh-reaky… Like, not like normal freaky, how everyone needs to get it once in a while, but, like, weird freaky — like pulling up your pants and finding the closest exit. Did I ever tell you about the ice cream?
Friend, laughing: No!
Chick: This one time he was like, ‘Let’s have some fun’ and decided to tie me up. And then to, like, build anticipation or whatever, he went and got a bowl of ice cream.
Friend: Shut up!
Chick: I’m serious… And then I guess my damn cat decided he wanted a snack, too!
Friend, hysterical: Shut up! I can’t breathe!
–LIRR pulling into Penn Station
College guy #1: You know, the first five or six times a day it’s easy to just rub one out, but at, like, seven or eight you gotta start getting inventive.
College guy #2: Ha, ha — yeah, man.
College girl: …What?
College guy #1: I mean, that’s when you gotta pull out the beastiality and shit to get it done.
College guy #2: Ha, ha — yeah, man.
College girl: Oh my god, I’m going to need therapy. Can you stop speaking?
–Broadway near NYU
Overheard by: worried that they are our future
Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.
–Bryant Park
Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.
–N train, Queens
Overheard by: Morgan
Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.
–Bar, Lower East Side
Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?
–Houston and Elizabeth
Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’
–20th St & 8th Ave
Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!
–12th St & University Pl
Overheard by: Joe
Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.
–33rd & 7th
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
–Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!
–20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
–1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
–5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
–Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Woman on cell: Putting something inside you that vibrates is sort of like being at a construction site. I’m still getting used to my vibrator, too…
–Herald Square
Overheard by: GG
Geeky chick on cell: Sheesh, you’re just wearing her gloves, not reusing one of her condoms!
–4 train
Man on cell, paddle-boating with girlfriend: Hey, man! Yeah, I’m with my whip on the lake — she’s paddling me around!
–Central Park
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Beauty on cell: Fuck you! What about the Astroglide? Fuck you! What about the rubbers? Fuck you, you asshole! Fuck you! Fuck you!
–W 4th St
Overheard by: cato
30-something lady on cell: I have told you: I am absolutely not going to wear that outfit when I have sex with you. I mean it!
–8th and 36th
Suit on cell: So they gave me this amazing cream for my burn that made my skin amazingly soft — you know, like Astroglide.
–80 Central Park West & 68th St
Overheard by: Ray Zinbran
Teacher: We need our high-power sexual devices!
–Brooklyn Tech
Giggling little girl placing hand in butt-crack of a statue: Daddy, look!
Father: Spank it!
–Times Warner Building, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Adam Distler
