Customer: Can I get an eggplant and mozzarella sandwich?
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: No, not eggs… Eggplant.
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: But eggplant and eggs are two entirely different things…
Employee, winking: The customer is always right.
–Au Bon Pain, Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Caelster
Brooklyn family court employee: What’s your daughter’s name?
Mother: Chicago.
Brooklyn family court employee: Like the state?
Mother: Yes.
–Brooklyn Family Court
Boy, to uninterested girl: You gotta date me! What you mean you only date 25-year-olds? Do you know what 25-year-old guys do?? They masturbate. All the time. It’s true -my dad told me.
–Fordham Road Subway Station
Overheard by: …as opposed to guys of all other ages??
Girl on cell: They keep doing it, and it’s ridiculous. I mean, they should just whack it off in the bathroom like everybody else does.
–Auditions, 35th & 8th
Chick on cell: What’s wrong with jerking off in the baggage claim at the start of a three day weekend?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Surly stocker to fellow coworker: If they keep calling me upstairs, I am not going to have time to eat, or masturbate, or anything!
–Duane Reade, 58th & 8th
Overheard by: I’m busy too
Boy on cell: I’ve never gone all the way with anyone -you know? [Pause.] … I’m just enjoying myself.
–Broadway , Near Columbia University
Overheard by: julie
Woman: Thank god it’s Friday!
Subway janitor: Actually, Friday is my Monday.
Woman: [Thinks for a while.] Well, how was your weekend?
–6 Train Station
Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn’t no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!
–P.S. 218, The Bronx
Overheard by: Children are the future
Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.
–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope
Overheard by: send in the clowns
Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!
–Brooklyn
Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!
–Barnum & Bailey Circus
Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a playboy bunny!
–E4th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: I might consider paying up
Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god… You didn’t do what you did last time, did you?!?
–Broadway & Reade
MTA employee #1: You know, it’s thought that the first vampire was actually Lilith…
MTA employee #2: You mean Frasier’s wife?
–7 Train
Overheard by: The only other person who got it.
Old queer: You won’t believe your eyes in Plainfield. There’s not one heterosexual in Plainfield.
–75th & Columbus
Amazed nerd teen: They did this study on women who are ovulating, and even in gay bars when they’re ovulating they get way more dick.
–S’nice Coffee Bar, 14th St & 8th Ave
Big black girl: So being gay, when a straight person says, "You can stay over with me, but I’m not inviting you to touch me…" No, girl! You *are* inviting me to touch you.
–C Train
Overheard by: Lemuel
Random guy in stall next me: It’s a cluster fuck… Out there, not here, you don’t think I’m gay, do you?
–JFK Bathroom
Guy with to few friends: I’m the most homophobic gay man ever.
–Staten Island Perkins Diner
IT manager: Do you know how long ago 1984 was? I was straight!
–915 Broadway, Manhattan
Overheard by: Sarah
Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!
–Battery Park
NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.
–NYU Bus
AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!
–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park
Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!
–43rd & Lexington
Overheard by: Dan J
Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!
–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City
Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody’s getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That’s doubtful.
–Times Square
