Wednesday One-Liners: Bigger, Longer, Uncut

Guy: And I was thinking how lucky I was not to have had a bris. That guy had like eight of them!

–Thai Restaurant

Overheard by: sara swank

Girl: Wait, are you circumcised? In the penis?

–Wicked Monk, 86th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: christine

Beautiful Latina: But my dad getting circumcised at 57 wasn’t even the funniest thing!

–Dallas BBQ, Upper West Side

Overheard by: Ladle

Teen on cell: So, they were going to uncircumcise it?

–Flatbush Ave & 7th Ave, Brooklyn

Teen girl: Oh my god, my circumcised hot dog!

–The Summit School

Overheard by: Michael

CVS employee on cell: Yo, that nigga be gangsta son, he be gangsta. That nigga be circumcised, he all "what?" that nigga fall down, he be "waah, waah" then be be right back up playing an shit. Yeah, that nigga’s gangsta.

–CVS, 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Robyn

Posted on July 2, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Brooklyn, Circumcision, Girls, Guys, Judaism, Latinos, On Cell, Parents, Penis, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

It’s No Trouble at All, Robin, When I’ve Got the Pussymobile!

Bookseller to black girl: Hey, stop -I want to get with you.
Black girl: You can’t.
Bookseller: Why not?
Black girl: I got to go.
Bookseller: Where you be Friday night?
Black girl: Jersey.
Bookseller: A’ight. I be there.
Black girl: Too far for you.
Bookseller: I’ll travel for pussy. I’m a travellin’ man for pussy.
Bookseller’s friend: You’d go to Jersey for pussy? That’s some crazy desperate shit.

–Washington Place & 6th Ave

Overheard by: JCo

Posted on June 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Black People, Coworkers, Default, Girls, Pick-up Lines, Questions, The Village, Travel, Wishes & desires

No New York Jury Would Convict Me of Murdering Her

Guy, to girl: …and when I told her it was an espresso she said she hadn’t ordered that. She said she had ordered coffee.
Guy and girl, at the same time: An espresso is coffee!
Guy: And then she said: “Can I get some milk for this?”
Girl: Oh my god, are you serious?

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Hannah

Posted on June 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Coffee, Default, Girls, Guys, Offers and requests, Stupidity, The Village, Weirdness

The Wednesday One-Liner Is Always Right

Store clerk lady to man leaning on shelf: Sir, you cannot do that… You are gettin’ too comfortable in this store.

–Grocery Store

Sales clerk to woman with a pug wearing a sweater and booties: That is so gangsta!

–Soho

Overheard by: Lara

Apathetic server to customer: Do I look like I am happy at all?

–Starbucks, Manhattan Mall

Young female customer service rep to another: I’m not sayin’…, I’m just sayin’…, you know what I’m sayin’.

–Macy’s Customer Service

Overheard by: Richard Downey

Daffy’s employee to lady trying on shoes: Do they fit? [Before customer can respond.] I don’t even know why I’m askin’ you. You a customer. I don’t even care.

–Daffy’s, Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn

Overheard by: Crystal Dickinson

Posted on June 18, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Coworkers, Depressed, Etiquette, Grocery Stores, Happiness, Offers and requests, Questions, Soho, Starbucks, Store, Weirdness, Women, Words

Otherwise My Stripper Act Just Wasn’t Cohesive

Old suit to magazine stand man: You know, they were going to transfer me to India but they had only one condition.
Stand man: Oh, what was that?
Old suit: I needed a cobra.

–University Place

Overheard by: Julia

Posted on June 12, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Animals & Nature, Default, Fears, Global Geography, Jobs & Careers, Old People, Suits, The Village, Threats

And You Should Know You’re Not Skinny

Man: Skinny bitch.
Employee: Excuse me??
Man: Skinny bitch.
Employee: Um, if you’re looking for the book, you should ask at the information desk.
[Man walks in opposite direction.]Employee: Next time, you might want to preface that one…
Man, interrupting: I don’t have time to stand around and have a conversation about it.

–Strand Bookstore

Posted on June 10, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Advice, Books & Writing, Customers, Default, Insults, Men, Store, The Village, Weirdness, Words

Let’s Just Say “Sandwiches” Were Involved

Hungover sandwich maker lady: Man, I just wanna go home.
Girl, who clearly doesn’t want to make conversation: Mmmm.
Hungover sandwich maker lady: Man, I came in here drunk this morning!
Girl: Oh, uh, I’m sorry.
Hung-over sandwich maker lady: Why you sorry? I had the time of my life last night!

–Subway, 8th & University

Posted on June 3, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Girls, Leisure, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Women

Well We Do Have to Determine There Was No Foul Play

PetCo employee: If your goldfish dies within the first fifteen days, you can return it for a full refund.
Customer: Do I bring back the corpse?

–Union Square PetCo

Overheard by: Jenny

Posted on May 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Business and Commerce, Customers, Death, Default, Money & Class, Questions, Store, Union Square and East Village, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness

Reports of Mr. Hefner’s Bedroom Activities Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Store clerk with thick accent: Condoms? Which one?
Old man: No! Cough drops! Cough drops!
Store clerk: Condoms? [points at condom boxes]Old man: Look at me… What the heck do I need condoms for!? Cough drops!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Renz

Posted on May 18, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Default, Language Barrier, Men, Old People, Port Authority, Wishes & desires, Words

So You Don’t Countess

Dreadlocked sales clerk: What I need is a bronze princess.
Latina sales clerk: I’m bronze.
Dreadlocked sales clerk: Yeah, but you ain’t a princess.

–Billionaire Boys Club, SoHO

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Posted on May 18, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Default, Girls, Guys, Latinos, Offers and requests, Soho, Store, Wishes & desires

9 to 5-ers