On the Subway

Lady: I don’t like to parallel park…it messes up my hair.

–61st & Madison

Guy: Seriously, you are being ridiculous. You need to calm the fuck down. You still have 2 more stops and what are your expectations with that outfit? Let me off.

–L train

Man on cell: I served lemonade for 6 hours! It wasn’t fucking bartending! It sucked!

–61st & 3rd

Chinese chick: Oh, I don’t watch baseball. I just recently found out what a home run is. I used to think they would, like, run home, and I was like, what the fuck is the point of that?

–B6 bus

Man on cell: Are you a fucking retard or do you just play one in real life?

–Penn Station

Girl: I don’t know why I pay for the internet. The only sites I ever use are Friendster, Craigslist and Overheard In New York and I’ll be honest, sometimes they just don’t do it for me.

–2 train

Punk chick: …hate it when my dirt washes off. It keeps me warm.

–St. Mark’s between 1st & A

Chick: You’re not the one who had to teach a fucking dance class from 9 to 5. I had to teach dance from 9 to 5. And I have to do it again tomorrow. I don’t wanna fucking dance anymore. I have tendonitis!

–12th & 3rd

Overheard by: Domi & Rachel

Guy: I got both, bitch! I got a pussy and a dick!

–6th Avenue & 9th Street

Chick: He was my rag guy! What am I going to do now? I’m gonna dry up. If you stick your ear up to my vagina you’re going to hear the fucking desert like it’s a seashell.

–43rd & 5th

Overheard by: James Wilson

Burkha woman: …when you remove a man’s genitals, it’s a sin.

–Port Authority

Guy on cell: I’m busy. I’m getting my dick sucked right now.

–4 train

Overheard by: LatiE

Guy: It wasn’t till I started college that I realized they had botched the circumcision. We had all just flopped them out and I was like, “Dude, what is wrong with yours?”, and they were like, “No man, it’s you, what the fuck happened to you? It looks like the fucking rings of saturn.”

–38th & 3rd

Suit: If you’re a dick you can do anything.

–Maiden Lane & Pearl Street

Overheard by: SKG

Man on cell: So I was trying to take a pee and she kept talking to me, so then my dick got hard and I couldn’t pee.

–25th & 5th

Overheard by: Ian Wheeler-Nicholson

Lady on cell: He’s a hermaphrodite…he was born that way…his grandparents, thats why. Genetic mutations and stuff.

–50th & Madison

Chick: But he has a pierced dick! They don’t sell that shit in stores!

–SI party

Overheard by: Rebecca Dash

Man: Did anyone else notice my mother’s leopard print panties?

–1st Avenue & 10th Street

Girl on cell: Stop stealing Grandma’s condoms, you know she needs them more than you do. Do you want another mother?

–47th & 9th

Mom: Rules are so hard to keep track of and enforce. So I just don’t make any.

–Brooklyn Heights

Mom: Do you know what mental illness is? It’s not fun. You should know.

–F train

Guido on cell: My grandmother tore him a new asshole! You know what she’s like.

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Vic Payback

Mom: Can we please watch the expletives? Did you hear what I said? Can we please watch the expletives?…Can you please stop giving me the finger?

–LIRR

Overheard by: CMichaels

Mom: Get out of the elevator, I want to look at the Marc Jacobs crap.

–Barney’s, Madison Avenue

Woman: This block has the best garbage!

–2nd Avenue & 8th Street

Girl on cell: We’ve already got plans again for this weekend. I’m really excited about this guy; he’s great. He’s really driven, really ready to succeed. He’s a doctor…No, not in real life, on TV.

–57th & Lexington

Overheard by: Heather

White guy: That wasn’t the best day of my life, though. The best day was the day after my birthday when I recoverd my hard drive.

–Astoria party

Overheard by: Noah Starr

Man on cell: I like them shoes with the ruffle. The ones you wore to the Olive Garden that one time.

–Broadway & Prince

Girl: In theory…I was going to end that sentence with, “the dolphins will be OK.”

–7 train

Overheard by: Amado Angel

Lady: Well, he’s an ex-junkie, an alcoholic, mean-tempered, a practicing bisexual, and he has hepatitus C. But he’s a wonderful man and, as guys like that go, he does have great taste in jewelry.

–Midtown office

Black guy #1: Ya know the only way to get a girl these days is to have a hot car.
Black guy #2: Yeah.
Black guy #1: I could get the keys, but not the car.

–N train

Little girl: But I want a flower!
Dad: Get married.

–R train

Overheard by: caelwern

Hobo: Does anyone have some food? I’m so hungry, please!
Guy: I think I have an apple in my bag.
Hobo: I got no teeth! I got no teeth! I don’t want your apple!
Guy: How the hell do you expect to get any food without teeth?

–2/3 train

Black girl: Oh my God, this train is crowded.
Japanese guy: In Tokyo, the trains are much more crowded than this!
Black girl: Why? ’cause they can fit so many more of you little guys on it?

–6 train

Overheard by: Carri

Teen girl: Like, I thought he was Jewish but then he ate a gyro so I dumped him.
Teen boy: That’s rough. Did he have it with that white sauce?
Teen girl: What difference does that make? Shit, you’re dumb.

–F train

Overheard by: Steph Gold

Woman: My dad actually said, “I don’t want you becoming a hooker. If you need money, ask me.”
Man: You know why he said that, right?

–N train