Manning the Barricades Against Penile Lookism

Guy #1: You know, 82 percent of the world is not cut.
Guy #2: Yeah, I’m not circumcised.
Guy #3: Dude! That’s gross!
Guy #2: No — how so? It’s cool.
Guy #3: Yo, let’s call up some bitch and ask her what’s hotter: a dick with the skin or without it.
Guy #4: You know, the David is not circumcised.
Guy #2: See?! Cut penises are so bare.
Guy #5: How would you know?!
Guy #4: Yeah, but the David’s Jewish… It’s wrong! And how does an uncircumcised penis help you?
Guy #2: It protects dirt from coming in.

–Columbia University

Posted on March 16, 2008
Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Default, Guys, Penis, Stupidity

From Eye Fucking?

Chick #1: Can you hand me my eye drops? They’re in my bag.
Dude: What do you need them for?
Chick #1: My eye-ritis.
Dude: Wait… Eye-ritis? Like arthritis?
Chick #1: Yeah…
Chick #2: Guess how she got it? She slapped herself! [Laughs.]Chick #1: And now I probably have AIDS.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Noah Tizzle

Posted on March 6, 2008
Columbia University, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Offers and requests, Stupidity

I Wrote about This on my Application Essay

Dude #1, burping loudly: I know you’re gassy if you have to fart a lot, but what are you if you have to burp a lot?
Dude #2: Same thing, in the opposite direction.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wiley Willis

Posted on February 29, 2008
Columbia University, Default, Farting & Burping, Guys, Questions

I Need an Occasional Reminder of How Bad It Can Be

Girl #1, outraged: How could you have sex without us?!
Girl #2: Relax — it was with a guy.

–Columbia University

Posted on October 13, 2007
Anger Management, Columbia University, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Lesbians, Questions, Sex

Everybody in New York Has That Dream

Guy: … And I had a really weird dream last night.
Girl: Oh, yeah? About what?
Guy: Mass murder.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Taking the stairs next time

Posted on October 2, 2007
Columbia University, Dreams, Friends, Girls, Guys, Murder, Weirdness

Um, All I Said Was, “Are You My New Roommate?”

Girl: So, do you know anything about the Holocaust?
Roommate: Like what?
Girl: I don’t know — like, fun facts or something?

–Dorm, Columbia

Posted on September 23, 2007
Columbia University, History & Geography, Idiots, Questions

It Would Be So Much Warmer If We Used Celsius!

Dude #1: Dude, I can’t believe it’s going to be like fucking minus eight tomorrow!
Dude #2: Shit. Isn’t freezing, like, 32?
Dude #1: Damn. That means it’s actually going to be like minus 40, right?
Dude #2: Yeah.

–Columbia University

Posted on May 7, 2007
Columbia University, Guys, Idiots, Stupidity, Weather

Next Semester, the Fondler’s ‘C’

Chick: Like, last semester I totally put out and I got an A.
Dude: Like, a straight A?
Chick: Yeah. But this semester I’m just too tired to put out, and I just got a B on that paper.
Dude: Rough.

–Columbia University

Posted on April 3, 2007
Bimbettes, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Education

Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method

Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.

–Sephora, Broadway

Overheard by: linzz

Guy: … So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth…"

–Spring St

Overheard by: boston bobby

College guy on cell: He was like, ‘Shit, she’s got a bun in the oven!’ And I was like, ‘Oh, shit!’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: roo

Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that’s how he got her pregnant.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Wondering how that works

Preggers: I’m gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I’m not gonna have a miscarriage.

–Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn

Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I’m on my seventh month!

–Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th

Overheard by: EE Grimshaw

NYU girl on cell: … So then the doctor comes in and he goes, ‘Houston, we have a problem…" I know, right? What’s with doctors trying to be all funny when they’re telling you that you’re pregnant?

–NYU bus

Overheard by: tj

Posted on March 28, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Coworkers, Diet/Weight, Doctors, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, NYU, On the Bus, Pop Culture, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Store, Street, Students, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

Posted on March 7, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Classroom, Columbia University, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Height, Hospitals, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Plastic Surgery, Restaurants & Cafes, Teachers/Professors, Theater, West Village