May/December Wednesday One-liners

Baseball fan #1: Oh, I'm going to get laid tonight.
Baseball fan #2: Are you going to call Alice?
Baseball fan #1: Oh no, you don't understand my life, man! I've got this girl who just sits on a milk crate and sucks my cock!
Baseball fan #2: Dude!
Baseball fan #2: Where does she do this? On a crate? What?
Baseball fan #1: You don't understand my life, man! She just does it wherever! I'm literally ready to smoke crack at any minute!
Baseball fan #2: Man, we don't want to know.
Baseball fan #1: I'm ready to smoke crack at any minute! You just can't control these things.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: simon

Posted on July 25, 2015
BJs, Guys, Hard Drugs, Penis, Questions, Yankee Stadium

Well Met on Opening Day

Guy on cell: Hey, what’s up?…I’m at the Met game…The Mets are up 2 to 1, but Washington has 2 men on and nobody out…Two-one. No outs.
Guy #2: There’s one out.
Guy on cell: Oh, sorry. One out. We’ve been here since 8 and I’ve been drinking since 8:30. I’m wasted…Listen, Ma, I gotta go, I’m missing the game.

He hangs up.

Guy #1: My mother calls to get the score. Turn on the radio!

–Shea Stadium

Dude: Hey, Carlos! Steal second, I won’t tell anybody!

–Shea Stadium

Dude: Get off your knees; you’re blowing the game!

–Shea Stadium

Posted on July 24, 2015
Anger Management, BJs, Drinking & Drunk People, Mets, On Cell, Parents, Queens, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Shea Stadium, Sports, Stupidity

For Interns, Diplomatic Immunity Will Only Clear You for Hand Jobs

Hipster #1: So, she comes back to the dorm alone and crying, and we’re like ‘What happened? Where did that guy go?’ And she tells us that he got a ticket from a cop, for getting a blowjob in front of the UN!
Hipster #2: Is that, like, a different thing than getting a blowjob somewhere else?
Hipster #1: Well, he had an internship there or something. Maybe he got a discount!

–Washington Square Park

Posted on July 22, 2015
BJs, Hipsters, The Village

Maybe in Version 2.0

Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it’s covered in cum.
Girl #2: Mmm… If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday… I wish I tasted like this.
Girl #1: Word.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Alex Berger