Coffee

Finally, Someone Understands That the Terms Are Mutually Exclusive.

Dude: I don’t want coffee, I want Starbucks!

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: office peon

Headline by: desire

Runners-Up:
· “And For The Last Time, I’m Not From The Bronx; I’m From Riverdale!” – Gutterlush
· “Howard Shultz: Don’t Call It a Comeback, It That Easy, G!” – Drewp
· “I Can’t Decipher That Small, Medium, Large Jargon They Use Everywhere Else.” – Jessie Birks
· “Overheard in Seattle: Shit, They Know” – digital hash
· “The Top Conerns Of the Nation: War, Peace, and Finding a Starbucks” – abbitt the rabbitt
· “Yeah, Well I Really Don’t Think We Have Time For a Handjob, Joe.” – Idiocracy

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St

French Vanilla Means a Regular and a Handjob

LI girl: Wait, where’s the milk for the coffee?
Cashier: The sugar’s right here.
LI girl: No, I want milk. Don’t you have any milk in this whole place? For coffee?
Cashier: No, because you said you want regular.
LI girl: Yeah, regular — like ‘not decaf.’
Cashier: No. Regular is ‘no milk.’
LI girl: No. Black is like this — ‘no milk.’
Cashier: No. Black is ‘not hazelnut.’
Onlooker: Learn how to order or get out of the way.

–Ess-a Bagel, 21st & 1st

Overheard by: Jackie G

When Bad Jokes Come to Life

Coffee Barista: Would you like to try our new egg nog latte?
Dwarf: No thanks, I just want a tall coffee.

–Starbucks, UWS

The Cream Followed Soon After

Girl #1: Have you ever got hit by an errant cup of coffee?
Girl #2: Once, but I’m not sure how errant I’d consider it.

–Fix Coffee, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Better Make It Decaf, Then

Guy, 40s: I don’t take medication. I don’t need it. I need drawing. I need peace and tranquility. I need coffee!

–The Strand

Seminal Wednesday One-liners

Hip Hop Guy on cell: I’ll just keep my nuts shaved and everything’ll be fine.

–Varick Street

Coffee guy on phone: I’m not talking about whacking off, I’m talking about fried chicken!

–Alt.coffee, Avenue A

Overheard by: Dibson Hoffweiler

Since the Espressopation Proclamation

Female barista to another: Stay away, he's my customer.
Guy: You can't, like, own a customer, dude.

–Starbucks, East Village

Overheard by: Senseful

A Bulgarian Wax Will Pull Your Balkans Off

Heavily accented barista: Vat can I get forrr you?
Customer: I'll have a tall, iced, nonfat latte…I like your accent. Are you from Brazil?
Heavily accented barista: No, I'm from Bulgaria.
Customer: Oh. Is that near Brazil?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: *smacks forehead with hand*

That's Just New York in the Morning, Honey

Little girl: It smells here.
Father: Oh, like what?
Little girl: Like… Coffee… and… the zoo.

–Starbucks

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