Only in New York

You Can’t Do Something Bad at Times Square Anymore

Teen boy #1: We’re getting back pretty late. What are you going to tell your mom?
Teen boy #2: I’ll say we were at dinner until 10:00, and–
Teen boy #1: No way! We went to dinner at 6:15! There’s no such thing as a four hour dinner!
Teen boy #2: Okay, I’ll say that we went to dinner at 7:15, and that we stayed until 8:45 because it was a buffet…then we went and hung out at Times Square–
Teen boy #1: You should tell her that I did something bad, otherwise she’ll be suspicious.

–N train

Girl #1: I heard on a show that Times Square was getting seedy again.
Girl #2: Times Square should be seedy. Tourists come here and they want to see hookers and pimps and drug dealers hanging around. Not the Prudential Financial display.

–Times Square

Fair Enough.

Driver being diverted past blockaded street: What's going on here?
Cop diverting traffic: What's going on? It's New York freaking City! That's what's going on! Move along!

–9th Ave & 20th St

Overheard by: Mighty Spatula

If You Pee Yourself on the Train, Al-Qaeda Has Won

Brit husband: I can’t believe this isn’t air conditioned.
Brit wife: Well, this isn’t London…just pretend it is a sauna.
Brit husband: I can’t. It smells like piss and sweat, not cedar.

–1 train

Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I really hope that you start doing some shit that’s smart.

–Broadway & Waverly

Businessman: The CEO’s a good ol’ Italian goombah from Bayonne.

–Midtown Office

Tonight's Movie: Big Trouble in Little Italy

Girl: Hang on… (bends over to tie shoe in middle of crowd)
Appalled mother: Don't do that! This is New York. You could get pregnant!

–Mulberry & Hester, Little Italy

Overheard by: Mark

Might Be the Old Good Hobo/ Crazy Hobo Routine

Crazy hobo: What do you get when you take the lemons out of the lemonade?
Unsuspecting tourist: Um… ‘Ade’?
Crazy hobo: No! Sugar water! What do you get when you have an old cowboy?
Friendly hobo: Man, get the fuck outta here, ya fucking weirdo! Leave her the fuck alone!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Katie

Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.

–JFK

Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.

–JFK

Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.

–JFK

Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

–JFK

Overheard by: lonely passenger

Right Before the Cautionary Chapter About Frosted Tips

Guy: I love porn. I've got XTube bookmarked.
Slightly older guy: You're a gay man in New York: of course you love porn. It's in the rulebook.

–42nd St, near Broadway

Then How Can I Be a Jerk Off, Brainiac?

Man #1, annoyed at being pushed: You don't have to push!
Man #2: Well, it was really crowded.
Woman: Welcome to New York!
Man #1, to woman: Your mother!
Woman: That's mature! What are you, in the 5th grade? Grow up, jerk-off!
Man #1: Suck my dick!
Woman: You don't got one, honey!

–F Train

Overheard by: Alliem

Inner Peace Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Woman #1: Ma’am, could you please move your bag so I could sit down?
Woman #2: No, can’t you see I’m busy, bitch? And I’m not movin this fuckin’ thing. It’s heavy and I don’t want to pick it up again! Sit somewhere else.

She goes back to reading Jesus and Mary: The Key to Divine Love and Inner Peace.

–149th St station downtown platform

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