9 to 5-ers

Vendsday One-Liners

Perfume guy: Gucci! Gucci! Gucci’ll get you a hoochie!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: alison

Woman selling belongings on street: Look here, deodorant! Brand new! One dollar.

–44th, between Lex & 3rd

Hawker with "Cheney/Satan ’08" bumper stickers: Inappropriate stickers here!

–Outside Grand Central

Musician to passerby eating cookie: If you like cookies, you’ll love my new album!

–9th & 6th

Overheard by: Gil

AM New York lady to another: Bitch, don’t be comin’ over here! AM New York, people — get your AM New York! Fuck you, you bitch, I been here since seven AM every day this week. Don’t be givin’ me that shit. Get your lazy ass off my corner ‘fore I cut you! Fuck you, bitch! Fuck you! AM New York, people, AM New York…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BJ

Comedy hawker: Free bag of marijuana with your purchase! Yaaay!

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Sarah R

You’re Generating Static on My Love Radio

Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Man, I’m about to slap fire out my boss.
Friend, looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Sixty-three fuckin’ dollaz man!?! Sixty-three fuckin’… Who the fuck pays sixty-three dollaz for a bag of ice?!
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: What the fuck? Must be glacial ice! Straight from the muffuckin glacier ‘n shit.
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Maybe it was organic ice or some shit: I can’t believe this shit!
[Puerto Rican chic rolls her eyes.]
Friend, no longer looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: You’re fuckin up my game again, son.

–F train

Hawkeye Just Wants an Audience

Supermarket stock guy, screaming into cell while loading cheese onto shelves: Yo! What up, punk ass! Call me back punk ass bitch!
[Hangs up cell and breaks into chorus of that “Oh What a Night (December ’63)” song.]100-year-old male shopper: ’63? You’re not even old enough to remember ’63.
Stock guy: Man, I was born in ’60. July 1960.
100-year-old male shopper: Oh, ’60, huh? I served in Korea…

–20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: LiAps

Sorry, Proving Your Opponent Right Is Not a Valid Counter-Argument

Customer: Maybe you should just quit your job.
Employee: Maybe you should just shut the fuck up!

–PATH train, 125th St

Overheard by: vegannramember

The Fiery and Passionate Kind. [Wink.]

Customer: Oh, you go to my school. So, what’s your name?
Employee: Eric* Dominguez…
Customer: Oooh! So, like, you’re Spanish?
Employee: Yeah.
Customer: Oh, that’s cool. So, like, what kind of Spanish person are you?

–Subway restaurant, Queens

Correct — the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!

TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are ‘metal’ and ‘detector.’ Now, let’s play a game called ‘What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?’ What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Philly Blunt

That’s Code for, “I’m Lost, Too”

Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where–
Biotech, interrupting: –Look, I don’t have time to make up fake directions.

–W Broadway

Headline by: Trey Jackson

Runners-Up:
· “And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back” – Markle
· “And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won’t Give You Real Ones” – Yana
· “Mapquest’s Employee Of the Month” – Claire
· “Or The Knowledge for Real Ones” – DIck
· “So Take a Left Over There” – emily bess
· “Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You’re from Out Of Town.” – jnr

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table

Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain’t gonna to be late for work — I’m at work.

–2 train

Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!

–Prince St

Overheard by: 3 musketeers

Lady suit: We can’t bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn’t work.

–45th & Lex

Barista: Yo, I like my schedule — work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep… You can’t do that shit on a temp schedule.

–Starbucks

Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room… and your job.

–Rockefeller Center

I Heard about Those During One of My Free Hours in the Exercise Yard

College guy: So, what’s the thing you like least about working here?
Brainwashed programmer: Geez, that’s a hard one. I like just about everything here!
College guy: I see… Have you ever seen the movie Office Space?
Brainwashed programmer: No, I’ve never heard of it. Is that one of those YouTube things?

–Goldman Sachs recruitment lunch, Financial District

You Should Swim

Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I’m going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.

–Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th

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