Old lady: No, Henry, trust me. You were never a fuck machine, and I certainly did know how to fake it.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Marc Mitchell
Old lady: No, Henry, trust me. You were never a fuck machine, and I certainly did know how to fake it.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Marc Mitchell
Hobo: Well, mathematically speaking, I’m fucked.
–2nd Avenue station
Overheard by: Maddog
Hobo: I don’t steal. I don’t snatch purses. I don’t bother women. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not a homosexual. But I do bathe. And I do sleep on the subway ’cause I am a bum.
–4 train
Overheard by: Jen McC.
Hobo: Anybody want to take the day off and cuddle with me? It’s kosher!
–52nd & 5th
Overheard by: Jess
Hobo: I’m just tryin’ to get some pussy here and all y’all gotta come up in here and bother me. Damn.
–PATH train
Overheard by: Everett Moran
Hobo: I’ve been shitting plastic lately.
–Q60 bus
Overheard by: Ben
Hobo: Please help me…Please help me…I need money to buy popcorn…Please help me…I need a hot meal…I need money to buy popcorn.
–53rd & Park
Hobo: Uh oh, uh oh! You make a big doo-doo! It’s okay. I make big doo-doos too.
–Astor Place
Overheard by: Melissa Cole
Hobo: Spare a little change, girls? That’s all right, God bless you…even the Chinese girl.
–Bank & Bleecker
Hobo: The tax man has a licence to kill. No questions asked. More people should know that.
–5th Avenue-53rd Street station
Overheard by: Tzvi Tampa
Hobo: If you see a suspicious black package on this train do not pick it up. If you see a large, black package on my seat after I leave, do not worry. It is not a bomb. I’ve been riding this train for fifteen years. Leave it for the Coney island clean-up crew. They’ll take care of it. It is not a weapon, it is not filled with hundred dollar bills, just don’t touch it…Did you know that Union Square is a hundred years older than Times Square?
–N train
Overheard by: Zelda
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption. I am trying to raise one million dollars and 25 cents for wine research.
–4 train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Hobo: All you people who just got on the train, everybody in this car already gave me $7. Everybody gave me $7 but you.
–6 train
Girl: So I saw this homeless guy walking down the street with, like, all the bags and stuff, and he had something bewtween his teeth!
–6 train
Hobo: Hey man, help an ugly dude out, will ya?
–33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Brian Graham
Hobo: What’s the holdup? Let’s get this train moving! There’s people gots to go to work, gots to go to school! There’s pregnant people! Court musicians!
–R train
Hobo: Yeah, a couple of Jewish lawyers out to fuck the world…Shee-it.
–42nd & Lexington
Overheard by: Ronald A. Veenker
Yale guy on cell: Oh, you’ll like this. So, I hooked up with this girl this weekend, and got a handjob from her…But, the thing is, she had one hand…No, she had an arm, just no hand. And she gave me a handjob. With the other one…I started laughing when she started giving me a handjob, because, well…Yeah. The irony of the whole thing…Yeah, but she was real hot…Huge boobs…I think I’m gonna try and hook up with her again and see if she’ll rub my balls…Yeah, man, with the other one…The other…Yeah.
–Metro-North train
Overheard by: rDave
Tourist lady: Um, I have a non-train related question.
MTA guy: What?
Tourist lady: Is there a nice place to get some coffee or tea around here?
MTA guy: Yeah, outside.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: rod vanderlaan
Announcement: Please be nice going on and off the escalators.
–Smith-9th Streets station
Overheard by: Fulcanelli
Girl #1: I don’t understand why they gotta say “How you doin'” and “Have a nice day.”
Girl #2: They’re trying to be nice, stupid.
–KFC, 125th & 7th
Overheard by: Edwina P. Garza
Guy: Imagine living in the Midwest where there is no happiness.
–Metro-North train
Conductor: This is the last stop, New York Penn Station. All passengers must exit the train. Last stop.
Chick #1: Is this our stop?
Chick #2: Did he say Penn Station?
Chick #3: This is so confusing. It’s not like taking a plane, where you know your destination.
–NJ Transit train, Penn Station
Thug guy #1: Take a look at this shit [on my digital camera].
Thug guy #2: Look at that joint; it looks straight up like a Toys “R” Us commercial.
Thug guy #1: So we was on the safari, and you know how you’re not supposed to have the windows down on those joints? Then that girl up there rolled the window down and the giraffe stuck its head in like, “Yo, what up?” and I was like, “Bitch, roll the window up!” and it came back out. I was scared, yo. I thought that thing was gonna bite me or something.
Thug guy #3: Giraffes don’t eat meat.
Thug guy #1: I don’t care! That thing could have bit me or spit on me or licked me!
–L train shuttle bus
Overheard by: T. DeVon Robinson
Teen boy #1: Does your mom know you’re going to the Nine Inch Nails concert?
Teen girl #1: I just turned 15, my mom would shit if she knew I was going to the Nine Inch Nails concert. I told her I was going to miss my PSAT class because you had a surprise for me for my birthday. She thinks you are taking me out for dinner.
Teen girl #2: What will you tell her when you get home after midnight?
Teen girl #1: I don’t know.
Teen boy #2: Tell her that he took you to a Broadway show.
They discuss theater.
Teen girl #1: Oh, I’d love to go to a Broadway show, can you take me sometime?
Teen boy #1: No, that would cost like $500.
Teen girl #2: My parents aren’t even home, they went on a cruise.
Teen girl #1: Can we go on a cruise?
Teen boy #2: A cruise is expensive; it costs like $3,000 a person.
Teen girl #2: It doesn’t cost that much.
Teen boy #2: Well, I don’t know how much it costs, but it fucking costs a lot.
Teen boy #1: Do you have the money for the tickets?
Teen girl #1: No, I only have like $6. I forgot to take my wallet, my lunch and my birth control.
Woman: Let’s raise our kids in the Philippines.
–LIRR
Man: Oh, we are going to see my niece. My sister is so proud of her, she’s on Broadway.
Woman: That’s wonderful. What is she playing?
Man: She’s in Chicago playing one of the whores.
–Amtrak train
Overheard by: Moises
Drunk dude: I’ve always wanted a pet bee. You know? That would be so cool. To have a pet bee. I’d take it for a walk every day and show it to the neighbors. And they’d be so amazed that I had a pet bee!
Guy #1: How would you take a bee for a walk?
Drunk dude: I’d tie a little string around its neck. Like a leash, you know?
Guy #2: I didn’t know that bees had a neck.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Eric Roitman
