Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Veg Out

Burly construction worker: Nah, I’m telling you, man. You got it all wrong. Apple turnover is one of those little cake things.

–39th St, between 8th & 9th

Checkout lady holding up customer’s pear on counter: What the hell is this?!

–Key Food, East Village

Overheard by: J

Guy: … I didn’t know why she was chewing on a pickle with an inflated glove over one eye.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Coworker: I’m just saying, broccoli is the least respected vegetable in the vegetable kingdom. You can’t argue that.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: Georgia Peach

Conductor after train pulls into station: Mrew! Mrew! Apples and bah-nay-nays!

–7 train

Drunk lady on cell: So, I’ve been pinned against the wall all night by a woman telling me about her bowel movements… And to top it all off, I found avocadoes on sale today for 99 cents!

–St. Mark’s & 5th, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners Used to Go to Meow Mix

Girl: This friend of mine, her cat killed an endangered bird… in Germany. They had to bury it, like, three feet underground.

–Queens-bound E train

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Dude on cell: I saw Tim Burton on an interview the other day, and I said to my cat, ‘Snicket, behold a man who has never yet combed his hair!’

–AMDA entrance

Overheard by: McKinley’s Friend

Girl: And her cat and my cat are, like, really close…

–BX26 bus

Guy: I mean, I don’t even eat cat…

–14th St & 5th Ave

Guy to friend: No, cocaine. Cats really like cocaine!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Kerri

Wednesday One-Liners Are Up to $7.50 a Pack

Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until… ever. Smoking is bad for you.

–American Airlines flight

Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!

–Outside Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself

Professor arguing with student: I’m just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it’s just not cutting it.

–100 Washington Sq East

Little girl: Mommy, you know how it’s cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.

–Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station

Overheard by: wasn’t me

Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I’d grind ’em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.

–PATH, 9th St

Overheard by: Zenana

Chick: I think I’m going to take up smoking in order to make friends.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member

Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!

–Danice, 125th & 8th

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!

–6 train

Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Against Marj

Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sandy

Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.

–1 train

Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan

Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Wouldn’t Say They’re Missing Work

Manager to resigned employee: It’s okay. If I worked here I’d be looking for another job as well.

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Guy pleading into cell: Give me a break! So I have sex with one fuckin’ coworker…

–Lafayette & Spring

Overheard by: Jeff in Soho

Late-40s guy: When you get to be my age it’s hard to make the big money, to become rich. Sure, I could get a job, but that’s not me.

–Bus, Port Authority

Overheard by: How long is this bus ride?

Suit: I mean, if I’m gonna fuck a fatty it’s going to be one I don’t have to see at work on Monday.

–6 train, Astor Place

Bike messenger: I could die at any time. That’s why my job is so great. I clock in for doom.

–37th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Get Outsourced

Guy: This is like waiting in a breadline in Russia.

–Long line to get into Magnolia Bakery

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on cell: I got sexually molested by a teenager in Turkey!

–11th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Huh. Lot of Egypt.

–Egyptian art wing, the Met

Overheard by: Rhian

Girl having to throw away beer: That’s so sad — think of all the sober children in Ethiopia.

–Brooklyn Brewery

Overheard by: Eelco

Girl to boyfriend: What did you do today? Oprah probably fed a small country.

–13th St & 2nd Ave

Lady giving friend reindeer hat: Isn’t it great? I’m sure some Pakistani kid went blind making it, but y’know…

–Fancy restaurant, West Village

Overheard by: lbw

Black kid pointing at shirt: This shit is gangsta! It’s from Japan!

–The Gap, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Multiply Unfruitfully

High-heeled freshman ringleader: Who invented long division? That guy was smart… He was probably lying in his bed looking at the ceiling and was like, ‘I know, just put them in a little house!’

–1 train near Barnard

Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering

College dude to chick: Statistics are bullshit, just like facts.

–6th St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Rawn

Girl: I use, like, a hundred minutes an hour.

–Queens College

Chick screaming at four-year-old girl: 40 minus 14 is not 34!

–Baxter & Canal, Chinatown

Cashier to employee: They didn’t make you take a math test? When I was a bank teller they tested everyone to make sure you could do math at an eighth grade level. I guess they stopped doing it ’cause too many people failed.

–Duane Reade, Forest Hills

Wednesday One-Liners Love Juicy

JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything — I even made out with a few the other night — but I am not going to Outback.

–Spring St

Overheard by: Jason

JAP on cell: And I was like, ‘Have you been in the new building yet?’ And he was like, ‘I know, it’s a maze.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!’ And he was like, ‘Um, no… I mean, like, a… maze.’

–Bryant Park

JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!

–79th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lisa

20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! … But I don’t want to call him! Why can’t you just call him for me? I’m not calling him! … But my asshole is still bleeding!

–Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway

JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, ‘No, but thanks for noticing!’ He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.

–88th & Park

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry.

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk.

–University Pl & 14th St

Overheard by: Erin

Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.

–Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: MmmSandwich

Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?

–115th St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Fail English? That Unpossible.

Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don’t know why for she call you… Just to be talkin’ shit… You know how I be is…

–Bed-Stuy

Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I’d be there right now!

–West 7th & Avenue T

Man leaning into friend’s car window: Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight… Nah, she aight…

–150th & Macombs

Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: off white

Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: She wasn’t kidding, and no one laughed

Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature…

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Overheard by: Benjamin

Thug: Yo, nigga, don’t make me yo’ escapegoat!

–4 train, Bronx

Overheard by: charles elliot

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