Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Posted on June 15, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Laughter, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, NYC Geography, One-liners, Queens, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Time, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Okay, Better

Little boy: I farted!
Mother: Oh, Andrew, that's gross.
Grandma: Yes, say “excuse me” and then get out of here.
Little boy: Bombs away!

–Target, Queens

Posted on April 22, 2020
Apologies, Families, Family Ties, Farting & Burping, Kids, Moms, Old People, Queens, Should've Used a Condom, Store

Unless You’re Talking about the Bird, in Which Case, I’m Intrigued

Queer #1: What would you like to do tonight?
Queer #2: I wanna get high off your dickie.
Man: Ewww.

–Sam Ash Music Store, Queens

Posted on April 4, 2020
Penis, Queens, Queer guys

Ladies and Gentlemen: Finally, the Reason the 7 Train Smells Like That

Employee #1: Did you know one company will fly you to outer space for $40 million?
Employee #2: I would never do that. I’d shit myself.
Employee #1: I shit myself even going to Queens!

–Broad & Beaver

Posted on March 4, 2020
Coworkers, Lower Manhattan, Queens, Travel, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Coincidentally, ‘A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn’ Was What He Called His Van

Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I’m not allowed because I’m a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!

–outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike

Overheard by: Pfeff

Posted on March 1, 2020
Creepsters, Crime and Punishment, Education, Girls, Men, Nice People, Queens, Questions

Actually…

Girl on bus looking at a Six Flags sign: Why do they call it Six Flags?
Guy: Yo, bitch! Count the flags!

–Bus, Queens

Overheard by: Nicoletta

Posted on January 28, 2020
Bus, Girls, Guys, Insults, On the Bus, Queens, Questions, Stupidity

From Dr. Seuss' Unpublished The Whore by the Door

Boy: Is that a hat?
Girl: No, it's my dick. (pause) Wait, what? Is what a hat?
Boy: I thought that thing by the door was a hat.
Girl: A cat?

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on January 21, 2020
Boys, Clothing, Fast Times at New York High, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Penis, Queens

This Is Just a Hologram

Walking guy: I don’t walk.
Walking girl: Why?
Walking guy: ‘Cause I just hate walking.

–Austin Street, Forest Hills

Overheard by: Prefers Piggyback Rides

Posted on January 7, 2020
Fitness, Friends, Queens

With the Additional Smartass Fee, Maybe They'll Spring for Bread

Driver: You couldn't just give me a warning, huh? This ticket make your quota for you?
Female cop: Why, yes, yes it does! Now I get a free toaster from the city paid with your fine there!

–Parsons & 79th, Queens

Overheard by: Fly on the Wall

Posted on January 5, 2020
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Queens, Questions, Women