Well Met on Opening Day

Guy on cell: Hey, what’s up?…I’m at the Met game…The Mets are up 2 to 1, but Washington has 2 men on and nobody out…Two-one. No outs.
Guy #2: There’s one out.
Guy on cell: Oh, sorry. One out. We’ve been here since 8 and I’ve been drinking since 8:30. I’m wasted…Listen, Ma, I gotta go, I’m missing the game.

He hangs up.

Guy #1: My mother calls to get the score. Turn on the radio!

–Shea Stadium

Dude: Hey, Carlos! Steal second, I won’t tell anybody!

–Shea Stadium

Dude: Get off your knees; you’re blowing the game!

–Shea Stadium

Posted on July 24, 2015
Anger Management, BJs, Drinking & Drunk People, Mets, On Cell, Parents, Queens, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Shea Stadium, Sports, Stupidity

For Interns, Diplomatic Immunity Will Only Clear You for Hand Jobs

Hipster #1: So, she comes back to the dorm alone and crying, and we’re like ‘What happened? Where did that guy go?’ And she tells us that he got a ticket from a cop, for getting a blowjob in front of the UN!
Hipster #2: Is that, like, a different thing than getting a blowjob somewhere else?
Hipster #1: Well, he had an internship there or something. Maybe he got a discount!

–Washington Square Park

Posted on July 22, 2015
BJs, Hipsters, The Village

Maybe in Version 2.0

Girl #1: Ewww! That doughnut looks like it’s covered in cum.
Girl #2: Mmm… If cum tasted like this I would give head everyday… I wish I tasted like this.
Girl #1: Word.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Alex Berger

Posted on July 21, 2015
Bimbettes, BJs, Cum, Girls, Junk Food & Fast Food, Park Slope, Wishes & desires

When the Bubble Bursts, a BJ Will Do It

Twentysomething girl: So, you think I should tell him I’ll sleep with him for that apartment?
Supportive friend: Oh, absolutely.

–2nd Ave station

Posted on July 18, 2015
BJs, Lower East Side, Real Estate, Sex

Wednesday One-liners Like Balla

Guy: Oh my god, no art is worth this. I don’t care if I get to blow Picasso, I’m not waiting in this line.

–75th & Park

Overheard by: Long John

Posted on July 14, 2015
Arts & Letters, BJs, Drugs, Manhattan, More museums, One-liners, Parents, Queers, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, The Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Loiners

Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I'll put that fuckin' falafel on my dick!

–LaGuardia & W 4th

Overheard by: Not drunk

College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! …so I slapped her with it!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Kate V.

Woman to man: See, I don't have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.

–South Park Slope

Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don't care who you are, if you're racist, I. Will. Fight. You.

–Central Park Entrance

Overheard by: HAIR-y

Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.

–Century 21 Store

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn't have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I'm serious. (pause) Yeah, no…I don't know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.

–Penn Station

Posted on July 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Central Park, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Height, Insults, Jocks, Men, On Cell, Park Slope, Penis, Penn Station, Port Authority, Race, Sex, Store, The Village, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

We've Both Agreed to Raise a Spitter

Father-to-be: So my wife won't give me head no more.
Friend: Why? Just cuz she's pregnant?
Father-to-be: Yeah. She keeps saying anything she eats the baby eats, and she don't want it eating my jizz.

–N Train

Overheard by: bill

Posted on July 4, 2015
BJs, Cum, Dads, Friends, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Idols of Millions of Suburban White Boys

Thug to friends: Look, whatever, but I have never found myself with a girl who has no face.

–Columbia University

Thug: Yo, I got a huge blunt in my pocket… Oh, wait, that’s my inhaler.

–Q train

Overheard by: djingo

Thug: Fuck that. Fuck that, nigga! If Bill Gates offered me 20 billion dollars to suck his cock, I’d swallow. Fuck.

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: I would, too.

Thug athlete, after soccer game: You always be playin’ that shit. You play that shit here, you play that shit in basketball, you play that shit in choir…

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: this guy

Thug on cell: I don’t know where I was, but they’s Germans everywhere in this hood! They on my left, right. Damn! [Looks around anxiously] Now I know how Patton felt, son!

–14th & Driggs

Teen thug to friend: Yo, man, have you looked at a map of Manhattan? Know what that shit looks like?!

–W 79th

Overheard by: Nikki W.

Posted on June 30, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Dating, History & Geography, Money & Class, Stupidity, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed

For the Last Time, It's “Public Service” Not “Public Servicing.”

Drunk guy: You're not looking too good, are you okay to drive?
Drunk guy: Those officers can suck my dick.
Drunk girl: Those officers will not suck your dick, and they never will.

–W 238th & Waldo Ave

Posted on June 29, 2015
BJs, Cars and Driving, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, The Bronx

BJs