Wednesday One-Liners Could Do With a Cuddle

30-something woman to female friend: I’m so happy to see you! I haven’t had sex in a couple of months, except for a few straight girls.

–Carroll Gardens

Smoking chick on cell: I haven’t had sex yet either…I’ll let you know.

–1020 bar, 110th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Nilla wafer-eating chick: I don’t even understand why people have sex anymore!

–Columbia University

Guy yelling at a woman: Lady! Stop asking, I’m not having sex with you!

–34th & 6th

Guy on cell: Oh my god, do I need to say it? Fine! I promise I won’t try to put my penis in you. Okay?

–Avenue C

Overheard by: lingling

Guy on cell: That’s the thing about sex, it’s all in your head anyway.

–Union Square West

Overheard by: brita bit

Posted on May 21, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Lesbians, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penis, Psychology, Questions, Sex, Sexuality, Smokers & Smoking, Street, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, White People, Women, Words

Making Your Wife’s Vajayjay “Talk” Like a Puppet Doesn’t Count

Cute blonde: We should go see The Vagina Monologues.
Awkward Indian man: Yeah, that’s my play!

–Columbia University

Posted on May 17, 2008
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Default, Girls, Men, Native Americans, Theater & Dance, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Snort When They Laugh

Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Stan

Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, ‘Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!’

–Columbia University

Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him… But only if I had the ninja outfit on.

–Ludlow St.

[Four NYPD cops are checking people’s bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don’t seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]

–W 4th St Subway Station

Overheard by: KL

Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman…

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ike

Woman on cell: I’m busy. I’ve got things to do. And right now what I’m doing is looking at comic books.

–Forbidden Planet

Overheard by: Josh

Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek… But he had asperger’s, so he won.

–Central Park

Posted on May 14, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Central Park, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Leisure, On Cell, Orgasm, Parks, Penn Station, Psychology, Sorority Girls, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, The Village, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Locked in the Bathroom for an Awfully Long Time

Boy, to uninterested girl: You gotta date me! What you mean you only date 25-year-olds? Do you know what 25-year-old guys do?? They masturbate. All the time. It’s true -my dad told me.

–Fordham Road Subway Station

Overheard by: …as opposed to guys of all other ages??

Girl on cell: They keep doing it, and it’s ridiculous. I mean, they should just whack it off in the bathroom like everybody else does.

–Auditions, 35th & 8th

Chick on cell: What’s wrong with jerking off in the baggage claim at the start of a three day weekend?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Surly stocker to fellow coworker: If they keep calling me upstairs, I am not going to have time to eat, or masturbate, or anything!

–Duane Reade, 58th & 8th

Overheard by: I’m busy too

Boy on cell: I’ve never gone all the way with anyone -you know? [Pause.] … I’m just enjoying myself.

–Broadway , Near Columbia University

Overheard by: julie

Posted on May 7, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Dating, Duane Reade, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Masturbation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Bronx, Time, Weirdness

The Law School Is Right around the Corner

Mother, to young son running up steps: Come back down!
[Boy sits down on top step.]Mother: We can go look for some worms!
[Boy thinks for a minute.]Boy: Ok! [goes back down.]

–Columbia University

Posted on May 1, 2008
Animals & Nature, Boys, Columbia University, Default, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents

Wednesday One-Liners Are in Dire Need of a Glade Plug-In

Drunk, angry Puerto Rican girl to boyfriend: You had to make me smell like fuckin’ Chinese food on new year’s eve!

–Grand St & Graham Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: someone who happily had a different New Year’s date, and wonders whether there is a Designer Imposters version of such a scent.

Disgusted McDonald’s patron: This shit smells worse than a hobo’s taint!

–14 & Broadway

Overheard by: Shemp

Man, entering subway car: Son, it smells like home depot in here.

–4 Train

Drunk sorostitute on cell: It smelled fine. It was just a febreeze gone awry!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Queer: I can’t wait to move out of this decrepit office building. A couple of days ago a mouse died in the walls -you remember what that smells like. The guys in the office said: "Maybe it’ll go away after a week," but I told them it’s just going to get worse, so now they want to bring in some awful air freshener thing. Someone is already spraying that stuff in the men’s room, and it’s got a nasty artificial orange scent, so it smells like someone shat on a fruit basket.

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl with a huge ugly weave: I smell fried chicken! [Pauses.] … Oh, it’s prolly me. [Keeps walking.]

–Library, Washington Irving High School

Posted on April 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Death, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Fruit, Girls, Gripes, Holidays, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Puerto Ricans, Queer guys, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Sorority Girls, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

He Gives Me All the Nutrition I Need

Boy waving banana: Want this?
Frustrated girl: I don’t need a banana. I have a boyfriend.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Posted on April 27, 2008
Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Default, Fruit, Girls, Offers and requests, Questions, Relationships, Sexuality

Wednesday One-Liners Suck at Scrabble

Blonde: You know what I just learned? G-E-O-R-G isn’t pronounced ‘George’ — it’s pronounced ‘gay-something.’

–49th & Broadway

Overheard by: It’s too cold for stupidity

Fag hag to queer pal: It’s like, we’re like… cotillion-izing!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: jaded library dweller

Ghetto chick: Yo, he is datin’ Sheryl now. I told him, ‘Tell me when you kiss her.’ He was all, ‘Why?’ so I said, ‘So I know not to kiss her!’ I’m bilingual, yo.

–L train, 3rd Ave stop

Overheard by: katiebeans

Loud woman: That is ‘conniving’ with a capital ‘K’!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Angry wife to husband: You are so patronistic. I seriously can’t stand how fucking patronistic you are.

–56th & 5th

15-year-old girl to group of friends: I be takin’ AP English this year, yo. I the only one in that motherfucker that don’t be lookin’ like they be deliverin’ yo’ egg rolls when they ain’ts in school an’ shit.

–210th St & Bainbridge Ave

Overheard by: gutterlush

Angry woman to friend: I have a contention with the way people pronounce my daughter’s name. I did not name my daughter ‘Lady Nasty’! I named my baby girl ‘La Dynasty.’

–JFK

Overheard by: The REAL Lady Nasty