Girl on cell: I feel so dirty…He rubbed oil all over my body. He’s short, but he has blue eyes…so hot…I’d let him crawl all over me!
–Hoboken PATH
Old blind woman singing for money in the train: I’ll rub hot oil all over your body … and God bless the child, that’s got his own, that’s got his own.
–F train downtown
Hobo lady: I been pussy fucked; I been ass fucked; I been titty fucked–and that was fun–but there ain’t no love like the love of Jesus.
–M15 bus
Overheard by: Ben Beckley
Conductor #1: If you are traveling with small child, the elderly, or the intoxicated, be sure to take them by the hand as there is a large gap between the train and the station platform.
Conductor #2: Dude, shut up.
Conductor #1: Roger that.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: One of the intoxicated
Conductor #1: I have to head back to check out a problem.
Conductor #2: What’s the problem?
Conductor #1: Apparently some guy is masturbating in his seat.
Conductor #3: Could you two please switch to another channel?
–Metro-North train
Overheard by: Steve Ross
Mom: Nigga, chill! Grandma’s going to make you some Spanish baked ziti. And I got me some tequila, some margarita mix, and a big ass bottle of tequila, and dat shit’s about to get twisted!
A train rushes by on other track.
Mom: Damn! That shit just gave me an orgasm!
–Metro-North train
Overheard by: Emily Aldridge
WASP man: Yeah. I suffered in jail for 16 years with my first wife. My second wife died of cancer after 5 years. I’ve been married to this one a year and a half…Two out of three’s not bad; if this were baseball, I’d be making a mint.
–A train
Overheard by: Lia
Teen girl: God, you are so self-conscious sometimes I want to punch you in the face.
–A train
Overheard by: Niki
Guy: Hey! Don’t touch me! You can’t sit here. People don’t just sit on the floor on the train.
Drunk woman: I have…a very bad…back…
Guy: Then ask somebody to give you their seat. Then go see a doctor.
She flips him off.
Woman #2: Oh no, she didn’t!
–A train
Overheard by: wish I’d been drunk at 9am
Construction guy: Well, she didn’t sound Chinese over the phone.
–Fulton & William
Girl #1: She told me she could get wine stains out of the suede…
Girl #2: Wow, did she?
Girl #1: When I came to pick it up there was a big red stain and I said, “What the fuck is this?”–like that–and she just looked at me all dumb.
Girl #2: What, was she Chinese or something?
Girl #1: No, she was normal.
–LIRR train
Guy: We’re all wearing jeans. We all have black hair.
Chick: We’re all Asian.
Guy: We are? I thought we were just normal?
–F train
Overheard by: Gretchen Irmiger
Girl #1: Yo, if I had a baby and it was really ugly, I’d say flat out, “That baby is ugly,” and I’d have to try again.
Girl #2: Naw. Just dress it up good, no one will know.
–Metro-North train
