Diet/Weight

Wednesday Vaginers

Enthusiastic 20-something: Oh, is that ciabatta? Yummy! Whenever I see ciabatta, my pussy starts to swell!

–Broadway & 13th

Random passerby: He wants a vagina. In and around his mouth.

–The Village

Cute NYU blonde: He won't like, touch my vagina with his hands. That means he's gay, right?

–Mercury Lounge, LES

Drunk Latina to drunk white girl whose boyfriend stepped out to get a paper bag: Girl, just tell him to take you home. Tell him you want to sleep tonight. Tell him your pussy is closed!

–McDonald's, 14th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: ehka

Girl in gym: Everything on my body is flaccid, except my vagina.

–Fordham Gym

Wednesday One-Liners — You Can Count Their Ribs!

Girl to friend: I mean, he has an eating tutor.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Joel

Rabbi: Fasting is completely useless.

–Yom Kippur service, Temple Beth El

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Girl on cell: No, I think her boobs are fake. There is no way you can be anorexic and have boobs like that. I know! They look so awful! Like balloons on a broomstick!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Chick to friend: You can lose weight just by digesting.

–Main St & Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Rita

Big black lady, stuck in the stall: Oh, hell no! I ain’t come in the bathroom for anorexic people!

–Stall #2, Ladies’ room, Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: Laughing in Stall #1

I Cut the Pizza Into Six Pieces, Not Eight

Upper West Side girl #1: Wow! You've totally lost weight.
Upper West Side girl #2: I still eat what I want… I just eat fewer meals.
Upper West Side girl #2: So, what? You eat like one meal a day?
Upper West Side girl #1: More like one and a half.
Upper West Side girl #2: Well, you look great!

–ATM, 72nd St & Columbus

Translation: You’re Going to Be a Daddy!

Fat lady: I wanna return this.
Store guy: Why?
Fat lady: Is too small, wanna large.
Guy: Receipt says you bought it a month ago; what happened to you?
Fat lady: I got pregnant, motherfucker!

–Foot Locker, Queens Mall

Overheard by: Steve Kinsella

The Next Best Thing to Boyish Charm

Queer #1: You look emaciated
Queer #2: Thank you!

–Splash, 17th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Priscilla Perez

…Why Does This Fit?

Mother: Here you go, honey. (hands clothing to daughter in dressing room)
Daughter: A 14? Mom, I'm a size 10! I know you think I'm morbidly obese, but…

–Bay Terrace, Queens

Overheard by: tinabee

I Was Just Being Agreeable

Overweight girl: Well, he obviously liked being fucked by me.
Skinny girl: It's cause you're fat.
Overweight girl: He did say he liked big girls. Whatever, I'm over him.
Skinny girl: Yeah, his dick was little anyways.
Overweight girl: And you know this… how?!

–SoHo

Overheard by: Katelyn Jones

PETA Filed a Friend-of-the-Court Brief, to No Avail

Guy: How was the weekend? Were the kids well-behaved?
Woman: It was fine, they were great.
Guy: How was Max at night? He sometimes gets lonely and starts crying.
Woman: Hmm, I don’t know. I locked them out of my room.
Guy, yelling: You what?!? How could you? You know how they are at night!
[pause.]Woman, unruffled: They are pets. Not kids. Pets. And I don’t sleep with dogs that weigh more than I do.

–Starbucks, 20th St & 6th Ave

PETA-Approved Wednesday One-Liners

HS boy to two friends: Dude, you’d be surprised how many vegetarians are into meaty chicks.

–E train

Man eating salad: Vegetarians should be evolutionarily punished.

–Small diner, Chinatown

Girl to friend: Hey, do you think that the reason he doesn’t like oral sex is because he’s vegan? [Friend is silent.] Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s it.

–112th, between Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Gigi

Cougar dining with pals: I’m an animal-lover, so I’m going to get the fish.

–Rue 57, 57th & 6th

Crazy woman: Vegetarians have better sex!

–F/V train stop, Houston & 1st Ave

Overheard by: So, no hot beef injection?

Woman handing out leaflets for veganism: Come on, come on! Vegans have better sex! No, really — try me!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: What is she trying to sell here?

She Works Magic with That Trunk–in the Kitchen

Magyar lady #1: See that woman over there? Why does a woman that big come out of the house?
Magyar lady #2: And that floral dress? She looks like an elephant!
Magyar lady #1: Oh look, the elephant is walking past again.
Magyar lady #2: Why don’t any of the elephant’s friends tell her how bad she looks?
Guy on next bench: If you ladies will excuse me, I’m off to go join my wife, the elephant.

Translated from the Hungarian.

–Fort Tryon Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

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